Februari 11, 2017
[emory] "you are not alone. conflict is coming." that is the messagewe received. conflict?is that a threat? no, sir. it's morelike a warning. this message was sent to us by a friendly alien raceknown as "antarians." they want to help us. do we need help?
the antarians aren'tthe only onesto have found us. enemies are alreadyon their way. luckily,it's a great distance. and it will take many yearsbefore they can reach us. the antarians haveoffered us a gift. this unique suit of power that one person willwear as our champion. it will take many decades to transport that suit to us. so we have selected a child,
gifted with both incredible intelligence and athletic prowess. he will spend his entire life training. we will push him to achieve perfection and then improve perfection. and after perfection is achieved, we'll double the score. as he grows more mature, we'll test him in every way imaginable.
we will prepare him for anything the universe can throw at him. [grunting] [groans] [general cale] one final question, what if this champion fails? [emory] sir, are you familia with the greek hero perseus? when perseus was sent forth to defeat the gorgon, he was armed with four gifts from the heavens,
the helm of hades... [roaring] the winged boots of hermes... the shield of athena... and the sword of zeus. and with the power of these gifts combined, perseus was victorious. sir, our perseus, our champion of earth, will not fail...
because he will not know how to. perfect score, sir. good.training's over. soon, the entire universe will know the full potential of the human race. [music playing] [wheelchair whirring] [beeps] hey, there, gloria.
going kind of fast. don't make merun you in. [honking horn] [sighs] god,i hate friday nights. [crowd cheering] [larry] what a night here at milford stadium, with the mustangs up by 21 points with two minutesleft on the clock. [chanting indistinctly]
[wink] ladies and gentlemen with us tonight, former milford mvp, herman mendoza. the texas tornado. stand up, herman. if he can stand. [woman] it's thetexas tornado! shit. [man] i know that guy. no open containers,herman.
he doesn't need to bemessing with fire water. herman mendoza has beenknown to puke a bit. [cheerleader]where's mindy? mindy! [screaming] mmm... [larry] the cheerleaders are leading cheers. it's all spelled correctly,the vendors are vending. the commentatorsare commentating. wouldn't you agree, wink?
yup. oh, it feels right. water? wrong team, asshole. hmm. awesome. milford's high score is dueto their star quarterback, zach spencer. [wink] he's got a cannon for an arm, but he's struggled with accuracy.
[woody] table. [wink] just a bit off the mark. [larry] he's known to gamble on big plays, as indicated by his signature "roll the dice" gesture. [wink] i don't think that's what that gesture's meant to convey. one minute on the clock, fakes a hand-off, goes out on his own! there's a blocker! ooh! that's gotta hurt.
free and clear now. touchdown! that's gonna be the game. [whistle blowing] amazing play, as he doeshis post-game stretching. important to keep those hips limber. [wink] you have no idea what's going on, do you? i do not, wink.not at all. [all cheering] [sighs]
[spits] [hagan] hey! you're goingthe wrong way. sorry, sheriff! he ain'ta sheriff, woody. he's a half-ass. [woody] bye,sheriff half-ass! [hagan spits] yeah, it's nice tosee you too, herman.
[crashing] god damn it. [clatters] [all laugh] that's funny, guys.yeah. i need to seesome ids, now. or what? you gonna hit us withone of those lightsabers? "we're not the droidsyou're looking for." [laughs]
[murdoch] shut up, franksen. that's it, everybodyout of the vehicle. peace out, boba fett. damn it. live long and prosper! that's not eventhe right movie, moron! base, this is deputy haganin pursuit of a 4-81. i need back-up assistance-- [dispatch] no dice, deputy.
sheriff wants you out at ruby lake for an extraction. for an extraction? base, what exactlyam i extracting? you jerkoffs couldn'tbeat me on the field, so you think youcan beat me here? i get it. hey, douchebag!this is our party,all right? dude, i won.it's my party.
that's nothow parties work. it's all my party! that doesn't even-- [crowd exclaims] [crowd cheers] [boy yelling] great, drunk teenagers.this will be fun. [girl] hey, guys,stripper's here! okay, let's do it.ready?
[camera clicks] [hagan] take it again,i think i blinked. uh-oh. bye, jules. oh, my god. dad, what are youdoing at this party? i'm working, mindy. what are youdoing at this party? partying.
there are two peoplethat can't see you with beer in your hand, your father and a cop. and i'm both of 'em. [glass thuds] please tell me that is notzach spencer out there. ooh. yeah, it's him. go easy on him,he's kind of dumb. all right, fine.give me that.
hey! yo, kick his ass.kick his ass! knock-knock! you need to getthe hell out of here. dude, you get thehell out of here! how about that? all right,break it up. [zach] that's what i thought. let's go, kid.
number one! i'm talking to you, kid. top of the world! [laughing] all right, that's it. undefeated, bitch! whoo! [electricity crackling] [convulsing] [splashing]
[all] yeah! one foot infront of the other. i got it.i know the feet. oh, see if mindyneeds a ride, too. kid, you have the rightto remain silent. you should do that. ugh! it's not funny. it's kind of funny.
all right, i know we've allhad a lot of fun tonight, but the show's over. it's time for you allto go home. [crowd laughing] there's nothing elseto see here. [clattering] you're lucky i'm nottaking you in, kid. you should be arrested. your face should be arrested.'cause your face is a whore.
[zach chuckles] [tyres screech] you shouldreally buckle up. i'd hate to haveto give you a ticket. wait, i know you. you're that guy that blewthe championship game, like, 800 years ago! what doeseveryone call you? has-been half-back?no, it was half-ass hagan.
seriously, dude,that hurts! wait, hagan? mindy's name-- that's right. mindy is my daughter. oh! that's whyyou're tripping on me. you don't like someonedating your daughter. i raised my daughter to be a strong,independent woman,
capable of makingher own decisions. that being said, sometimes i disagreewith those decisions. look, don't worry about it.mindy and i are just friends. i haven't evenbanged her yet. [groans] oh, god! i should really get thebrakes checked in this car. we're trackingan inbound ufo. it just enteredthe atmosphere.
excellent. men, this isa moment in time that has beendecades in the making. tonight, our alien friendswill bestow upon us a gift that willgive humanity its rightful placein the galaxy. tonight, we getour champion-- [fireworks bursting] tonight, we willget our champion--
tonight, the earthwill get its-- who in the hellauthorised fireworks? what the... there's a burn banout here for a reason. [siren blaring] hold on, kid.got to make a pit stop. [herman] whoo! [woody] awesome. [herman] looks like it's timefor another beer run, woody.
this is only my second. how many didyou drink, herman? whatever 24minus two is, man! you do the math![chuckles] you ain't gonnafigure it out, dumbass. light another one. [sniffles and clears throat] [whispering] yeah,all right. here we go. come on, now.come on.
