Februari 15, 2017
some of the most popular kinds of games are first-person shooter games. and the granddaddy of the entire fps genre has to be doom by id software here. this game is an absolute blast - you get to carry a ton of weapons. you get a pistol, a shotgun, plasma rifle, rocket launcher - you name it. the only problem is: when you're using one of the weapons... they never really bother to explain where the other weapons go. hmmm... [immersion intro music] burnie: and so i thought, "what better way to test the inventory systems of first-person shooter games,
- than to come out here to the ass crack in the world - and run two idiots through an obstacle course?geoff: what? hey, what's up, two idiots? geoff: shut up.gus: fuck you. oh, stop whining. we haven't done anything to you yet. burnie: alright, so once again i asked griffin,griffin: howdy! to come out and figure out a way to equip these guys to fend off a demonic invasion of mars. burnie: whaddaya' got?griffin: got some armor... burnie: safety first, as always.griffin: right, next we have a pistol.
burnie: okay - so we're gonna abandon safety right away. griffin: and then down the line, we have the shotgun...burnie: shotgun? alright... griffin: next, and then we have a double-barreled shotgun. burnie: ah - from doom 2 - the double-barreled shotgun, okay. griffin: and then, next, we have a chaingun.burnie: wow, okay. griffin: and we have a rocket launcher, with rockets, and here we have the plasma gun. burnie: plasma gun, or as i'd like to call it, "number 6 from doom". griffin: and then we have the b.f.g..burnie: b.f.g. 9000... wow. burnie: and as we all know, b.f.g. stands for really, really, fucking heavy gun.
wow, that is heavy, yikes. griffin: alright, and then finally, we have a chainsaw.burnie: gas-powered chainsaw - no fps soldier's complete without one. burnie: o-kay, so now, all we have to do is figure out how to get all of this, onto one of those. no-no, you guys. yeah.you might wanna, like, stretch. [intrumental epic music cues in] gus: i's --- i used to play football in high school!these are pads, it's what we call them. [intrumental epic music continues] gus: (exhales sharply)
burnie: how you feeling?gus: (winded) ha-aah... burnie: ready for - ready for action?gus: (incredulously) what? burnie: ready to save the universe?gus: this is it! - it's just an inventory test... gus: i carried it!burnie: for when we o - open portal hell - nope - burnie: we're gonna run the obstacle course.(new instance) alright doesn't seem, like, there's something can i - like - oh my god there's a disgusting fat demon, look at that thing! oh gross, it's in a yellow shirt! terrible! kill it! (snickering) burnie: alright, you ready?geoff: yeap. burnie: let's go.
(laughter) burnie: (inaudible)geoff: this is just what it was like to be in the army! burnie: is it?geoff: yeah, it's no different. burnie: let's go to the obstacle course, then. you lead the way. you're shedding rounds, my friend! griffin: so, we set up a hundred-yard obstacle course.burnie: i love it - it's got abandoned cars, ditches, thorns - very post-apocalyptic. griffin: so our two test subjects will start at opposite ends and race each other to the center. burnie: right, the feasibility that we're trying to test here is whether or not they can move quickly
with all this gear on top of them.griffin: right. burnie: okay, good test.are you guys ready?! set! go! [other epic instrumental music cues in] burnie: gus?! go - go! gus, move, go! burnie: (laughing) man - man down! man down! get up!griffin: (laughing) gus: help... [other epic instrumental music resumes]geoff: this is so heavy, oh my god... (sharp exhale)
gus: no - i can do it! ... i can do it - i'm fine!burnie: get up! burnie: gus, get up - come on!he's like a turtle - look at him - he's like, he's just rocking back and forth!griffin: (laughing) (inaudible) gus: i need some turkey!turkey, stat! [other epic instrumental resumes again] geoff: (groans) this is the crappiest... tree i have ever seen... (panting) geoff: did it! told you it was easy... gus: i'm gonna make it...
burnie: okay, so: results - geoff; you finished the course in, about what... geoff: i think it was, like five minutes. burnie: gus; you did not even, really start the course ever, we're not really sure what happened there. gus: that was uh... bad footing.burnie: bad footing? gus: yeah.burnie: you had bad feet - attached to bad legs? gus: it's all there.burnie: it all makes sense now - uh, geoff? big winner, wins science for the day - congratulations to geoff, and gus, even though you lost, you're a good lab rat, so we have a consolation prize - we have a pellet(?) for you out there. gus: is that a beer?burnie: it is.
gus: nice! see ya, sucker! burnie: you get to fire a rocket launcher.geoff: this thing fires? burnie: oh yeah, that's the business end - just point it and shoot. just hit the tire underneath gus' beer. burnie: ready?geoff: i guess so... gus: hey - wait, what's that?(death scream) next week on immersion.(door creaks open) burnie: (whispering) guuus?good morning, gus! how are you feeling? are you ready for a little immersion experiment this morning?gus: muh(?) burnie: (laughing) come on. hey just (we?) (shi?), get out of the bed, sunshine.
get in the truck and come with us... i know you feel terrible, you feel bad cause' you've been drinking tonight?gus: mm-hmmm... burnie: don't worry, we have something that will make you feel a lot better. so, let's get your clothes on and let's go, you ready? gus: are... are you in my house? burnie: tha- (chuckling) that's the spirit!
Tidak ada komentar
Posting Komentar