Februari 10, 2017
matt: hello everyone, and welcome to tonight'sepisode of critical role, where a bunch of us nerdy-ass voice actors sit around and playdungeons and dragons-- all: (cheering) matt: -- you assholes. marisha: der 'n' der! matt: welcome. tonight should be an interestingepisode, but, before we begin, let's go ahead and get through our announcements for the evening! so,welcome, and, first and foremost, tonight we are sponsored by our friends at loot crate. all: (cheering) loot crate!
matt: thank you, loot crate, for being amazingsponsors. sam, did you want to tell us a littleabout-- sam: okay! i haven't done this in a while,so i'm falling back on an old crutch, an old beloved character-- rhodey slater is back to do another round-- matt: (laughing) oh my god. sam: gotta get in character. (in surfer voice)yo-ho-ho, it's me, rhodey slater, with another message from our sponsor, loot crate. whetheryou're dropping in on a party wave in uluwatu or
even tamarindo, you won't look like a paddle-pussif you haul your tres gnarly gear from el crate-o del loot-o. this month's theme is build,featuring sick brands like power rangers, hang ten; batman, wax it up; lego, mondobitchin'; and tetris, shaka. (all laugh) sam: so don't get raked overby a wiper, point your nose to lootcrate.com/criticalrole and use promo code"criticalrole" for 10% off your subscription. you'll be radder than tom curren nailing a 360air reverse rodeo. you'll be cooler than a tight on-shore breeze at malibu. you'll be moreauthentic than a sad voice actor searching for surfing terms on yahoo answers at 5 pm--
sam: -- when he should be really spending morequality time with his children, as their youthful lives pass by without their father, preciousmoments ticking away until one day they're adults, and you're standing at their wedding, thinking,"oh my god, i missed so much, i missed so very much, and for what? a loot crate ad?" anyway, ride that tube and subscribe today, (shouting) bonzai! (all laugh and cheer) travis: i mean, he's a whole new echelon.it's a whole new-- taliesin: you just inception'd a loot crate ad.
matt: thank you for that! travis: incredible! matt: sam. marisha: you took, like, a failed californiansketch and turned it into oscar-winning material. matt: that is, thank you very much. laura: it hurts, it hurts. liam: i didn't know rhodey's, rhodey's a father,that's an interesting development. sam: yeah. matt: indeed.
sam: many. many. matt: just a heads-up, guys, we've done a coupleof these and we're going to do a couple more of these upcoming for honor streams, where a few ofus are going to be guesting on here for a number of hours to play for honor and beat the shit outof each other and other people, as various historical warriors of old. and then a number ofus are actually, i think, a voice in the game. travis: yeah! matt: but yeah. so tomorrow, joining the nerdistteam from 9 am to 12 noon pacific time, we have liam and travis-- travis: woo!
liam: tarvis! matt: --to jump in on there, and then, onsaturday, from 12 noon to 3 pm, that's going to be travis, taliesin, sam, marisha, and myself onthere-- marisha: hey-oh. matt:-- all playing the game, getting crazy. laura: woah. really? travis: yep. laura: why aren't i there? travis: 'cuz you suck.
laura: oh man. liam: he's right. laura: i know it! liam: he would know. he would know. matt: (laughs) so yeah, it'll be here on thetwitch, check it out, i'm really excited, i haven't played the game yet? and everyone iknow who's talked about has said it's ridiculously fun and amazing. it's like, the upgrade of darksouls combat and i'm really excited about it. travis: i have to, like, show up an hour early andlearn how to play, or we're going to get. we're going to get killed a lot.
marisha: yeah, i'm probably going to. travis: we've got to work on our death sounds. liam: what, i'm leet, man, you're going down,and stuff. travis: (belches) laura: leet! matt: (accented voice) going down. travis: no. no. you... are the one falling,in the opposite direction of up. liam: (in christopher walken voice) it's importantto point out, we're not doing walken anymore-- liam: --we're doing our impression of troy,doing an impression of nolan doing walken.
matt: oh, wow. travis: it's a quad lay-up. matt: the chain goes deep. laura: yeah, it does. travis: (walken voice) quad. lay-up. laura: woah. just woah. (laughs) liam: i don't even know what walken sounds like,it's come through a daisy-chain of assholes. matt: it's true, it's true. that's our next shirt."daisy chain of assholes." i'm okay with that. travis: critical role: it's about scientology--
matt: also, don't google that phrase! travis: -- and a daisy chain of assholes. matt: all right! next up, we have (quieter) me,breaking my pen. uh-- laura: oh, no. matt: april 1st! travis: april 1st! matt: wondercon! travis: wondercon! matt: save the date. we have--
sam: we're allowed to say the date now? matt: we do now. that's all the information wehave so far, but april 1st, wondercon. critical role and talks machina live, in their-- laura: be there or be squared! matt: -- big room, it's gonna be good. travis: anaheim. marisha: big room, did i say square? sam: it is not an epic april fools' joke-- matt: no.
sam: -- this is really happening. travis: it's really happening. taliesin: it's really happening. sam: okay. travis: and it's going to be a big, big,rowdy room. so if you're like, "aw, i don't want to go, there's not going to be any seats." there gon' be seats. matt: there's plenty of seats. liam: yeah, it's-- travis: bring it, if you can.
liam: --it's april fools', we're not going to bethere. travis: i can say that. sam: you know what? liam: we're not going to do that. sam: i will promise that i will play at least oneapril fools' joke on one of you, during that panel. laura: ooh. taliesin: i'm excited by this. laura: can i vote for brian?
liam: i'm not. sam: sure, of course. taliesin: i think that's a great idea. travis: he's not listening to this right now. matt: we should have a poll in the community forwhich member of the team sam gets to prank. matt: don't actually do that, please. 'cause weall know that's going to be-- taliesin: i'm a big fan of brian, i have a feelingthat's a good bet. matt: also! marisha: man, we're being so transparent.
matt: isn't it, though? all right! next up-- liam: wow. matt: signal boost has returned. marisha,if you want to talk about that. marisha: it has returned-- travis: oh, snap! marisha: oh, my goodness, you guys! the amazingdarin de paul, already. he kicked off the season. travis: ddp! liam: so good. taliesin: it was crazy.
marisha: yes. yeah, he kind of set the bar reallyhigh. matt: he's awesome. marisha: you guys know darin as the voice ofreinhardt from overwatch, and many other things. but-- matt: he's also the main villain, ardyn,in final fantasy xv and a bunch of other games. super talented-- laura: he's blowing up! he's in everything now! matt: he's incredible. marisha: he's great.
sam: i don't care for him. (all laugh) travis: i think he's rude. and he smells funny. matt: there you go. sam: he didn't want to come on my show, siggleboost. marisha: (laughs) travis: siggle boost? sam: siggle boost. marisha: wow, i haven't heard of that one.
taliesin: do you guys just like draw weirdcircles? sam: yup. yeah. taliesin: right, okay. i was just checking. matt: and people correct you for mispronouncingit. laura: it's called sigil boost. marisha: sigil boost. sam: that's true, that's true. liam: let's run the gif (hard g) of that now,please. taliesin: it's pronounced siggle.