[firework whistling] [exclaiming] [woody] darn tree! [hagan] oh, shit! [explosion] [cackling] [herman] direct hit!nice one, woody. [woody] oh, it was nothing. well, look who it is.woody, prep another one.
stay whereyou are, woody. no, woody,prep another one. look here, officer. this hereis private property. it's not your privateproperty, herman. besides, you'rebreaking the law. since when's blowingshit up against the law? since theyinvented laws. what do theysay about this?
add littering tomy list of offences. give me the fireworks or spend the nightin the drunk tank! that goes foryou too, woody. i done that before. someone threw a balland i fell in a tub of water. no, that's a dunk tank.drunk tank is jail. oh, i don'twant to do that. you want the fireworks?
fine, i'll give youa firework. oh. the mama gigante. the courier vesselis arriving, sir. all right,this is it, everyone. [guns cocking] high-pressure moment.what you gonna do, hagan? herman. ooh... it's gonna be a big one!
do not lightthat firework. do it!light that bastard! one more wordout of you and i-- you'll what, you gonnadouble-arrest me? [laughs] [hagan] herman. er... officer hagan-- [hagan] not now, woody. what's that? do not light that...
oops. too slow.just like always. that's it, come... [hagan] what is that? yeah, you thinki'm gonna fall for... oh, shit! [herman exclaiming] [hagan] that is your fault! you did the one thingi said not to do! i shot e.t.! i killed e.t.!i didn't do it!
guys, guys, guys!help! help! i promise i won't tryto bang your daughter! [thudding] what in god's namewas that? what the hellwas that? that waswoody's fault. my bad. [all groaning] [siren wailing]
[woody] is that it? [zach] no,it's another spaceship that fell outof the sky, dumbass. i'll check it out.you guys stay here. [zach] holy shit!this is awesome! just, everybodycalm down. calm down?we're gonna be rich! that's a ufo![chuckles] a goddamn unidentifiedflying object!
[woody] it's notflying, herman. it's an unidentifiedlaying-on-the-ground object. this is serious,we need to... hey, what are you doing? [shutter clicking] taking selfies. first people to shootdown a spaceship? that's like1,000 likes. it is not a spaceship.
it's military,probably from the base. and we did notshoot it down. yeah, woodyshot it down. sorry, y'all,i got to be more careful. you're on fire, genius. whoa! darn fire! nobody shot it down,okay? it crashed. and if you're smart,you'll stick to-- [whirring]
is that a body? nasty. that is not a body. looks like... armour. yeah, that isdefinitely military. zach, leave it alone. yeah, right. finders keepers.i'm hawking all this shit. except this one. daddy likes.
what elsethey got in there? [hagan] come on, guys,it could be dangerous. do you think?that would be badass! [herman] oh! come to papa. there's a trigger,but it doesn't work. stop... [mimics gunfire] oh, yeah, this isdefinitely an upgrade. i hope you bad boyslike toe fungus. [chuckles]
[hagan] woody! [beeping] oh, this is neat. they made me wear a helmetin elementary school, but i outgrew it. [hagan] woody, come on,just put it back. ooh. looks like yourhead's in a fishbowl. oh, not again. take that thing off,for crying out loud.
you too. i ain't taking off shit. give me that! whoa! they're supposedto go together. find your own! kid, i'm not tryingto take it from you. i'm just tryingto put it back. [chiming] [powering up]
what did you do? nothing, i saidput it back! you turned it on! no, i didn't! mine's on too, man! [clicking and whirring] [all screaming] oh, man, it feels likemy legs just gave birth. i didn't thinkit was that bad.
[shrieking] oh, god! i thinkit ate my brain. greetings, oh, champion. dude, i told youit was aliens. greetings,gross alien, whose planet i don'tknow the name of. we are earthlingsfrom planet earth. you're talkingto a recording. oh, right.greetings, recording,from the planet record.
the antarian federationbestows upon you, this suit of power. suit of power? a great battleawaits you. the fate of your worldlies in your hands. our enemyis powerful, but a true championwill prevail. that's gonna gethim mad at you! prepare yourself.
and good luck,champion of earth. conflict is coming. "conflict is coming"?well, then, herman is leaving. i ain't got notime for conflict. hold on a second. [chuckles] my limp!it's gone! check me out!my limp is gone! it's a christmas miracle. i'm back in the game![chuckles]
what's the matter,chubbs, you stuck? are you? [grunts] shit,my throwing arm! how do we getthese things off? i'm never takingthese off, baby. [groaning] i think i got it. [pulse fires] [zach] whoa!
[hagan] are you kidding me? [zach] oh, my god! that's a firework! whoo! [hagan] my car. my helmet says "warning"and it's pointing up. you think it's trying towarn me about my brain? oh, no! [zach] whoa! a shield!
that's awesome... if you don't havea gun that shoots lasers! we got to get these off. i'm nevertaking this off! i'm like iron man! hold on! [woody] herman? hey, you guys see that? no, we didn't.
[exclaims]i was running fast. we got to get this off! i'm not taking shit off! [woody] guys, my helmet'stalking to me again. "there will bean immediate treat." are we getting treats? [soldier] come on! come on! [soldiers chattering] hands in the air!
do not move! don't shoot.don't shoot. they've donned the suit,how do we proceed? [emory over radio] incapacitate them. no, don't do that! why don't youincapacitate this? [clicking] i'm a police officer,i was just in the process of-- that was an accident.
take him down! [soldier] open fire! [rapid gunfire] he's got defences! [retching] did we take him out? no, i thinkhe just fainted. take him out again. [hissing]
[soldier] stop resisting! there's not gonna beany treats, is there? come on, guys, he's half braindamaged already! [commander]bag 'em up, men! ah! the bag won't fit! sir, he's unbaggable. just get himin the truck. get him in the truck.
you're allunder arrest! "ufo spotted in milford"? crazy. zach? and dad? oh, my god. after multiple reports of a ufo sighting in milford, texas, a twitter post showing several men at what seems to be the crash site
has gone viral. ...calling themselves"lazer team." could this be first contactwith an alien race? i just don'tbelieve in aliens. i've seen better alientechnology at comic-con. you'd be crazy to think they're legit. you thought i was crazy, but you're the ones in your mind prisons! you know who ain't? you know who's free?
