Januari 25, 2017
defending the weak from powerful agents of evil demands a champion who has achieved the peak of human capability. all in the name of justice. ...and sometimes vengeance. boomstick: batman, the dark knight. wiz: and captain america, the sentinel of liberty. boomstick: he's wiz and i'm boomstick. wiz: and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a death battle. wiz: throughout the underworld of gotham city,
one name strikes fear into the cold, black hearts of even the most hardened criminals. the batman. boomstick: but becoming a 6-foot, flying rat of vengeance comes at a cost. for 8 year old bruce wayne, it was helplessly watching as his parents were gunned down in front of him on the way back from the theater. that poor kid. that opera really must have scarred him. wiz: bruce's genius level intellect and physical prowess allowed him to pick up a vast array of skills on his global journey to become the dark knight.
he became an expert in the art of disguise and a master of every fighting style known to man. he has perfected escape artistry, sword fighting, detective skills, stealth, has a photographic memory, earned 12 master's degrees, is an expert marksman, and is vastly knowledgeable in pressure points. boomstick: and we're positive he's not superhuman? wiz: officially, no, he's not, but he has learned to appear so in the minds of his opponents. having been trained by the league of assassins, batman's greatest weapon is fear. boomstick: all it takes is a glimpse of that pointy-eared shadow and criminals start shaking in their boots. he can disappear and reappear in an instant thanks to his mastery of stealth and the high tech gadgets he keeps in his utility belt.
like his batclaw grappling hook, smoke pellets, tons of different batarangs, and...shock gloves... wiz: hey, don't underestimate the shock gloves. they release a charge powerful enough to penetrate kevlar, and even stop the heart of one of batman's most powerful enemies, bane. boomstick: but then he restarted it because he's nice like that. bane later said "thank you" the only way he knew how. [breaking bones] boomstick: i'm surprised batty didn't pull something out of the utility belt to stop that one, considering it seems to contain anything batman could ever need -- even shark repellent.
wiz: actually, that's a common misconception. the shark repellent was stored in the helicopter that robin was flying, not batman's utility belt. boomstick: oh, yeah, because that makes it so much less ridiculous. wiz: batman also carries explosive gel. a cluster of this substance can be sprayed onto nearly any surface, and remotely detonated. perfect for distractions. boomstick: or, you know...blowing shit up! tip for criminals:
if you know batman's after you, avoid anything shaped like a bat. man 1: is somebody in here? [door shut] man 2: is something wrong? man 1: ...nope. wiz: bruce chose the guise of a bat to project his own fear of the flying mammal onto his enemies. however, that's not the batsuit's only purpose. boomstick: thanks to some military-grade armor he stole from his own company, with morgan freeman's permission, the batsuit is almost completely bulletproof, knife-proof, electricity-proof, punch-proof, dog-proof, and theft-proof.
wiz: inside batman's cowl is an array of high-tech gear commonly used for listening to police scanners and communicating with allies. but in combat, batman finds more use in its night-, infrared- and ultraviolet vision, also its built-in triangulation imaging system, which hacks into the world's cellphones and creates a digital 3d map. boomstick: you mean he can see everything i do just because i have a phone? wiz: more or less. boomstick: ask him where i left my keys. wiz: aside from mass invasion of privacy, batman's resume includes such accomplishments as
dodging darkseid's virtually unavoidable omega beams, withstanding the vaccum of space for 24 seconds, and breaking free from a coffin, buried 6 feet underground, in a street jacket, after being deprived of sleep for days, all while having a cocktail unknown drugs in his system, along with the joker's latest venom toxin. boomstick: what the fuck?! are we positive that we're positive he's not superhuman? wiz: well, given his line of work, i wouldn't be surprised if he stumbled into a room filled with gamma rays or something like that, but, underneath the batsuit, he is affected by knives and bullets the same as any other mortal man. even though he usually comes out victorious, his self-confidence occasionally puts him in
life threatening situations he can't escape without help. boomstick: like bane's "thank you" spine durability test. wiz: but the caped crusader has consistently found a way to survive even the most life threatening situations. boomstick: and bats has no problem continuously going toe-to-toe with evil in the name of justice... ...vengeance. batman: from this moment on... ...none of you are safe. [fire dies out] wiz: born to poor irish immigrants,
in manhattan, on july 4th, 1920, steven rogers grew up with little money, few friends, boomstick: and even fewer muscles! good god, is that steve rogers or jack skellington? somebody get that kid a sandwich. wiz: but his sheer willpower, selflessness and desire for justice stood out. as those around him left to serve in the second world war, rogers was desperate to fight for his country. but due to his lacking physique and health problems,
he was turned away from every single military organization. multiple times. boomstick: meanwhile, hitler was creating a new group of super-nazis with lasers called hydra. wiz: desperate to combat this new threat, uncle sam began the top-secret project: rebirth. it looked like rogers would finally get his chance to be the hero after all... ...provided he survived an untested, unstable, unprecedented experiment. boomstick: after an injection of some mystery juice and tanning in some vita rays, rogers lived! and as a plus, became a nazi-annihilating, terrorist-thrashing, symbol of freedom -- captain america!