marisha: yes, it's back. you should watch it. yup. taliesin: yeah. marisha: people. matt: yeah, erika ishii just did hers-- marisha: on tuesdays. matt: --and then amy dallen's up next, right? marisha: amy dallen is up next and-- matt: awesome. marisha: yeah. it's good people coming up.
taliesin: yeah, you drain erika ishii's blood.it's pretty great. marisha: yes. we do. yeah. liam: yeah, but you can only do it once, though. marisha: yeah. taliesin: it's a great trick. you can only do itonce. matt: laura, do you have a merch update? laura: do i? do i? do- travis: do i? matt: it's on the list.
laura: we watched galaxy quest last night. travis: so great. laura: so good. again. for, like, the hundredthtime. you know, i mean, there's merch in the store right now. these dice bags that i'm holding in myhand. i literally just happened to be holding it as you asked me that, which is crazy. there's avery small amount of them left, i happen to know. sam: in the hundreds? in the fifties? in thetens? taliesin: baker's dozen. laura: in the barely hundreds. sam: wow.
travis: it's a lot. marisha: they went fast. laura: which, you know, could be a lot orcouldn't. depending on if you want them. laura: there's also shirts! and hats! and patchesand-- matt: (singing) things, oh god! laura: -- other stuff coming up that i'm realexcited about, and i'll show it to you when it's here. matt: (clicking dice) such a beautiful sound. travis: (sniffing) allergies. (groans)
taliesin: you watched galaxy quest. laura: yeah. travis: you don't need that-- he can have thatmany. you have too many. taliesin: you know they have the dubbed version ofthe alien language on the dvd? laura: no! taliesin: (alien noises) the whole movie,the entire movie-- you can watch it, if you're drunk enough. laura: it's just so good. matt: that's pretty great. all right!
liam: i'm ready. matt: anything else anyone wants to talk about? orare we good? i think we're good. travis: we're good. matt: so we're going to hop in, and start offtonight's episode of-- laura: oh god. matt: critical role. (all cheer) marisha: that's right. [opening credits]
matt: hello everyone, and welcome back. travis: well done. matt: so, to get you up to speed with our currentstory: vox machina, having just completed the destruction of the chroma conclave, a scourge ofancient chromatic dragons that have terrorized the countryside. they are victorious, yet in theprocess lost a couple of lives. percy returned and scanlan, his lifeless body brought back towhitestone. they completed the ritual correctly, and he came to life; however, he remainsunconscious in a pseudo-coma. they left him in whitestone, hopefully to recover. while beginningto finish up some of their last business they've been unable to with the current rush of thiscurrent arc. they made a journey to vasselheim,
where they walked through the abundant terraceand into the birthheart itself, the temple of melora within vasselheim, spoke with one of thevarious worshippers there, and buried a box of ashes, apparently, of senokir's wife-- marisha: "apparently" matt: --as a thank you for when you guys journeyedand met him in the city of brass on the fire elemental plane. upon doing so, you then began toscatter about the city to do some business. one of the elements of which: grog strongjaw,along with pike, made their way to the trial forge, which is the kord section of the city.returning to the trial forge, the temple to kord, and upon walking to the center of the strangelyempty temple structure, you saw, down in a once
previously traversed sandpit, there stoodearthbreaker groon, the high priest of kord, who then turned to you-- travis: my palms are really wet. laura: (laughs) matt: --and asked you to "show him what you hadlearned." after slamming his feet into the sand and preparing himself for conflict, he beckons youtowards him. and that is where we left off. so-- laura: oh god, oh god, oh god. matt: --as you're standing up there on the edge ofthis pit, groon just stands there with his hand beckoning towards you.
travis: i reach into my bag of holding, and i pullout a small drawing of the letter "g". this. this is what i have learn-- that's not it. that's not what i wanted. and i take outthe dwarven thrower and i jump into the sandpit. matt: all righty. (jumping sound) (impact thud)there, as you land in the sand, the bottoms of your boots sinking but a couple of inches into thesoft surface. pike gets ready to leap down after and groon puts his hand up. "no...." travis: oh, shit. matt: this fight is for us. laura: oh, god.
laura: yeah, we're here, we're watching it,right? matt: you guys didn't say if you were catching upwith them last time. laura: yeah, we said we came in the temple withthem. marisha: uh, no, we're totally watching this. taliesin: we're here, we're here. matt: so then you guys rush in afterward,hoping that-- morpheus is fighting neo, you guys-- matt: you all rush in on the outskirts here towatch. i'll put you in over here to keep an eye on the sidelines. grog, i need you to rollinitiative.
laura: oh my god! travis: (blows raspberry) sam: big roll, big roll. marisha: big roll! big money, no whammies. liam: now we attack on the count of three. travis: i get advantage on my (mumbles) taliesin: jenga. liam: get 'im. travis: that's shit.
laura: god, oh god. marisha: come on, come on. travis: that-- that's one worse. travis: five! liam: oh! matt: you're going second. travis: hey! you can go away. laura: (laughs) you're in jail. marisha: you know, second has its advantagessometimes.
matt: (clears throat) so. marisha: sometimes. travis: mm-hm. matt: as you land and ready yourself with thehammer at the side, knowing that all of your friends are up on the outer edges of this watchingyou, you look up at groon, who just, his hands at the ready, puts them down at his sides andjust.... (slow steps) travis: awesome. matt: just walks up towards you... and just standsthere. your turn. sam: like a matador.
travis: what a dick move! what a dick move! right.(clears throat) i, uh. i bow. sam: oh! travis: and say... kord's strength be with you.and i smash the titanstone knuckles together. matt: all righty! (laughs) off to a start. sam: (sound of impact) laura: (whispers) oh my god. i wish we had popcorn! marisha: oh, yeah. isthere popcorn in the studio? denise: (off screen) no.
laura and marisha: damn it! marisha: damn it, denise. taliesin and laura: (laugh) denise: (off screen) sorry! marisha: always the bearer of bad news, that one. matt: all right. taliesin: don't say her name three times,then your rolls won't come true. travis: i would like to move backwards threesquares. matt: okay.
travis: that's my turn. matt: all right. on his turn he stands there. laura: ahh! matt: he stares right at you. travis: fucking knew it! matt: arms at the side-- travis: what is-- it's a test already! marisha: waiting for you to go first? travis: i hate the sats! i hate scantrons,i hate number two pencils, i hate all of it!
liam: don't blink, don't blink. roll with it,player. travis: mm-hm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm. marisha: it's totally-- travis: i start in that same distance from him,the same radial distance, i start walking to my right. my full speed. matt: he turns with you as you move and justrights himself and stares at you. your turn. sam: worst chess game ever. laura: i know, right? liam: smash cut to two hours later.
matt: i know. travis: all right. okay. sam: "what do you want me to do!" laura: "are you hungry? i'm kind of hungry." travis: i would like to rage. matt: okay. (woosh) so-- travis: and i do so by taking the...dwarventhrower and smashing it against my chest. and then i chuck it at him. matt: all right. as you slam it into your chest,you can feel the impact, and there's that brief
sharp bit of pain as the metal clashes against themuscle, slamming against the bone and your rib cage. and that pain just kind of shoots throughyou like exciting electricity and you harness the pain as your eyes blur for a moment as you feelthe rage overtake you, your muscles flexing and tensing and with that fury now flowing throughyour body, you take the hammer. i need you to go ahead and make a wisdom saving throw. sam: oh no. laura: oh shit. travis: (whispers) i knew it. (louder) i mean,i didn't know it. travis: which is a minus two, right?