lazer team, that's who! yeah! whoo! oh, no. morons, they left memy laser gun! i can just blastus out of here. and blow thiswhole place up? what the hell?holy shit. i think theygave me amnesia. anaesthesia. localizedto disable our extremities. [choking]
what did i just say? [hagan] my arm's numb, too. clearly, theyparalysed the parts of-- shut up, dude.i'm out. [thuds] like your boots. you should have waiteduntil i finished talking. why are we here? [emory] you're here to talk.
at approximately2300 hours, you not only managedto crash an alien spacecraft, but you also commandeered a highly classifiedweapon system. how? fifth amendment, bitch. also, we wouldlike to exercise our right to an attorney, and trial by a juryof our peers. [chokes]
we know our rights. my taxespay your salary, buddy. mr mendoza, you haven'tpaid taxes in 15 years. it's a figure of speech. this isn't a game. who's this douchebag? this "douchebag" is therightful wearer of that suit. i'm thechampion of earth. [all laughing] you look like thechampion of swim team.
[zach] where's yourjunk in there? we're all champions, dude.the alien told us. what alien? the antarctican guy. from the planetrecord-- antaria. there was a...a hologram came out. it said there's somekind of... battle coming. in less than five days, an alien warriorwill arrive to do battle
with whoever iswearing this suit. to the death. the hologramleft that part out. gentlemen,this is not a game. this alien species,the worg, they're called, they're on a crusadeto eradicate any race they deem weak. seventeencivilizations destroyed. they're demanding to do battlewith the earth champion
to determine the fateof our planet. ooh, like the ancienthebrew account of david versus goliath.[croaks] yes, and as davidneeded his slingshot, we need oursuit of power. all right, takethe pieces off of us, put 'em on hitler youth,and we'll bounce! they can't takethe pieces off. if they could,they would have done it
while we wereknocked out. the suit has a protectionmechanism built into it. it genetically locksonto whoever puts it on and activates it. i assure you nobody ishappy about this situation, but the fate ofthe earth is at stake. you do want to savethe planet, don't you? [scoffs] this planet? [scoffs]a little bit.
there's a lot of jackasses. [emory] what? you told meto let you know if the media reportedon the incident. [emory] who picked it up?local news or national? both, but it'sworse than we thought. it's on facebook. are you kidding me? [zach] my mom shared it.
you posted a threat tonational security on facebook? nobody told me not to. i told him not to. what's the "lazer team"? [zach] oh, dude, that's us! you spelt"laser" wrong. how would you know? delete it. okay, that has1,200 likes.
no way, the last timei had over 1,000 likes, was when i"accidentally" posted a picture of mypenis in a hotdog bun. delete itor i'll delete you. ooh! you betterdo what he say. all right. congratulations,gentlemen. you are now officiallypart of project perseus. training beginsat 0500.
[all] training? and do me one favour.try not to get us all killed. you guys are trending,by the way. what? nice. can i friend you?if that's... no. i'll be on the otherside of the window... if you need me. [adam] you expect me to train the idiots
that stole my birthright from me? i've worked my entire life for this. [emory] that is why they need your help. you're the only one experienced enough to teach them how to use it in time. [adam] four days? i've trained every day for decades. [emory] adam, is this about the planet or you? [adam] without me, there is no planet!
[helicopter blades whirring] when perseus was sentto defeat the gorgon, he was armed withfour gifts from the heavens. a sword, boots,a helmet and a shield. with these gifts,he was victorious. you'll now beginyour formal training to utilise your... gifts. we only have four days
until the worgchampion arrives to kill you anddestroy our planet. we start now. [in british accent]uh, pardon me, old chap. i have a question,if i may. it can wait. fair play. i got a question. why doeshe sound british now? his helmet ismaking him intelligent. [scientist 1]woody's a stupid person,
and that's whatstupid people think smart people sound like. it's dumb woody'sversion of smart woody. that's idiotic. precisely. no, that makes sense. it makes sense. what's up? that's enough.
my name's herman. enough! let's get started. [woman] anthony hagan.test number one. the repulsordefensive gauntlet produces an energy shield impenetrable by any weapon. first test is to stopthe incoming projectiles. i just have a quickquestion before we begin.
[machine powering up] how exactly--[groaning] yeah! yeah! best test ever!run it back! [woody] i freakinglove science. [adam] next! [woman] test number 17. use the particleacceleration gauntlet to destroy the targets
by firing concussive blastsat varying intensities. let's go witha low power setting. i know what i'm doing. let's crankthis baby up to-- [pulse firing] whoa! [zach groaning] next! test number 43.
use the positronic helmetto locate the targets. the visor isequipped with zoom, ...and othervisual enhancements. guys! oh! what's your problem? looks like a malfunction. no! i can fix it. shut it off!
keep your head still. i wish i was dead! next. [woody] ugh! it's so close! test number 124. use the quantumboots to jump over all of the hurdlesbefore the buzzer sounds. excuse me, you can'tsmoke on this course. oh, word? watch me.
wait, wait, wait! [woody] you were supposedto jump over the hurdles. put him on a special diet.no smoking, no drinking. just kill me now. next! next! [guard]sleep tight, lazy team. see you tomorrow. [zach] in four hours! that was awful.
i haven't run that fast since half-ass haganruined my life. yes, this level of rigoroustraining can be difficult. [zach] you didn'tdo anything. all you did was seesome naked people. i also performed an enormousamount of calculations! oh, that sounds brutal. i thought it waspretty impressive. [zach] no,this is impressive.
where'd you get that? i stole it. i thinki'll give mindy a call. please don't do that. if you want to seehow bad she wants you, see how longshe says "hey." "hey"? "yeah, "hey"is like "what's up?" but "hey" means, i like you.anything more than that, and you know she wants to seeyour penis in a hotdog bun.
zach? hey, mindy. hey... [chuckles] is that blood on your shirt?are you okay? [zach] long day. met some aliensand got a laser gun. military picked us up, now they're training usto save the world.
all i did todaywas eat froyo. oh, that's awesome.i love froyo. after i beat upthese aliens trying to destroy the planet, i'm totally getting some froyo. that's it? froyo is tasty. hey, is my dad there? is he okay? [zach] uh, yeah.
