Februari 14, 2017
in recent years, there's been a flurry of video games that combine fun, addictive gameplay with extremely difficult challenges and one of my new favorites is trials fusion, here. in it, riders on a motorcycle have to navigate a course with dangerous, and often, ridiculous obstacles. but come on, there's no way a real rider in real life could navigate a course like that ...or could they? so, we've come out to our newly constructed rooster teeth motocross complex to run one of our final experiments
today, we're gonna be figuring out if two humans of below-average intelligence can navigate the real-life trials fusion course that we've constructed. and speaking of people of below-average intelligence. gooood morning fella-gimme that what are you doing with that? there's nothin' on it! what, are you just gonna write on the clipboard? it's all up here. where are we? we are at the rooster teeth motocross complex yeah, we built this?
yeah, we did yeah? when- when were we out here? if you look that direction, you'll see your bike reeeooowwrrr plchh bchh bchh bchhalright, well we're gonnna die that thing's hugethat's big no, actually that's a little too big. there's your bike right there. why do you always show us something really nice and cool and then be like 'nah, here's a piece of $#!+.' why do you do that?
you cracked the code, michael.everytime! why?! yeah, you- you broke down the formula right there.just show us the piece of $#!+. it's not as bad. no. safety is one of our top concerns. i'm worried about my nuts, because i'm not- i'm not allowed to ride bikes because of my nut issue. you got two of 'em. you're good. you have a spare. no, but we- maybe we should take some specimen before we do this. take a specimen? in what way?yeah. just put it on ice. just for the future.
just, like, you want a cup in a, like, a cooler? you wanna go jerk off in a hole over there? is that what you're saying? just like- what are you talking about?no, let's go ride bikes. alright, you're gonna have all the opportunity you want to preserve your specimens go get suited up. i'll go get the motorcycles ready. that way or that way?it's on my clipboard. his clipboard didn't say which way to go.this way? you go that way i'll go this way. yeah, you're good. just keep goin'.
(whoooosh)wow, safety first, huh jack? oh no, we don't care about safety, but we do care about forest fires. naturally.jack here has extensive experience with trials fusion so we had him help us engineer a multitude of obstacles for the lab rats to run through. yeah, we've got walls for them to smash through, ramps, drawbridges, seesaws, firecrackers and a ton of other stuff. it's gonna be a hell of a ride. emphasis on hell, hopefully. ok, here's the way this is gonna work: each of the lab rats is gonna compete in a time trial through the course just like in the real game we have checkpoints all along the way, in case they crash- when they crash.
they're definitely gonna crash. the first person to finish the course in the quickest time wins or just whoever survives this thing and actually completes it. if either of them survive, i didn't do my job. jack, i have total faith in you. he doesn't have faith in anyone.no. alright, gavin is all ready to go at the starting line, and i do want to point out one thing: before we came out here, we gave bolth of the lab rats an opportunity to practice with the bike since neither one of them has ever ridden a motorcycle before. but gavin, being gavin, absolutely refused to practice. i guess his strategy was "beginner's luck."
more like "laziness."yeah, probably more accurate. alright, let's get going gavin, are you ready?nope! 3 2 1 begin (engine revs)ohh uh well, i don't expect much of this run.whooaaa...uhp why'm i going left? right!look at him, swerving.
should have practiced. can't see my damn legs through the- ohhhhwuhohh uh uh hellohe actually crossed that first obstacle pretty well he lost some pieces of the bike, but.some pieces of the bike are flying off. i actually expected him to do a lot worse. he might actually be a natural at this. okay, here he come to the seesaw. seesaw! whoooaaa! awww, my knee! (laughing) nope, not a natural. that was a lot more like what i expected.
he's got the checkpoint. next obstacle is three walls he has to break through. smooth sailing for this one. oomph, oomph oomph. ah, he nailed it. solid.ahhh! and then he fell on the hill.ugh, style points on that one. what happened? he made it right through the obstacle and then, all of a sudden, he just bails out at the top of the hill. kids, this is why you practice. practice driving through walls before you do it for real. well, he's recovered again, and he's on the track. this next ramp's pretty simple. it's just an up-and-down. that's enough falls for one day. let's take this one eeaassyy. ugghhhh! ankles.(laughing) wow.