matt: yes. travis: that's a six. matt: as you go to throw, the strength leaves yourarm and it just hangs limp at the side. the attack is lost. travis: any reason why? matt: you don't know. travis: not that i'd know. cool. do i have anotherattack? matt: yeah. you have two attacks. marisha: he just jedi mind-tricked you.
travis: i shake off the random numb arm,and i toss it over to the other hand like, "c'mon, betsy!" and i throw it with that hand. matt: okay. roll another wisdom saving throw. travis: i don't know d&d enough to know what thefuck's happening right now. ooh! 16? matt: uh, 16, actually let me see this real fast. travis: i have a modifier of zero. minus two. laura: minus two. travis: i rolled an 18. taliesin: monks are not in my wheelhouse.
matt: monks are fun. marisha: i feel like this guy's special, too. travis: he's not even here. this is a dream. liam: slowly, raishan uncurls like a xenomorphfrom the ceiling. matt: what'd you roll? travis: 16. matt: nope. this time, you do manage to pushthrough and throw the hammer, but you end up throwing it way wide. like, 20 feet away from him.like, you're looking at him and just go (whoosh) matt: it comes back, and you catch it, and you'relike, something's just messing with your mind.
there's something about his presence right nowthat is oppressing your ability to actually attacktowards him. travis: all right. all i have is my bonus action. matt: well, you used your bonus action to rage,right? travis: oh i did, yeah. i don't have a bonusaction. that's my turn. matt: all right. he turns towards you. walksforward-- travis: no, i don't. matt: --very, just, carefully and intently.that's his turn. you go. travis: god dang it!
laura: oh man. what does he want-a! taliesin: (whispering) popcorn. laura: (whispering) he wants popcorn. taliesin: â (whispering) he wants popcorn. travis: i try and hit him with it with bothhands. matt: okay, so you you're using both hands-- travis: yeah, both hands. matt: go for it. roll a wisdom saving throw. (laughter)
liam: look at his little boy smile. travis: six! matt: you go to swing and he seems to blur for amoment, your eyes blink and as you swing with the hammer, you swung far to your left and it's almostlike your arms are intentionally missing and almost fighting your directoral sense. laura: shut up, brian wayne foster! marisha: awesome! brian fostah. travis: this is so stupid! okay, i keep the hammerin one hand but i just try and punch him with the titanstone knuckles out of frustration.
matt: okay. make a wisdom saving throw. travis: what? no weapon in my hand? matt: mm-hm. travis: nine! matt: you go to punch and by the time it gets tohis chest there's so little force behind it that your fingers just kind of unfold open against him,almost breaking your wrist in the process, and you pull back, and he's just staring right atyou. "show me you have the will to fight. come at me!" are you going to move or are you going to stay where you are? travis: i'm going to stay within his attack range,but i'm going to 180 around him.
matt: okay. that's easy enough to get around here.all righty. travis: and i'll stay there. matt: all right. for his turn, he turns around-- travis: no he doesn't. come on. come on. matt: your turn. travis: oh, this is a nightmare. i just want tohit him! travis: all right. all right. maybe it's allabout love! and i try and give him a bear hug! matt: okay... make a wisdom savingthrow.
travis: no! laura: you got this. natural 20. travis: that's a zero. travis: i rolled a two. laura: two zero, exactly. matt: you go to grab him, and youreach, and you feel this physical form in your grasp, and then your arms all of a sudden touchnothing, and you realize that he's standing where he was. you grabbed what was almost like a mirageor an illusion, it's almost like your brain is
playing tricks on you. that's one attack. travis: (surprised grunt) laura: you can do it, grog! i don't know what he wants, but figure it out! travis: i look so pathetic right now. sam: yo, how does it look to the rest of thegang? matt: it looks hilarious. liam: what did we just see? matt: it'shilarious, and it's disconcerting, because you're watching as grog, in the middle of his rage,most of his attacks are amateur, far too wide
away from the target, or by the time they getclose, he is holding himself back. and you don't know why. something is messing with his will andpreventing him from being able to follow through with his attacks. travis: okay. (sighs) matt: second attack? travis: second attack. i just want to touch himwith my finger. just, like, a boop. matt: okay. you reach out and yourfinger touches his chest (cracking sound),and you feel-- travis: he's real?! he's there?!
matt: he's real. the skin's there. travis: thought you might be a dragon.wisdom saving throw? matt: that wasn't anattack. travis: oh! i touched him! matt: you touched him. laura: great job, grog! marisha: we believe in you, grog! liam: okay, now ramp it up! matt: he smiles at you and goes,"and with gentleness there comes clarity."
travis: (heavy breathing) sam: i thinkyou're going to have to fuck him, grog. matt: and that's your turn? sam: (quietly) what? with gentleness there comes--? matt: "withgentleness there comes clarity." and he smiles through his big, white-grey beard. and then thesmile fades, his eyes flash, and he is going to attack you with a flurry of blows. laura: oh no. travis: wait, i haven't learned the lesson yet. i'm still--
matt: the lesson's just begun. travis: oh no. matt: all right, that is-- ooh.33 to hit. travis: (squeaky voice) mmm, yep. matt: that is a 24 to hit. travis: (squeaky voice) yep. matt: that is a natural one. so that is a failure. and it's a 32 to hit,so he hits you three times. laura: jeez louise.
matt: so you're raging, so you take half damagefrom these, because they're bludgeoning, since he's punching you. travis: mmhmm. matt: his eyes flash, he rushes up and pummels you once in the chin, elbows you in the sternum,goes and grabs your shoulder and leaps over behind you and then kicks straight back into themiddle of your shoulder blades and (pained gasp) you feel the breath almost get kicked out of you. that is 15 bludgeoning damage, halved to-- travis: seven?
matt: we'll say eight. travis: eight? yeah. matt: that is nine, reduced to five,and that is 13 reduced to seven. there you go. travis: oh shit, that's 20 points of damage.cool. matt: that's his turn. you'reup. travis: uh, yeah. sweet, sweet anus. marisha: that's a really good britishcandy. travis: what do monks do? can i, like,use my magic powers? and i want to keep my eyes closed, and i'm gonna swing around behind me,knowing that i just got kicked in the back there.
matt: okay, go ahead and make an attack withdisadvantage. travis: oh! no wisdom savingthrow? matt: nope. laura: with gentleness comes clarity. you touched him, maybe if you'd've shakenhis hand. travis: with disadvantage? matt: with disadvantage, because you have youreyes closed. travis: uh, 23. matt: that just barely hits.