but his piece ofarmour kind of sucks, so i'm not sure if he'sgonna make final lazer team. [scoffs] look, zach. my dad may not be very strong or brave or smart. but he is really good at... er... hmm. i love you too,sweetie. [franksen] this isjust like camping.
no one everinvites me camping. i know i was orderedto be here, but-- [murdoch] shut up! [franksen] just saying. mur, why they gotus out here all night guarding thisdamn wrecked ship? top secret stuff, refry.they need their best on it. [belches] besides,beats patrol duty.
what thehell was that? let's go havea look-see, dickholes. franksen, stay. you guys sure youdon't need any help-- stay, frank. okay. careful, guys. there's possumsand stuff. i'll be damned.more alien stuff. i'll radio it in.
or maybe we takea look first, see if this one'sgot any of them fancy gadgetsthose morons got. [hissing and whirring] ooh, baby. [bean] careful, mur. [clicks] uh... [chittering]
mur, what is that? ah! get it off! get it off me! [thunder rumbling] guys? hey, guys! you guys okay? jeez. i thoughtsomething bad was gonna-- [wood clacking]
adam? no. adam. i said i'm done. i'm not doing it. will you just listen? [grunts and exhales] we can cutthe pieces off. jenkins was wrong--
how can yousay he's wrong? we do that,we have nothing! the suit works as a unit. we separate it,it's not as powerful. you can forget about usingthe dark matter ray or any of the otherhigher suit functions. they won't make it. make them make it.that's your job. my job is to bechampion of earth.
that job wastaken by the four men sitting downin the brig. get used to it. they'll fail. and then we'll have to cutthose pieces off. i guarantee it. [grunts] [adam] they'll fail. and then we'll have to cut those pieces off.
[gate clicks] thanks. everybody sound asleep, huh? [snoring] lazer team angels. they look precious. what's that, then? your new uniforms. specially formulatedby the us military
with advanced microfibres. and they are notanti-flammable. so they are flammable? they will notretard flames. most clothing's flammable,why even mention that? file this under"most clothing," because these will burn. are you expectingus to catch on fire? i should go.
what are you looking at? i said, open the door. [door closes] [suits squeaking] for today's test,you will learn a higher suit function known asthe dark matter ray. accessible only when... the suit is usedin unison.
what's the problem? it's riding up my gooch. half this suit'sinside me. i'm wearing a onesie. [adam] deal with it. aren't you supposedto be superheroes? lazer squad? it's lazer team. why are welazer team?
because i have a laser. we don't. [zach] you're the team part. let's be "boot group." "helmet boyand friends"? "the marvellous shield"?"shield" can be an acronym-- so lame. you're lame. you got something better?
[zach] lazer team! nobody cares aboutyour stupid name! can we focus onwhat we're here for? save the planet? the most importantthing to keep in mind is when thatfirst wave comes out, those particleslike to travel... [woody] zachary, do not react. i'm talking to you telepathically.
whoa! are you really?that's badass! shut up and listen! now, duringthe first wave... [woody] shh. don't panic. i'm talking to all of you right now. [zach] this is weird. my helmet'sabilities are growing as they adjust to me. but this is all new.
i've made this placeso we can talk mentally. i'm not sure howlong i can do it, but i need totell you something. so everyone concentrate. yeah. everybodyconcentrate. and nobody thinkabout anything weird. are you thinkingabout something weird? yeah, we can seeyou thinking about it. well, now you are too.
you made methink about this. i can't stop, either. i overheard a conversation.adam wants to sabotage us. he wants thepieces for himself. if we don't pass today,they're going to cut them off. pay attention. i'll stop thinkingabout it. let me come upwith something. i got it.
oh, you gotta be-- hi, daddy. [adam] which is whythe dark matter ray may be the only thingthat can defeat the worg. just remember what i saidand you should be fine. ready? begin. come here,you son of a bitch! throw 'em backin their cells.
[herman] man, why youdoing me like this? why you guysgotta be like this? that can't havehelped our chances. don't worry,we'll be fine. woody says we areliterally on a chopping block. i wouldn't be surprisedif somebody came and took us away. they need us.there's no way that-- [door opens]
hey, are you guys... the "champion of earth"? yeah. [retches] we're as close asyou're gonna get. okay. well,it's time for your... [laughs] [whispers] jesus. your physical.
you were saying? [man over pa] dr flanniga to the or, please. all right.patient number one,step right through here. [hagan] don't worry,you'll be okay. [nurse] patient number two,right there. patients numberthree and four, in here? we're together? oh, i ain'tgoing in there.
[keyboard clacking] hey, man. hey, man,you a good doctor or you one of themcrazy doctors? ooh, you a bad doctor. we were toldthis was a physical. do we actuallyneed these restraints? it's for your own safety. that didn't makeme feel very safe.
hagan! i gotta tell you something.i just want you to know i've always hated you. i've always hatedyou the most! not now. [herman] this isall your fault! if you would'veleft us alone, none of thiswould've happened. but, no, you had to takeme on a space adventure.
now they're gonnacut my legs off. you, sir, are a bitch. you just need... to shut the hell up! sorry. i saw everything,that was self-defence. i can't believe i'm saying it,but good job, hagan! get me now! hold still.
no, you don't need that! just unbuckle me! there's no time. there was timeto unbuckle you... [drill whirring] i think i needa new gown. nah, you're fine. here. get dressed.let's go find woody. and the kid.
let's not get toofar ahead of ourselves. [guard] okay,so we get a cab, take it back to thetrailer park, all right? one thing leads to another, we're on my water bed,making out. i take her top off,wouldn't you believe it, she had a tattooof adolf hitler on her left boob, and another one ofjoseph stalin on her right.
[man over pa] dr marquee to the psychiatric ward. [indistinct shouting] [yelling] hey, kid, you free? yeah, i used the laser gunto get my cuffs off. where's your orderly? yeah, he... he wentaway someplace. what's that dust? nobody.
i mean, nothing. [zach] this is nevergonna work. slow down! i am pushing. push with two hands. i only have one. i only have one, too. your other hand is insidea giant freaking hand! what is this?