maybe the pyrotechnics blinded him.i love the subtle dismount he had right onto his ass. coccyx. coccyx, thank you. alright, that was gavin's third crash. he has three faults. that's gonna negatively impact his time, and give michael a huge advantage on his run. here he goes again at the last checkpoint.alright, come on, tiny bike. next obstacle is the high barrier. ugh!he does not give up what is that?!it's part of the wall. how'd he get it stuck to his face?i can't see! alright, next one is probably the difficult obstacle. this is the drawbridge.
augh, bailed it.oh, what?! he just kinda bailed off to the side.i parked it! we worked really hard on that. i'm dissappointed.he should have gone head-first through that thing. i'm upset. to avoid snapping my neck, i'm gonna go a little bit slow on this one, second try at the drawbrige, knocks it down, but backed up aww, going backwards. forwards, here we go! final stretch! he's racing for the finish line here. he wants to get a better time than michael. ring of fire! victory! oh!
barbara and lindsey are spraying him with safety fluid. (coughing) i'm not on fire! am i on fire?you missed a spot. okay, well now that gavin's run is done, michael is up next. and, i actually have faith in michael, because he went out and practiced with the motorcycle before we came out here. alright michael in: go! whooaaa-ho-whoa whoa whoa. oh, $#!+.what's he doing? he's going in circles.(laughing) let go, michael!holy $#!+, okay, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. stop it!
holy crap. i'm fine. thumbs up. alright, hey, thumbs up.we don't care, is the motorcycle okay?! hey, way to go, fonzie! alright, well after his false start, michael is back in action here we go, here we go.here goes the first obstacles kehehehehehehenot bad! didn't lose any bike parts.okay, but i do have to point out that gavin did well on the first obstacle.aughh! aw, and he fu- he fell!this is a terrible start.
here's what we're learning. we're learning that practice actually doesn't make perfect. it makes really, really, really crappy. alright here he goes. he's accelerating. he's actually speeding up going into the seesaw. i'm going over five miles an hour. holy crap! i gotta- aughh! oh, not bad!i got it. augh! he may have hurt himself, there. ah, he'll be fine. the important thing is gavin wrecked there. michael did not. so it is now michael's race to lose. here we go.here come the three walls. whoooaaah. ow. ow. ooww!not. bad. not bad.
didn't even slow him down. going up the hill. this is where gavi bailed out.fuck you, gus! he's doing a lot better than he was at the beginning, that's for sure. he's on the attack. here comes the up-down ramp.ohhhhhh, $#!+. got some nice air. i feel like michael could actually race other children on a bike of similar size and power. woo-hoo!alright, and he's coming up to the high barrier now. augh!alright, good, no worries.
didn't get stuck in them.oh, no. he's a little wobbly. ah! augh!and he's down. oh, my god.didn't make it to the drawbridge. he's got some physics action going on there.(laughing) he's doing the trials thing. i actually like that.okay, he's reset for the drawbridge, now. here we go. we got it. we got it. aw yeah!oh nice, he went right through it no problem at all.that's great. good way to finish. he's building up speed oh, i see the finish. he's coming up to the end.he's getting the end!
wooohoooooooo! michael wins! alright, let's help him go celebrate. woo-hoooo! yeah, son! (distorted) aww, yeaahhh! ah, $#!+. oh!(coughing) oh, he's fine alright, well that does it for our experiment today. michael and gavin we watched you guys go through every obstacle that we threw at you, and yet you actually don't look seriously hurt, although you do look miserable look at that boo-boo though, right there.i boo-booed a little bit.
you got that taking off your helmet.i did, yeah. (laughing) not actually part of the game.i was in the air at one point, as well. yeah.you did. there's a nice shot of me ditching the bike in mid-air. i was graceful. i was like a gazelle. except gazelles don't typically land straight on their ass, (some of them) and then roll over to the side screaming oaiy! michael, how'd it go for you?i did a lot better in real life than i would have in the game.is- really? yeah! have you seen me play the game?
now, michael did have kind of a false start at the beginning i was doing doughnuts. it was all intentional.alright, well thanks to michael and gavin. you guys sacrificed your bodies all season long for our entertainment. thank you to the science team for coming up with such great experiments. we want to thank trials fusion for making an awesome game that we can use to torture michael and gavin with. you know, i suppose we should declare a winner this week for science, but when it comes to recreating video games in real life, aren't we all winners, in our own way? i'd like to think so. (bang)jesus. what was that?! come on, gus. do it like a man.(bang)
(contented cooing)
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