(all gasp) matt: go ahead and rolldamage. travis: (mumbling) okay, with a ten. sam: so what did we learn from that? travis: ishould've done it reckless. no, i don't want him rolling reckless, holy shit! god, i'll die in asecond. marisha: his ac's 23. sam: no, that-- close your eyes-- or, howdoes this... what? liam: it might be touch.
sam: i'm so confused. liam: you're unconscious. taliesin: you've got the touch. travis: that's 18 points of damage. matt: 18 points of damage, gotcha.that's your first strike (hitting sound). you feel the weapon behind you make contact witha form, and (cracking noise), you see a little bit of sand out of your peripheral this side go(scattering sound) as his form gets pushed about a foot, kind of setting some of it off. travis: soit goes (low hitting sound). i close my eyes
again. i swing around the other way, and i try toconnect. matt: okay, roll again with disadvantage. travis: that's not bad. 14 and 20,uh... 29. matt: that hits, yes. travis: yes, okay. damn, same thing, so18 points of damage. matt: 18 points of damage. all righty. as he takes both impacts, kind of parrying themwith his forearms with each impact. they're still hitting him, and he's still taking the brunt ofthe attack and the pain, but with each hit you can feel the force of his forearm is almost stoppingstill the hammer blow as you're throwing it behind
you, and you can see him gritting teeth with eachimpact, but he's just staring right at you again as you kind of spin around, open your eye again tosee what you did. he kind of gives you a bit of anarrowed glare-- travis: stink eye? matt: little bit of a stink eye. travis: fuck. matt: but like an intentional kind of connectingpoint and just says-- travis: pink eye? matt: no, that's a whole different--that's a different monk path.
laura: like that little hobbit. travis: be nice. matt: let's seehere. travis: i'm a student here. laura: what's the lesson? what's the lesson?! matt: okay,he's going to go ahead and attack you twice. (punch sound) two punches, straight to your backof your shoulders and neck as you're turning around to look at him. that is a 17, misses.no, that does hit. travis: that hits, yeah, it's my ac.
matt: and a 23. travis: yeah. matt: so both hit you. that is... 16, so eight damage. travis: okay. matt: and that is ten, so five damage. matt: and he's going to spend three ki. travis: three ki?! matt: yeah, three ki points. so, the first punch hits you across the chin. the second one, he slams his fingers,curled up, right into your sternum as you turn
around to face him (whack), and as it hits you,you feel these kind of vibrations, ripples, carry through your body, and then slowly fadeinside. and you feel this tingling, this very faint, brief numbness that just kind of lingersthroughout your body. you can feel it gathering at the edge of fingertips and toes, almost likeripples through a lake, and he steps away. you get to make an attack of opportunity if you'dlike. travis: (strained) i would. matt: don't forget, you can use your reaction toget an attack back because of your retaliation ability. travis: yeah, i've totally forgotten that,i'm just totally stunned at this point.
that's good, that's 32. matt: 32 hits.go ahead and roll damage. travis: (sing-songy noises) that's a ten. liam: allthese sounds are in game, in character. travis: so 20, 25. laura and liam: (gibberish) marisha: (laughs) when grog becomes popeye. matt: all righty, and he just stands across the way,and just kind of beckons you towards him. your turn.
travis: and i feel all shake-weightyat the moment, right? matt: yeah. you're not quite sure. you don't feel bad, it's just thiskind of uneasiness in your body. travis: can i take a step towards him? matt: mm-hm, take astep forward. travis: does anything happen? do ishit my pants? matt: not yet. travis: can i take the other four steps of the five step exploding heart point techniquething?
matt: seems fine. travis: cool. marisha: what would you have done if you shatyour pants on that fifth step? laura: oh my god,that would have been amazing. travis: justexplosive shat. i'd be, like, kill me now. kill me now, take it away. marisha: just lostyour bowels. matt: (laughs) i'd have to bringout the cone template for that. marisha: like avery dedicated marathon runner.
laura: (laughs) area of effect? travis: can i close the rest ofthe distance to him? matt: sure. travis: i want to try the bear hug again.i want to grapple him. matt: okay. so, go ahead. and i think it's yourathletics versus his-- travis: so i can touch himnow. matt: (mumbling) acrobatics, i'm prettysure. travis: the wisdom saving throw wassomething in the beginning. laura: yeah, i think it was,
you have to shake his hand or dosomething, like, gentle to him. liam: i like the idea that it's silent in here andwe're just hearing sand get kicked around and grog breathing like a bull. laura: i like to think that earthbreakergroon has, like, mood music for his fights. marisha: agreed, yeah. travis: there'sfrustrated grunts happening. laura: he's got a sound system. matt: so, make an athletics check. marisha: like war drums, yeah.
taliesin: like taiko. (low drum sounds) laura: ooh! that'd be sick. marisha: (joins in on the drum sounds)totally. travis: 24. plus 16 pluseight. matt: yeah, okay, so you go to grab him and hejust (fwish) slips out. travis: damn. myathletics versus his? judo? matt: he just kind of like parries it to the side, ducks under andrights himself, just out of your grasp. travis: cool, that was nice. do i have a secondattack?
matt: yeah. travis: two-handed great weapon master, please. matt: okay, go for it. travis: that's not going to hit. 24. matt: 24 hits. travis: oh, it does? travis: oh, 23, that's right. liam: 23 was the threshold. travis: thank you, god. no it doesn't, 24 minusfive.
matt: oh, minus five. so, as you go to swing,both of your hands on the hammer, (grunts) giant downward arc. as it slams downward, you see hisform (whoosh) shift, and suddenly he's two feet to the right. he moved so fast with the side step,and you slam it down into the sand. you guys watch as this crater emerges (boom), and the sandshoots off the sides from the impact of grog's blow on the ground. groon seemingly unaffected. travis: that ends my-- matt: you're not frenzied yet, right? travis: nope. that ends my turn. yep. matt: okay. at the end of your turn, he's going togo ahead and make an unarmed attack on you.
travis: unarmed attack? matt: that's just his punch as a part of hislegendary action here. that is a 27 to hit. travis: oh, that hits. matt: you suffer another ten points of bludgeoningdamage, reduced to five. matt: now it's groon's turn. taliesin: two lair actions. matt: he's gonna go ahead and make another seriesof attacks on you. that is an 18? travis: yeah, that hits. matt: 17.
travis: hits, also. matt: all right. so that is nine plus eight.that'd be 17. so, say nine points of bludgeoning. travis: nine? matt: and then--ooh! 18. so another nine points ofbludgeoning damage. i need you to go ahead and make a constitution saving throw. travis: damn, gina. liam: nice pull. sam: i don't get it.
travis: 21. matt: 21, okay. as his first hit is a long roundhaymaker punch across the chin, he comes from underneath and goes for an uppercut that hits youright in the jaw. right at the side where usually it would snap and really mess with somebody'sability to stay either conscious or control their atmosphere. you just manage to maneuver out of theway where it hurts, but the impact doesn't hit its intended place, and you resist the effect. travis: what was the effect? travis: god damn it. sam: diarrhea.
laura: instant knockout. travis: i'll shit my pants before this fight isover with. laura: the button. travis: on the button? laura: it's the button. travis: it's the brown note. matt: it's your turn. travis: my turn. i am so tired of this slipperyshit. i go into a frenzied rage! (unenthused cheering)
travis: yeah, thank you. i would like to greatweapon master try to hit him with the dwarven thrower. matt: go for it. travis: not reckless. no. (crying) i don't know what the lessonis. 32 minus five is 37. matt: 27? travis: 27! matt: that hits. travis: yeah. 32 minus five is 37! 35.