[hagan] oh, er... this is one ofthe spacesuit guys. he just died.the really fat gross one. just shit himselfand collapsed. [zach] embarrassingway to die, fat and covered in crap. you can take a look,as long as you don't mind lots of shit and grossnesson a big, fat body. we'll pass.move along.
you sure? you can dive in there. move along. [hagan] thanks,keep up the good work. [zach] god bless america. [herman] what has happenedto boot group? [hagan] shut up. this won't hurt a bit.[screaming] woody! get up, woody!
oh, my god!they took his head! oh, hey, guys. kill it! kill it! oh, my god, they took my arm!how am i just noticing this! why? why? guys, relax. it's fine. seems stealth modeisn't entirely effective when fractured.is anyone hurt? i'm fine.
i'm 100%. i'm good. hey, thanks. i'm good, too. all right, hurry up. they're gonna figureout we're gone any... [alarms ringing] second. now what?
don't worry,i know the way. okay, this should bethe quickest way out. [woody] bollocks. woody, can you, uh,hack the mainframe? i'll just blastit at full power. zach, don't-- oh, great job, you hit everythingbut the goddamn door. what the hell isthis door made of?
[door chiming] [adam] where you going? give me my suit. you can have the suit! boots, do something. all right-- [groans] you're justwasting time. oh, that's quiteimpressive. [whimpers]
[exclaims] hey! you wantto give me a hand? thanks. everyonejoin together. how are youdoing this? you're not supposedto be able to do that. i guess we'reworking together now. teamwork and shit! you're not a team.you're a joke. you idiots think youcan save the planet?
the only champion thisplanet has is me-- [groans] whoo! that's what you get for messing withlazer team, bitch. great job, zach.good work, everybody, let's... er... all right, let's go. zach! crap. find them.
[man over pa] attention all soldiers. the perseus project has escaped. i repeat, lazer team is on the loose and they're considered armed and dangerous. [zach] they're everywhere,we'll never get past them. speak for yourself. isn't woody supposedto be like macgyver? build us a hovercraftout of paperclips. does anyone rememberwhere we left that gurney?
and that cat tells the baby,"what? oh, no, you didn't!" cat nap? more like"cat, oh, snap," am i right? i know you've heard of these guys on the internetcalling themselves lazer team. they're on facebook, on instagram, on snapchat, and jimmy kimmel, i know it's you, man. [doorbell rings] come out and quit playing. i ain't no fool. fool me once, shame on me.
fool me twice, shame on jimmy kimmel. are you mindy hagan? we'd like to ask yousome questions. [hagan] we can hide out here,but don't touch anything. it's my ex-wife's cabin,if you break something, i'd hate to haveto pay for it. it's like a hobbylobby threw up in here. is this your ex-wife's placeor your grandma's? [hagan] let's say shehas very classical taste.
this is mindy's mom, huh? nice. i seewhere she gets it. put it down. now. guys, if thiscountdown is correct, this alien worgle thingis gonna be here in two days. so we just chill out here and let this wholething blow over. that's notwhat we're doing. it's not?
statistically, the bestoption for the planet was to let them amputate. a choicei found disagreeable, given my0% survival rate. actually, zero wouldbe absolute certainty that i wouldn't survive,when, naturally-- woody. let the government handle it.that's why we vote! you don't vote.
guys, we tooktheir suit of power. we're morallyobligated to do something-- don't lecture me. we're in thispredicament because of you. the whole reason i'm inthis bullshit town is you. [arguing continues] zachary, is that you? yeah. damn, mindy,you look good. it is an earth leopard. thank you.
do you still possess the particleacceleration gauntlet? what, the laser gun?yeah, you like that? i like that very much. what is your location, so we can meet and mate? are you serious? absolutely. it is important that we do that. but first, we must meet.
we're just hangingout at your old cabin. i should be there soon. i'm excited and plan to bevery fertile upon arrival. [zach chuckling] oh, yes. [kisses] i love this thing. [man over pa] attention all units, perseus project is loose and considered armed and dangerous, proceed with caution.
please, keep your head on a... oh, shit. [all gasping] my boss is here. guys, i gotta call you back. general cale.i wasn't expecting you. emory, we appreciateyour dedication, but we're moving aheadwith a contingency plan. general,i appreciate that, but we will get thisunder control. i feel that oncethe lazer team--
what did youjust call them? i meant, the prisoners. once apprehended-- enough. sir! bill, we need to tryfighting this alien first. before we launcha nuclear weapon that just killsmillions of people. [sighs]prepare the nuke.
we've got a planetto save. and more importantly,a nation. [zach] dude,what's his problem? who, herman? yeah, it's likehagan's the worst thing that's ever happenedto him. but they must've been friendsat some point. look. herman doesn'treally talk about it. it's complicated.
complicated? like, gay? no, why would youassume gay? you paused.seemed like a gay pause. what's a gay pause?it was a regular pause. whatever.i'm gonna find out. [knock on door] don't get up, guys. just somebody knocking on the doorof our secret hideout.
mindy? hello, father. how did you find us? i communicatedwith zachary. oh, really? he's one ofthe earth champions. that's a reallyformal way to say that. i purchased foodas a distraction. food! thank you,i'm starving. come in!
thank you so much. oh, hey, mindy. hello, zachary. y'all eatingin here? [chuckling] all right. i hate to interrupt,but may i have a moment in privatewith you? er, yeah, sure. [mindy] it is bestfor us to be alone
so that no one can monitor the things i'm goingto say and do to you. [herman]where your daughter at? hmm? [zach] before we do this,i have to tell you something. i know you thinki'm a stud, and i am, but i've neveractually been with a girl. but i practise onmyself all the time. and i'm prettysure that counts.
it's not that i don'twant to bang you, i absolutely do,but i also like you. maybe those areconnected somehow. i don't know. does that make sense? thank you, god. [electronic chirp] what the hell? have you beenworking out?
give it to me.give it to me, now! you like it rough, huh? too rough, too rough. jesus, mindy. what do you want? i want what you have. [mindy] give it to me,zachary, or i'll rip it off. zachary. maybe we shouldjust be friends.