'merica!!! wiz: the super-solider serum pushed steve's body to the absolute limits of human physical and mental potential. boomstick: a homeless guy sold me a super serum once. i woke up at denny's a week later without my wallet. wiz: with his new body, rogers can bench press 1100 lbs and run a mile in 73 seconds. by comparison, the bench press world record without the aid of a bench shirt is eric spoto 722 lbs. and the fastest mile run belongs to hicham guerrouj of morocco at 3:43. that makes rogers nearly twice as strong and over 3 times as fast
as the most physically fit human beings in the world. boomstick: he can even dodge gunfire at point-blank range by, in his own words "seeing faster". wiz: which is the absolute stupidest way of saying that his brain can process images faster than a normal human. boomstick: putting his new abilities to good use, he's adept in every single form of hand-to-hand combat known to man. that's right, i bet you didn't know captain america was a ninja. iron fist: jujitsu? kung fu? krav maga? captain america: all of the above. wiz: despite his incredible physical potential, the military initially decided
super steve was best suited as... ...the u.s. army poster boy. boomstick: that suit looks like it was ripped from a patriotic circus. wiz: it was. boomstick: really? well, at least they upgraded the suit to not make it from a from a circus later on. wiz: no, they were too. boomstick: what kind of circus would make a costume with kevlar, nomex and lightweight titanium, that's resistant to fire, water and electric shocks?
wiz: some call it world war ii. boomstick: oh... i get it. wiz: but the most iconic aspect of cap's attire is his famed shield. composed of proto-adamantium and a mysterious metal from space called vibranium, this one-of-a-kind shield was presented to him personally by none other than the 32nd president of the united states, franklin delano roosevelt. boomstick: and like a badass, cap doesn't just use his shield for defending himself. he hurls that motherfucker at just about anything that moves!
wiz: the combination of the two metals allows the shield to absorb and reflect practically all kinetic energy and thus ricochet off multiple targets with only minor loss of velocity. captain america utilizes this in combination with his super soldier mind, to predict and calculate the shield's trajectory so that it always ends up back in hand no matter how many targets it has struck. boomstick: cap's shield can reflect anything from bullets to lasers, decapitate vampires, and stop a blow from thor's hammer. and if you recall, mjã¶lnir doesn't fuck around. this giant frisbee of freedom is so cool, even superman wants one.
[gunshots] peggy: yes, i think it works. wiz: but it's not unstoppable. it's been damaged and even destroyed its fair share of times over the years, but only by cosmic or reality working powers. boomstick: luckily mr. america doesn't only rely on his shield. wiz: he's boxed thor to a standstill, was deemed worthy to wield mjã¶lnir, and has even managed to incapacitate the hulk with his knowledge of pressure points. boomstick: wait, go back to that second one.
did this guy just kick the hulk in the dick? you've gotta be a real man to give the green goliath the nut check. i mean, that's the fastest way to piss a dude, and who don't we like when their angry? balls of steel right there. great, big, eagle shaped, freedom balls of steel. wiz: and to top everything off, not many superheroes can claim to have defeated the fearsome foursome of crack, weed, ice, and ms. fix, the literal personifications of actual street drugs. boomstick: so you're telling me he's preaching an anti-drug message,
knowing that drugs are the entire reason he became awesome? wiz: i guess we can add "hypocrite" to his list of aliases. despite being a physically perfect human, captain america more or less has the same weaknesses as any other man. his patriotic uniform can only protect him so much from stabbing weapons, boomstick: and sniper bullets! god knows he gets killed pretty good by those. "ahh! weapons! my only weakness! how did you...know...?"
wiz: even in the face of death, captain america always stands for what the united states needs. boomstick: and sometimes that's serving hitler an american-sized knuckle sandwich. man 1: who're you supposed to be? captain america: i'm...captain america. wiz: alright, the combatants are set. let's end this debate once and for all. boomstick: it's time for a death battleeeeeeee!!! announcer: fight! [punching noises]
[electricity zapping] captain america: let's finish this. hyper!!!! [smoke blowing] [explosion] [metal clang] announcer: ko! boomstick: i pledge allegiance, to the cap,
hanging miserably from the light post. wiz: captain america did have the endurance and power advantage, and batman himself has admitted he could lose a hand-to-hand match against him, but there's a big difference between "could" and "would". boomstick: i could survive a fall out of an airplane, but i wouldn't bet on it. unless you're doing it wiz, you should totally try it. five bucks if you make it. wiz: you're an idiot boomstick.
also, the fact is, batman is more than a boxer. his stealth and disarming skills allowed him to turn the fight in his favor. boomstick: not to mention the gadgets. just because cap "see faster" doesn't mean he can see hard enough to spot bats through a solid wall of smoke. wiz: batman also regularly battles and sneaks around super beings far above your average laser nazi. boomstick: if he can ninja around superman super-hearing, there's no reason he can't do the same to captain america. wiz: and of course, batman has more knowledge about pressure points and fighting styles,
'cause he's mastered all of them rather than simply being adept, helping him incapacitate and finish off the star-spangled soldier. captain america just couldn't hang in there. wiz: the winner is batman. boomstick: next time on death battle. treize: i have a guide here that will show you how to live from now on. tommy: tigerzord! wiz: got an idea for a death battle? let us know in the comments below.
boomstick: like, subscribe, follow and click the shiny pictures to keep watching more people kill each other for your amusement. thanks for watching. that was your line, my bad wiz. wiz: stealing my lines... you're an idiot boom-- boomstick: just like i steal the show. hahah! subscribe because i'm better than wizard!
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