matt: okay. this one cracks him right across theside of his shoulder and pec area (wham), and you watch as for the first time since thisbattle started, he loses his footing, and he has to catch himself behind. his head looks back andhe turns around towards you and a big smile goes across his face as he goes, "good. keep showingme." travis: i was encouraged until he got creepy withthe talking. laura: maybe he just likes getting hit. travis: all right, i hit him again! travis: that's gonna hit. that's a 31 minus fiveis 26. matt: yeah, go ahead and roll damage.
travis: 22... 32. matt: 32. nice. laura: he's got like 5,000 hit points. more thanlast time. travis: last one. reckless. laura: (gasps) travis: what's life without a little spice? marisha: ask him. travis: 18, not quite. 34 minus--29. matt: that hits, yeah.
travis: yeah. close to what i wanted. this is 33. matt: okay, cool. all right, so, as you unleashyour next series of blows against him, you saw him topple from the first hit. the other two,he pulls his arms in and takes them, one to the shoulder, and the other one hits him in thestomach (air getting knocked out) and he grabs your arm, and pushes off. jumps in the air andlands about five feet from you. travis: is he bruised? is there a slap mark? imean, is there any blood? anything to tell me that i might be doing a good job? matt: he looks, more so than the previous fight thatyou had with him, it looks like he's starting to take some hits.
travis: good! yeah. matt: he's gonna use legendary action to take ahit on you. liam: a legendary action? matt: that is a 30. travis: (squeaks) hits. matt: actually it's with advantage because-- matt: so that is another nine points ofbludgeoning damage. travis: sweet. matt: not halved. that is what it is halved.
travis: okay. because it's legendary-- matt: because it would be 18, yeah. travis: right. matt: okay. his turn. he slowly walks around you.and says, "your size is useful for those who know not how to use it against you." and he rushesdown, beneath your large standing form, and goes into a series of strikes against the inside ofyour knees and your legs and we'll see how the last blow hits. travis: i've been forgetting to roll my enlargeddamage. matt: that's a 30 on the first hit.
matt: that is a 21 on the second hit. travis: (high pitched) yeah, sure. matt: that is a 29 on the third hit. travis: (laughs) how many hits are there?! laura: four. matt: and natural 20 on the fourth. liam: natural 20 to the gooch. laura: to the chode hit?! travis: wow, had to reckless, huh?
travis: vegas is a short trip this time. matt: so that is 18 reduced to half; that's nine. matt: 14 reduced in half is seven. matt: that is a nine reduced in half is five. matt: and final strike is a 20. reduced in half,that is ten. travis: can i use my stone's endurance on thatlast one? matt: sure! go for it. travis: all right. laura: nice.
travis: that's 12. plus my constitution,which is five, so 17. matt: and i would like you to make anotherconstitution save. travis: shit! so do i add 17 hit points back? matt: no, you reduce the attack, which was 10damage? travis: yeah, so just wipe it out? matt: yeah, it does none. travis: okay, cool. i'm getting down there. laura: really? sam: he's down to triple digits now.
travis: constitution saving throw. 18. matt: 18. travis: ten plus ten minus two is 18. matt: okay. you feel from that impact, all of yourmuscles seize up. he goes for the same strike zone on the other side of the chin and hits and youkind of (groans) as you pull back. and then, feel all of a sudden this pulse (throbbingsound). the pulse (louder throbbing sound) and all your muscles tense up. you're stunned until theend of your next turn. travis: shit! (laughs) laura: what does being stunned do? you can'tmove?
matt: can't move, can't do anything, you'reconsidered incapacitated. travis: he vulcan pinched my ass. liam: groon's in vegas and your ass just came uppineapples. liam & travis: (slot machine ringing) laura: i'm gonna pull an arrow out and just standthere and get ready in case groon does anything. matt: okay. groon is thinking to go ahead and stepback to there. travis: what? matt: which would be there. laura: he's waiting for you to become unstunned.
matt: and as he darts back, you guys watch as heruns to the back. as he does, his feet barely touch the sand (fast, light footsteps). you seethese very faint little plumes behind each footstep, as this giant man has almost no weightacross the ground-- travis: like a jackrabbit. matt:--as he runs with such speed. and as he landsand finds his footing (loud boom), the weight seems to kick in once more, and you watch as thesand (scattering sound) shoots out behind him. he stands his ground and crosses his arms,and just watches. so grog, it's your turn. you're stunned. you end your turn, you're nolonger stunned. it's now back to him. travis: (whispers) fuck.
matt: he puts his hand up. puts it up towardsyou. sam: oh, no. matt: closes his fingers travis: oh, no, i've seen this before. matt: and you feel this (pulse) in your chest,right in the sternum right where he hit you earlier. i need you to go ahead and roll aconstitution saving throw again. travis: 23 minus two, 21? sam: ooh? matt: 21!
sam: ooh! travis: constitution i have a lot of. for mysaving throws. matt: that (pulse) sound ripples out (rapidimpacts) and you feel the muscles begin to tear, the ligaments begin to burn from the inside.you manage to, through the sheer force of physical constitution, shrug off what would'vebeen immensely more deadly circumstance, but you still do take 10d10 necrotic damage. (everyone groans) sam: it would've been 20d10? matt: no, you would've dropped to zero hit points.
travis: is that the palm thing? marisha: quivering palm? matt: it's the quivering palm. he's not holdingback this time. laura: oh no! travis: oh, i mean, don't make any specialexceptions on my part. fuck. liam: vax is watching; he just leaked a littlebit. laura: gross! matt: 18... 26. sam: (whispers) quivering palm...
laura: no one will ever notice, the armor alreadystinks. matt: take 51 points of necrotic damage. travis: 52? matt: 51 points of necrotic damage. travis: 51. okay. laura: how much damage? travis: i'm out of the triple digits guys. sam: oh, man. laura: does grog look all bloody yet, or is he--
matt: you guys watch as grog is standing there,his body shakes and shimmers, and you watch various veins that usually bulge in his rage andenhance blood flow of his combat just (bursts and splatters) bursts in places. and blood just seemsto spray out of him from multiple positions on his body. â and you see the blood now leaking all overhim. he's just covered in his own crimson. he slowly turns around, prepares himself for thenext round of combat. liam: that is some north star shit. marisha: oh, my god. taliesin: nice. travis: yeah. yeah. okay. (exhales) good deal.tight. wow, distance doesn't help. okay.
laura: can you talk to him? (louder) can you talkto him? travis: i just look up, covered like carrie,in the movie. just dripping with fake blood. laura: never mind! you're doing great, grog! keepgoing. (whispers) he looks like shit. marisha: (whispers) he does. sam: sometimes music calms the savage beast.you could sing to him. travis: i would try intimidating presence,but he'll just shrug it off because he's amazing. liam: it's fine, it looks like he's going torally. here it comes. travis: i just take off straight for him. matt: okay, you turn around--(counting) you justget into melee with him.