[rattling] [shatters] [man on tv] now, he's a happy little tree. he was sad till we put some leaves on him. but in our world, everything's happy. [mattress squeaks loudly] help me! [man on tv] clouds are the freest things in nature. hey, man, i don't like you,but this is embarrassing.
damn it, mindy. mmm. your grandkid couldcome out half laser. all right,i can't take it any more. mindy! [all exclaiming] [herman] jesus. [zach] god, no,i'm gonna throw up! [all] oh! [hagan] mindy, honey,are you okay?
what did you do to her? [herman] your relationshipis complicated. what you need to do is-- herman, look out! oh! zach, no. don't laya hand on my... daughter. mindy, no, wait. [all shouting] [whimpering]
hey, hey! hey. no, no, no. zach, don't hurt her. she's gone crazy. she's possessed, zach. huh? that thing on her neck. [woody] herman, use the tape. screw that. nobodypossesses my girlfriend.
aw. i'm your girlfriend? well, yeah... [laughs]yeah, that's my girl. herman, now! mindy!i got her, come on. we need to getthis thing off of her. whoa, whoa, whoa.wait. i am woodrow,a champion of earth.
to whom are we speaking? i know thisdevice is monitored. this one is nowa servant of the worg. mmm. those are bad guys. thanks for the update. it is our planet or yours,and it will be yours. we don't want your planet.we just want peace. the loodels wanted peace.now, they are nothing. no, it doesn't haveto be like that! nobody--
[woody] zach, no! [parasite chirps] what did you dothat for, you bellend? to killthe alien bug thing! we were negotiating. you just destroyedour only meansto communicate! oh, my bad. hey, y'all. why is that thingmaking a beeping noise?
[parasite beeping] [woody] it's gota self-destruct mechanism! what do we do? you guysget her out of here! go, go, go! i guess it's not gonna-- [hagan screaming] ow. what took you so long,half-ass?
hagan, you're alive! [zach] yeah,that's the bad news. the good newsis you get to buy your ex a new house. daddy,what are you doing here? wait. what am i doing here? [engine starting] are those headlights?the military!
[woody] guys,those soldiers are possessed by worg parasites, too. [hagan] they're tryingto sabotage us. everybody,get in the truck, now! mindy, come on. [engine stalls] go, come on. somebody's gonna haveto get out and push! screw you guys!
boot group! [woody] herman,you're doing it! [herman] no shit i'm doing it! faster, they'regaining on us. [herman] faster?i'm pushing a truck, man. [growls] what the hellis going on? no time to explain. you were possessedby an alien probe,
now we're beingchased by soldiers who also appearto be possessed. i guess there wastime to explain. faster, herman!use those power thighs! [hagan] faster! you get out and push! board the truck. [herman]they're coming up fast! herman, i'm coming.
[murdoch] take them out. maybe we can justtalk this over-- hey, dickhead!knock-knock! hagan, there'sa low-hanging obstacle! [hagan] what did you say? never mind. yeah! [murdoch] kill them all! god damn it!
i think we'veagitated them. whoa. [growls] destroy the truck! get them, zachary. i got this. [hagan] down, herman! [herman]don't miss, don't miss... [hagan] don't move. oh, bloody hell,you missed him.
[growling] oh, never mind.good job. [laughs] whoo! great job, kid! [zach] take that,you sons of bitches! [adam] two millionviews and counting. [emory] damn it. what the hell is itwith these kids and the internet?
they were actuallyworking together. it's unbelievable. you guys wanna seea video of a guy eating a tennis shoe? [woody] keep going, herman.good job! just keep pushing.just a little bit further. keep it coming, just a...okay. all right. our high school? what is the matterwith you?
why not steer ustowards prison? i'm picking upa transmission. you should hear this. in here. wait, we havea computer lab? nerds must love this place. didn't you goto school here? [reporter on screen you are looking live at milford, texas.
this is truly a landmark event, janine. the craft descended only a few minutes ago, but already has altered the course of human history... forever. and to anyone who's ever wondered, "are we alone in the universe?" there's your answer. man, look atthe size of that thing! [crowd screaming]
[reporter] janine,something is happening. it appears the ship hasbeamed something down. it's some sortof force field. [menacing laughter] [leader speakingnative language] [robotic voice translating earth mongrels, the battle for your world will soon begin. bring your pitiful champions to the field of battle. any failure to appear will be considered forfeit,
followed by the destruction of your entire planet. you have 24 hours to comply. we are worg. we are your destruction. what a dick. don't worry, we'll do...something. right, guys? uh-uh. that's itfor me. i'm out. you're out? herman,the whole planet's involved. yeah, we've donethis before, half-ass. you and me.
we know how this goes. done what? [herman] it was 20 years ago,state championships. they called methe texas tornado. i had a fullscholarship all set up. we were 10 yardsfrom a perfect record. hagan had to block one guy. he missed. i got blind-sided. [bone cracks]
lost the championship. and i never... [zach] your limp. i lost everything. my scholarship,my future, my dream. because somebody who wassupposed to be my friend, supposed to have my back,wasn't there! we weren't champions then,and we ain't champions now. army wants tofight these things? let them.
i'm sitting this one out. you can blockfor somebody else. don't you understand?we have a second chance. you're not strong enoughto block with the shield! it's gonna bea two-hit fight! the worg hits you, you hit the ground. then he hits meand i'm dead! that's morethan two hits.
shut up! herman, i cannot changewhat happened in the past. all i can do ismake things better now. no matter whatcomes your way, i will block it. [glass shatters] nice block, asshole! that is not my fault! i didn't knowwe were starting!
shut up! damn it! i'm out! we'll be all right!stick together! daddy! [parasite beeps] [woody] zach, leg it! mindy, wait! why does everythingexplode? [groans] ow.
[door creaking] [zach] mindy? crap! it's this asshole. ha! gotcha! god damn it, woody! [panting] [blurps] come on. nice try...
champ. dickhead. run, come on! [weapon powers up] don't look back! [mindy] why the hellwould i look back? [hagan] come on! [roars] [screams]
bugger me! [yelping] yes. [metal clanking] oh... ha! meant to do that, bitch! [chip beeping] no, wait. mindy, stop.
okay, we're good. [mindy screams] wait, wait... we want the suit! just stop.just let her go. i want the suit! where's mindy? [woody] a possessedsoldier has her. where?
is that hagan? [woody] i've got an idea. i hate when you have ideas. just calm down.you don't wanna do this. it's betweenyou and me. we will destroy you like we destroyedthe others. your species cannotcompete with worg! [woody] hagan, listen to me.
raise your shield. zach has a shot. [zach] i do? [hagan] zach, don't shoot! he has mindy! you'll hit her! tell your friendsto come out and i won't makeher suffer. [woody] raise the shield, hagan. what's going on? [hagan] no, i'm not doing it.
one. two. do not shoot. come on! three. [woody] hagan, now! man, you owe me. i said "thank you,"what else do you want? a case of beer,a foot massage,
and another caseof beer. get off me, fool!ain't nobody hugging you. everybody okay? yeah, i shotthe crap out of them. hey, everyone,it's not over yet. [herman] what now? the military are coming. we gotta move. we gotta finda place to lie low.