travis: cool. awesome. i am going to take allthree attacks at great weapon master at him. not reckless. matt: okay! go and make your attacks atdisadvantage. laura and travis: why?! travis: because i'm covered in blood? matt: no. because he used his patient defense. sam: patient defense. matt: essentially with each blow that you-- laura: oh, that's fun.
matt:--swing towards him, he's just preparedhimself from a defensive position, to prepare himself. and he's using your own momentum againstyou to sway every attack away from him. so make all of your attacks at disadvantage. travis: so that's pretty smart. i threw thatliterally into the holder and it was on an edge. shit. that's a natural 20 that's going to bereplaced by a not as great (inhales sharply). 23 minus five. so, it'll be a dud. matt: nope. so the first blow swings wide.he grabs the actual side of the hammer with both hands and just (whooshes) throws it off to theside. travis: okay, okay. 31 minus five. 26.
sam: ooh. matt: 26. he attempts to parry this one, however,your sheer force of strength manages to push past his grasp, and you bring the hammer down towardshis clavicle. go ahead and roll damage. travis: (exhales) oh, thank god. (high pitched) ilike it when i hit them. (normal voice) that's 28 plus enlarge. which i've been forgetting. 20. matt: 20! laura: 18 and 10? because of your-- travis: 18 plus 10 for great weapon master. 28.30. laura: 30? you said 20.
travis: i said 20 i meant 30. laura: it's 30. matt: you mean 30. travis: my apologies. he is hitting me really,really hard. laura: yeah. and your brain is already so little. travis: it's actually large, it just doesn't domuch. matt: and if you're using your bonus action,you can get one more strike in. travis: i would like to. at disadvantage. travis: that's a one.
matt: nope. so, the second one does hit theclavicle, and it cracks and he (grunts). you see a little bit of blood spill out thecorner of his mouth down his chin. and he looks up at you, and for a second there, the whites of hiseyes seem to almost dim ever so slightly into a moment of humanity you haven't seen in him yet.he's been this godlike entity and this is the first point where you see that pain show just ahint of any sort of weakening. and he kinda looks right up into you. "good. good." and as you go foryour third strike he literally puts up his hand and (heavy impact) catches the hammer in place. travis: oh, god, it's so awesome! matt: he just holds it there as he stares at you.
travis: (groans) yeah, i'm checking reflexes. matt: good. travis: i want you to know i'm not afraid to godown. matt: that is the first lesson. let's see if yourwords can be put into practice. travis: oh shit. marisha: good night! laura: no! no! marisha: we'll see you in the morning, sleep wellfriends. travis: i hope you get a popcorn kernel in yourteeth.
matt: he is going to, let's see... liam: go cobra kai on your ass. taliesin: cobra kai. travis: sweep the leg, johnny! taliesin: never dies. liam: put him in a bodybag! matt: yeah, he's going to go into a flurry ofblows against you. that's a natural 20. travis: (groans) matt: that is a 18?
matt: that is a 26. travis: okay, all hit! matt: yeah, those all hit, okay. so the first oneis 18, reduced to half, is nine. travis: nine, okay. matt: that is a nine, reduced to half, five. matt: that is a 12 reduced to six. matt: and that is a 13 reduced to seven. travis: sweet. real excited. matt: and he's just going to go ahead and rotatearound you to the opposite side. as he turns
around (punch sounds), hitting you as he goes witheach hit. travis: (grunts, spurting blood noise) matt: i need you to go ahead and make a strengthsaving throw. you have advantage on these becauseyou're raging. travis: yeah, i know. but i still have minus twoto them. matt: this is true. laura: minus two? liam: it's going to knock the beard off yourface. travis: that's better. 23 minus two, 21.
matt: 21, okay, yeah. so, the last blow,as he comes round (punch noise), does a roundhouse kick and brings back and goes for ahuge double-fisted kind of earth-side punch intoyour torso. travis: not the double fist! matt: it's about to push you backward, but you digin your feet (grunts) and resist it and hold your place. laura: yeah! travis: look who's catching who now. matt: now it's your turn.
travis: he didn't have a quip back for me, okay.right. i would like to turn so i'm facing him. travis: i want to pick him up and try and bodyslamhim. matt: okay! go ahead and make an athletics check. travis: okay. 24. matt: no, that's a 30 acrobatics. (everyone gasps) matt: you go to grab, and he steps back with hisarms still crossed, leaps onto your hands as you reach out for him, and just jumps in the air,looks down at you before he comes landing right on top of your hands (bam), forcing your fistsinto the dirt.
what are you going to do for yournext attack? travis: i almost drop out of my rage because thatwas a real dick move, just dunking on me. laura: he's jumping and crossing his arms-- travis: he did the kill bill on my hands.i want to try one more time. matt: all right, roll again. travis: 20. matt: remember, you have advantage on thesebecause you're raging. travis: it doesn't matter. matt: okay, that's a 24 acrobatics. as you pullyour hands up out of the dirt reaching out for him
with these giant titanstone gauntlet-encrustedfingers (groans), and the sand burst goes upwards, you reach, and find nothing but sand. and as thesand fades, he uses his-- is this the end of your turn, because you still have a bonus action. travis: i still have a third one, yeah. matt: okay, so as the sand is still cascading,now you can see his shape through it, what are you doing with your third strike? travis: i just want to try and grab a hold of theslippery bastard. matt: okay, one more time. travis: yeah. strength, advantage or just naturalroll?
matt: advantage on your athletics. liam: god, it probably looks like he's running incircles to us. travis: 26. matt: he only rolled 24. matt: with the sand there, kind of coming downfrom the impact of you pulling your fists out, you reach out and finally they find purchase onthe sides of his arms. and doing so, you (boom) pull him in, and grasp him right to your chest.the hammer still clutched in your right hand, and you watch as he (grunts) gets pulled in now,and he is firmly in your grasp, he is currently grappled.
travis: cool. i don't say anything, i'm justreally stoked that i actually got him. (everyone laughs) travis: i'm like, take a picture! whatever thatis! laura: draw it! draw it! quick, percy! should iflash him? should i flash him? taliesin: it couldn't hurt. matt: you want to make this into a bodyslam? travis: could i? marisha couldn't hurt the rest of us, either! matt: i'll let you, sure. okay.
travis: i was thinking initially i'd like toremove one of his five hits that he takes on me, but, four, who gives a shit. matt: we'll say for the purposes of this,since your intent was to bodyslam him, go ahead and roll an attack with disadvantage. travis: okay, attack with disadvantage. that's notthat great. oh, regular attack! matt: it's without your weapon bonus. it's minus3. travis: yeah, 22. matt: 22. you grab him and you lift, and it's likehe's anchored to the ground. he's much smaller than you, and you can lift things far larger anddenser than him, but for some reason, he won't
budge an inch. he's just staring up at you,with his arms pressed to his sides. marisha: i want to learn that trick. travis: i've still got him grappled at least.that's it. laura: you have to be crouched down in order to begrappling him? marisha: it's like the possum trick. travis: let's just assume that i picked him up.i'm just holding him grappled. or am i squatting? matt: you're squatting down and grappling him. you went to lift him up but (grunts) he wouldn'tbudge.
travis: hugging santa's little helper. liam: he's friggin third hokage, man. he's notgoing anywhere. matt: as you're holding him, he closes his eyes. travis: he closes his eyes? matt: and you watch as this kind of warmorange-ish white energy begins to just emanate-- larua: (gasps) he's going super saiyan! matt: --from various parts in his body. just here,in the middle of the forehead a little glimmer opens here, a little glimmer in the shoulder-- marisha: he's over 9000!
matt: --his various chakra points begin to glow.and you watch as many of the bruises and bludgeons that you put upon his body, and cutsbegin to heal up. laura: shit. liam: i want to be at level 21. sam: that's 20 more levels. liam: four more years of this. matt: (laughs) and he can't move, he's currentlygrappled. all right, so that's his turn. you go ahead. travis: i still have him grappled?
matt: you still have him grappled. travis: i still want to try to get him to theground. i want to try and get him prone. can i try a leg wrap, so i'm gonna wrap my rightleg around his, and dive forward. trying to push him off-balance on to his back. matt: i'll say go ahead and make another athleticscheck. matt: 24, he got a 21. so we'll say for this,you go ahead, you'll be releasing the grapple, but you slam him on the ground and make himprone. so you manage to just (grunts) rip him off of whatever weird center of gravity he's forcedhimself into, lift him over your head, and just pile-drive him into the ground.
travis: great. matt: (boom) once again, you see sand and dustkick up, and then you see these two legs sticking up as you've basically planted him in the groundlike a carrot. and he is currently prone on theground, yes. travis: great! when he's prone, do i get advantageon attacks? matt: when he is prone, attack rolls against thecreature have advantage if you're within five feet, so yes you do. travis: great. great weapon master, dwarventhrower, and i say i want to know the answer to the lesson!
travis: 29 minus five, 24? matt: 24, that hits. liam: get him, big man! marisha: give him the chair! travis: 35. matt: 35. travis: plus the enlarge damage. matt: nice! okay, that's your second attack. travis: uh, 28 minus five, 23.
matt: 23 just hits. travis: 9, 24, 34, 38. matt: 38, oof! all righty. so as you're shoutingthis the first blow comes down (whack), you're not even seeing him or seeing the impact, all you'reseeing is sand and fury. the second and final blow, you bring up, and as you bring it down youfeel something (crack) crack underneath. and you watch as you pull the hammer up again,he pushes off, and he's gonna actually use it at the end of your turn-- are you going to move? travis: (laughs) matt: it's up to you, you can stay where you are.
travis: no, i would be right there, just entrancedthat he's actually in the ground. matt: okay. so at the end of your turn he's goingto go ahead and use a legendary action to attack you. travis: i meant 'i run'! matt: it's a 30. so it hits you. all right,that's 18, halved to nine, take nine points of damage. matt: and i need you to make another constitutionsaving throw. travis: okay. natural 20! matt: sick, okay! as you pull up from the hammer,you can see now, there's quite a bit of blood now
out of his mouth, and there's a part of the chestwhere it's pushed in, and you can see where the impact has caused heavy bruising and parts of theskin have broken open from impact. so now he's bleeding in places. you're bleeding all over theplace. travis: yeah, yeah! matt: so it's just this mess of two somewhatdressed humanoid men covered in their own blood. it's delightful. travis: and blood and sand. matt: yeah, blood and sand. it's encrustedeverywhere. marisha: be careful, that's how blood diseases aretransferred!
taliesin: very filthy. marisha: be careful! sam: sepsis! matt: he pushes off and manages to hit you in thesternum once again, the same place where the vibrations hit. however this time you grab hishand as it gets there, and it still hits you, but the gauntlets absorb the impact and preventit from spreading through your body. that ends your turn. it's now his turn. he stands up fromprone. travis: goddamn, he did that to me on my turn. travis: (laughing) that's fucked up.
travis: holy shit. natural 20 on my turn,saved my life. matt: okay, he's going to go ahead and hit youtwice (punch sounds). that is an 18? travis: hits. matt: and a 20. so yeah, so the first one--i needyou to make a constitution saving throw. matt: and you take 14 reduced to half, sevenpoints of bludgeoning damage. travis: uh, 13 on my constitution saving throw. matt: 13. travis: what was the damage? i'm sorry. matt: seven.
travis: seven. matt: you feel your muscles lock up once more,and you're stunned now. matt: that allows his attack, and since you arestunned, attacks against you have advantage, and you are incapacitated, so hits that areagainst you are technically all crits. travis: oh, fuck! matt: so the next hit that went against you is sixplus eight-- travis: can i smile before he hits me? matt: sure, you go. so you feel as your body locksup, the next hit (whack) goes right into the same place where he keeps hitting you in the sternum.you can feel the bruising, now you hear the
(crack) crack inward as you feel the cartilagethere pop inward. that's the second hit. he goes in for two more strikes now as you'restunned. (whoof) the next one, the third one, that's going to be a 27? that is eight pluseight, you take eight damage because it's halved. so take eight bludgeoning damage. and his finalhit, that is going to be a 30. that is going to be a 6, 12, 20, reduce that to ten bludgeoningdamage. travis: cool! great! liam: still standing. travis: my math is probably wrong but i'm gettingdown there. matt: okay. he's going to stand right there.your turn.
travis: he is. matt: yep. laura: oh my god. matt: what are you going to do? travis: did he just stand there, and he had aturn? matt: he just went. he got up from prone,that's half his movement, and he's not going to move around you, he's staying right where he is.what do you do? marisha: show him what you've learned! none of usknow what you learned though! we can't help you! travis: i feel like he's doing that patientdefense thing again. yeah, fuck it. i'm going to
go for broke. because we're pretty close anyway.i'm gonna make all three attacks reckless, great weapon master. matt: okay! go for it. liam: tripling down on the barbarian. travis: (laughing) i don't know any better,i don't know. matt: oh no, actually, you're stunned this turn. travis: oh! matt: i just remembered that. laura: fuck!
matt: so, you grin, and then (grunts) your bodyjust won't respond. travis: is there a small fart at least? liam: (high-pitched fart noise) matt: it's about that. travis: yep. it's not even like something to beproud of. just a little squeaker. laura: oh, did you just poop your pants? liam: you turtle a little bit? travis: (scottish accent) a little turtle headpoking out. (normal voice) so i'm stunned-- matt: you're stunned until the end of your turn.your turn ends, at the end of your turn he's
going to use one of his legendary actions to uselike the wind, and he gets to move his speed without attacks of opportunity. laura: what does he want from you? taliesin: for you to show him what you learned. matt: he just (whoosh) slips back and he's on theopposite side, and just goes. travis: cool. i look back, and do this. sam: ooh! he learned to be a dick! matt: that's your turn? matt: okay. he begins to rotate. over there...and that's his turn.
sam: you have a healing-- marisha: everyone is doing their keanuimpressions. travis: i have no healing anythings. sam: awesome. travis: i do if ishort rest, but that's it. all right-- sam: ooh, take one. liam: i do to keyleth. travis: howfar can i throw this fucking thing? long range of 60 feet. the long range of 60 feet means that itwould be a disadvantage throw?