no? no, i'm not going. i'm tired of makingmesses and then just runningaway from them. so if you guyswant to run, you go ahead and run. okay, i get it.these guys, they almost killed us. and, yes,my teenage daughter
basically beat the shit outof all four of us at once. but at the end of the day,when this thing shows up, if we're notthere to fight it, who's gonna be? i'm staying. are you with me? where are the others? they left. i don't knowwhere they went
and i don't care. [emory] you have no ideahow much damage you've done. [hagan]just cut this thing off, give it to somebodywho deserves it. get him out of here. [man on tv] twenty minutes after the "doomsday broadcast," police and national guardhave cordoned off the stadium and urge civilians to stay clear.
soldiers were unable to enter due to what appears to be some sort of force field. questions remain. who are these aliens? what happens when the timer at the stadium goes to zero? and who are the champions of earth? is it this lazer team we've heard of on social media? now joining us via satellite to discuss, noted physicist, neil degrasse tyson. dr tyson, what do you make of this?
my calculations show that, scientifically, we're screwed. [herman]what are we doing here? we should begetting out of town. [woody] the last placeanyone's going to look for us is atthe actual fight. we should bepretty safe here. what are wegonna do, guys? maybe we should'veturned ourselves in.
i feel like thesepeople deserve a chance. these people are idiots.look how that guy spelled "apocalypse." [man on tv] the question is this, will this lazer team show up to battle for the fate of the earth? we have one person who seems to know the answer. do you think the lazer team is going to show up? uh-huh. they're not afraid of monsters,
aliens, or anything else. [man on tv] is there anythin you wanna say to them? save us, lazer team! don't let the worg eat my brain. we're pieces of shit. well, technically, the human bodyis 0.5% faeces. that probably does skewslightly higher for us. shut up, woody.
okay, we'll getyou prepped, and then we'll getthis thing off of you. be right back.[exclaims] first time i've doneone of these. so exciting! yeah, we're allhappy for you. screw it, i'm going in. [mindy] zach. zachary!where are you going?
you can't do this alone! without you,we're just "team." what do youthink you're doing? it's cool,i'm the champion. you're the champion? cool. just like themover there? son of a bitch. go join the rest ofthe justice league.
i don't havetime for this! back up! you believe this guy? [guard] take him down! i'm the champion! put his ass in the car! you need me! you idiots have no ideawhat you're doing! you thinkthis will work?
i don't know ifit will or won't. i do know this. pretty much nothingwe can do at this point that will get us fired. oh, great, it's you. come to gloat? came to get you out. out? i didn't believe in you,not at first,
but i've seenwhat's possible when you guyswork together. things that i didn't evenknow were possible. you even did okay onsome of those tests. we did awfulon the tests. but you also brokeout of this base, and you took outfour soldiers with alien technology. frankly, that wassome of the most
competent incompetencei've ever seen. and i was raisedby the military. lazer team actually hasmore experience with this than i do. even if the surgerydid work, i'd say the right man is already wearingthat gauntlet. you think weactually have a shot? hagan, you wereborn for this.
come on, gotta getyou to the stadium. the military has issued a statement assuring citizens that the situation is under control, but have refused to comment on the existence of any such champions. as the timer ticks down, only one thing is certain. if these champions are out there, we sure could use them now. bill?
[mindy] how are we gonnaget zach out of there? hey. you're alive!you have all your parts! herman, we needyou for this. you think you'renot fast enough and i'm not strong enough. we've had our differences,but i think-- okay. okay?
i'm in, man. wow, you madethat super easy. i had a whole speechready and everything. thankfully,we won't have to hear that. woody? i'm in. [adam] let's go. before that nuclear warheadbeats us to the fight. what? warhead?
did i nottell you guys? you didn't sayanything about a warhead. we have a lot todeal with tonight. not my fault. why didn't yousay something? i just did. let's go, there'sa nuke, i just... i'm telling you again. [herman] man, it didn't workin independence day.
[reporter on tv] less than 10 minutes on the countdown, the crowd outside is growing increasingly volatile, with no response from the military, other than to tell people to stay away. the entire world is wondering, where is the champion of earth? so, where is the best placeto get doughnuts around here? i've got a list.
about four or five placesthat are just local. hey, man, listen. i have a reallypowerful laser gun that i sort ofstole from the army. i tried to fight on my own,i know it was dumb, but there might still be timeto get it to someone-- i'm not alwaysgonna be here to help. you realise that, right? hagan?
all right,everybody buckle up. he means it. [officer] hey! [sirens blaring] [officer over radio] all units, police car attempting to break-in at the stadium. hold that. they're going away from the stadium. go the right way!that's the wrong way!
you told me to go right! [all] humvee! [soldier] stop your vehicle or we will open fire. right, i'm backing up!i'm backing up! i'm backing up! watch out!there's a lot of people! go around! [officer over radio] i think they are heading for the stadium, but backwards?
[zach] look out! [woody] no! take 'em down! [woody] barbeque! stop! everybody, hold on! [officer] don't let themget to the stadium! [woody] don't stop!don't stop! drive! drive! drive! [woody] look out!
[reporter on tv] absolutely astonishing, janine. the crowd out here is going insane. a vehicle has entered the stadium. could this be our champion of earth? humanity's one chance for survival? [herman] they wasshootin' at us! i am not drivingwith you again! i got us here, didn't i? barely.
sir, the warheadsare primed. ready to launchon your mark. hey, what are youdoing here? coaching. [loud reverberation] [antarians cheering] greetings, champions of earth. hey, it's the recording. antarian.
today you will battlefor the fate of your planet. prepare to meet your opponent. i'm scared. don't be. you guys can win this.you have the suit of power. there's nothingelse like it. presenting the worg champion. wait a minute. is he wearinga suit of power?
oh, come on! this fool tryin'to join boot group! [zach] "nothing like it,"my ass. this is bullshit! where the helldid he get a suit of power? the same place we did.from them. [herman] oh, come on! say that into my other ear, because it sounded likeyou said the antarians.
as you can see, your opponent has been givenan identical suit of power. this will ensure a fairand most pleasing competition. competition?what's he talking about? guys, take a look. i've intercepted a filefrom the antarian ship. is that a marchmadness bracket? close. it's an intergalacticgladiatorial circuit,
where the rewardis planetary salvation. what does that mean? it meansthat this war we're about tofight isn't a war. it's a goddamnsporting match! instead of winnersgetting trophies, losers get theirplanet destroyed. [herman] what a bunchof assholes! the earth isnever gonna be safe.
so what are wesupposed to do now? long-term? find a way tobreak the circuit. short-term... don't lose. we're screwed. this is impossible. no, it's not. don't say that.you guys can do this. get out there and winone for earth, okay?
great pep talk, coach.thanks. we have to firethe nuke. [emory] we're still evacuatingthousands of people from the blast radius. [man] and it didn't work i independence day, sir. let's just seewhat they can do. [speaking native language] i wonder what he said. he had a verylower worgon dialect,
but i think hesaid he was gonnaslowly kill us, forcing us each to eatthe remains of the last, before himselfeating what was left. that's nasty. this is it.get ready! come on, bitch.hell, yeah! guys, i don't have a weapon. my balls just went numb. lazer team...
game on! [buzzer ringing] [hagan] heads up! [worg laughs] this is going splendid! is it too late toput money on the worg? can't get pasthis shield! do something! woody, target the ground!
got it! zach, charge a big one! now, zach! yes! [hagan] don't let up! hit him again! coming back! two can play this game. technically,it's four of us.
i'm outta here. [woody] hold on, hagan, i'm gonna boost the shield. yes! yeah! you can't messwith lazer team! whoo! he's just cloaked!don't let him-- come on, sit still! yeah! that's right! "target locked"?but i'm the target! hey! crispy-lookingspace raisin!
why don't you trythe texas tornado? all right, now's ourchance. hit him! herman! woody! the dark matter ray! it's the only wayto put him down. the dark what? you nevertaught us that! get back up!on your feet! you gotta fight!
[gun firing] why don't you pick onsomeone your own size? adam, what are you doing? i'm buying you time! get ready to usethe dark matter cannon! we don't know how! no, but it does! adam, don't! come on,if you want this planet,
you gotta gothrough me first! adam, you're the one who'ssupposed to save the planet! i think i just did. [screams] no! it's timeto end this. [hagan] hey, asshole! well, boys,i guess he wants a fight. he came tothe right planet. i think he's about to firethe dark matter ray again.
then we'll fire ours.get it ready. with the suit separated,it could kill us. what's option b? he'll kill us. we'll go with option a. what are we doing? all right.we gotta look like him. [hagan] i gottastick it somewhere! yeah, yeah, yeah!
all right,charge it up! no, what are you doing? i can't keep this up! the separate piecesare too unstable! hold on, everybody!just hold on! you cannot fire the raywith the suit separated! now! [woody] we're outsidethe force field. [worg growls]
[antarians screaming] we did it! god bless america. [man on tv] celebrations are breaking out across the globe as the alien mothership appears to have vanished. no confirmation yet as to whether the ship was destroyed... but right now i know
everyone's thoughts and prayers are with those four men known as lazer team. nice shooting! that bitch is toast! [exhales] what do we do now? i have no idea. i fancy somefish-and-chips, to be honest.
enough withthe british thing. i can't even eat, anyway. this doesn't even come off.i'll just starve to death. i don't wanna go. [reporter] and here they are,the champions. the crowd is going wild. they're cheeringfor the one with the laser. also the other three. there's the four of themin matching suits,
and the crowd just loves it. just look at them. everyone wants to know,who are you guys? we're the guys whojust saved the planet. we're lazer team. [reporter]look, there's kisses. sorry, herman. looks likei missed another block. but the team won, hagan.that's all that matters. i think i could fixthat boot, herman.
i've also beenworking on some upgrades. how about we figure outwhat we have first? [officer] secure the area! great. can we get a statement?are these men under arrest? no, of course not.i know, to many of you, they didn't seem likethe heroes you expected, but i personally hand-pickedeach member of the lazer team. i couldn't beprouder of them.
that's bullshit. [emory] make no mistake. we may have won the battle, but the war is far from over. starting today, we're takingthe fight to them. i have asked the presidentto immediately greenlight project pegasus. oh, queen's beaver! ladies and gentlemen,
lazer teamis going to space. [techno music playing] ♪ champion was chosen for the battle ♪ ♪ he was to prepare with the suit of power ♪ ♪ but like a snake without a rattle ♪ ♪ we were impaired but we would not cower ♪ ♪ they thought they'd slaughter us like cattle ♪ ♪ they weren't prepared for our finest hour ♪ ♪ they weren't prepared for the lazer team ♪
♪ it's not a dream ♪ ♪ the most important battle that the planet's seen ♪ ♪ it's the lazer team more than they seem ♪ ♪ not just to form an alien kicking ass machine ♪ ♪ i don't think anyone expected them to save the day for you and me ♪ ♪ i don't think anyone expected them to spell lazer with a "z" ♪ ♪ it's the lazer team it's not a dream ♪ [rock music playing] ♪ the aliens came and they said to me ♪
♪ you're gonna kick ass in this galaxy ♪ ♪ they gave me the tools that i need to win ♪ ♪ so listen to my song and let the tale begin ♪ ♪ arrange a battle we'll be heading your way ♪ ♪ it's on you to save your planet's what the aliens say ♪ ♪ they gave me the suit and then returned to the sky ♪ ♪ and said you really gotta win or everyone's gonna die ♪ ♪ i got one job to do ♪ ♪ save the world save the world ♪
♪ and i'll be so cool ♪ ♪ and i will get the girl and bask in fame ♪ ♪ and everyone will know the name ♪ ♪ lazer team ♪ ♪ i'm gonna drop your punk ass with a laser beam ♪ ♪ let it stream ♪ ♪ no hero, i agree, but i'm here to save you now ♪ ♪ safety helmets are for kids on bikes ♪ ♪ being brainy's cool but i'm the one that brings 'em the likes ♪
♪ yes, you can block and your boots can run ♪ ♪ but i'm the one who's gonna blow it up 'cause i got the gun ♪ ♪ and i know that there's no "i" in team ♪ ♪ but the "z" in lazer must be me ♪ ♪ tonight, before the morning light shines ♪ ♪ tonight oh, tonight ♪ ♪ i'll beat the worg and save your life ♪ ♪ and it's not that i don't want to bang you ♪ ♪ i absolutely do ♪
♪ but i also like you ♪ ♪ i'm gonna try to be a stud that's true ♪ [orchestral score playing]
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