matt: correct. travis: that's not great. matt: short rangeis 20? matt: just get up within 20 feet of him. travis: yeah, let's be honest.could i get to him in 50 feet? matt: you wanna try? travis: yeah, i'd like to try. matt: (counting) you just barely get up to him. travis: god! i just wanna keep staring back athim but i don't-- there's no point to it.
i can't do anything. it's not like i can psychhim out or-- laura: tell him what you learned! matt: what are you gonnado? sam: vague words of encouragement! travis: yeah, going for broke again.reckless, great weapon master, all three. matt: you havedisadvantage on them because of his patient defense, so they're just straight rolls. travis: spatial-- patient defense. matt: patient defense, yes.
travis: also known asspatial defense in the barbarian world. laura: totally. (gasps) travis: natural 20. marisha: ooh. liam: just two more of those, please. travis: so i double the damage die-- or i roll two more damage dice after this. laura: are you supposed to roll10's or 12's? matt: 10's for the hammer. laura: okay.
travis: 42. matt: 42 points ofdamage on the first one, ooh. laura: (quietly) that's good, that's good. travis: second one. matt: second attack. travis: that's a 31 minus five, 26? matt: 26 hits. travis: (counting) 35. matt: 35 pointsof damage?
matt: oof. travis: last one. laura, sam, and marisha: (clap) matt: last attack. travis: i'm buying a ticket to theno pants dance after this. 20, 22. matt: 22, no. laura: (groan) travis: oh no no, that's notminus five-- it is minus five. matt: yeah,it is minus five. so, you go bounding up towards
him (boom boom boom). he just sits there waiting,his arms up. the first strike, he goes to parry but as you hit (crack), his arm gets knocked outof the way, preventing him from parrying the second strike as it comes down right across theside of the face (boof), hitting him, you watch as blood (splattering sound) across the sand and yousee his jaw's kinda momentarily dislodged, his beard just kinda crusted in his own blood.as you come up with a giant over-the-head blow and as it comes down, he (crack) slaps it fromboth sides and stops it mid-action. you see his hands shaking as he's holding it, and he justkinda looks up in your face, "good. good." travis: you keep saying that!
liam: thatwas so metal. matt: it's now his turn. as he throws the hammerback over your head, which puts you off-balance, he's gonna go into his first two strikes. thefirst one is a 21 to hit? travis: (strained) yes, i believe that hits. matt: that is gonna be ten, reduced to five. matt: second one, uh-- on the first one, i needyou to make another constitution saving throw. travis: okay, same damage? matt: same damage, yeah. matt: but he's gonna do--
travis: 23. matt: 23. travis: nope, 21. matt: 21, that's right, yeah. so you manageto resist, the effect of the stunning strike. he's gonna go for the secondary attack. matt: which was seven plus 13,it's 20, so that still hits you. matt: you take 18, reduce that to nine. travis: oof (laughs). matt: make anotherconstitution saving throw.
travis: cool (laughs). we in the single digits,kids. marisha: (quietly) no. travis: 22 minus two is 20. matt: 20, you just barely shrug offthe effect of the stunning strike. (all sigh in relief) sam: clutch. matt: he is gonna go in for his flurry of blows 'cause he knows you're on the edge. matt: he knows you're onthe edge. sam: he just has to miss four.
travis: yeah, yeah. matt: that's anatural 20. marisha: no. sam: just has to miss three. matt:that is 16 plus 8, that is 24 points of damagereduced to half to 12. travis: i am unconscious,but! i use my relentless rage. sam: (growls) matt: right! oh shit, okay. marisha: you're coming back.
matt: i forgot about that. travis: which, it's a flurry of blows,and he only did it on the first one. travis: so, i'm like (long groan,rewind noise) oh shit! (long groan). matt: well, you need to make aconstitution saving throw. travis: i do, yes. matt: the dc of 10. travis: i do. marisha: c'mon. sam: phillip!
travis: if i can't make a dc of 10, i don't know. laura: go phillip! liam: phil! travis: uh, 21. matt: okay, so the third hit, the first couplejust kinda loosen you up (pop pop)-- travis: this is gonna get interesting. matt: the third hit, he leaps in theair, kinda troy style (whack) and hits you right square in the face-- laura: supermanpunch!
matt: -- up in the air and (ringing punch sound)you kinda pull back as you feel your visionbegin to darken, and then you feel that surge of white hot rage in the back of your skull (crack)bring you back, and you (grunt) pull back up as he lands, and you watch as his expression goes (huff)and he darts downward and goes for a low to high ground uppercut dragon punch style. liam: look out, guile, look out. marisha: oh god. matt: that's gonna-- oh, that's an 18 plus 13,that's a 31. (all groan)
matt: you take nine points, reduced to five. travis: (electronicshut down noise) matt: (boom) hits you right underneath the chin,now make-- travis: however, i use my relentless rage, now ata dc 15. sam: whaat? laura: ooh, shit. laura: c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon,c'mon. liam: game that system, do it. sam: come on, come on.
liam: pull out a squeaker, travis,c'mon. travis: 27. sam: ohh! marisha: (claps) laura: (cackles) matt: 27. as it knocks you into the air, almost onto your feet but you manage to catch yourself and(groans) right back up as he lands (cracks) turns around and looks at you and goes, travis:good?
matt: "i see what you've learned." travis: it's my turn? sam: kill him. travis: all three, reckless, great weaponmaster! chewing my tongue off while i do it! liam: (deep voice) showme what you've learned. travis and marisha: (deep voice)show me-- travis: 29 minus five, 24. travis: yep. so the first one is... 23, 33, 34.34 points of damage, first one. travis: second one, nine, damn it.
taliesin: (high-pitchedgroan) marisha: (whispering) kill him. laura: 22. travis: no, but it's minus five so it's20. matt: 20. travis: misses. matt: so the first one hits (whack), it hits him in the side ofthe head, the other side, it rights his jaw strangely but knocks him down onto three points.he's down on his hand and his two knees in the
ground, his other arm's still up, clenched in afist. he's breathing heavily, like he's on the edge. travis: oh. matt: second strike,you go-- laura: get him, grog! matt: -- to swing down and he rolls outof the way (fwish, crack), hits the ground with no effect.you're going for your third and final strike. travis: i am, yeah. matt: go for it
laura: c'mon, c'mon, c'mon. travis: (strained) that's pretty good. that's a30, minus five is 25. matt: 25hits. roll damage. (all cheer) travis: fuck you, master splinter. liam: oh man, vax is just-- travis: yeah, i haven't forgottenit now-- liam: -- perched on the wall, pulling feathersout. travis: -- 23, 33, 37.
laura:oh! matt: okay, how do you want to do this? (all cheer and clap) liam: that was vox machina'sreal reaction. travis: okay, so the first one hits, right? matt: the first one hits, the second one, herolls out of the way and you pull back-- travis: right, i reach back for the thirdone and i go, who's good now? (whack) matt: (crack) you guys watch as he knocks him clean 15 feet in the air from the blast of the blow. he ends up landing on top and the outside--
travis: yes! (laughs) matt: -- of the arena (boom) landing strewn acrossthe steps that lead to the edge of the sand pit, and there's just quiet in the chamber. travis: (heavybreathing) matt: as he stands there breathing heavily,covered in blood. there's spatters of blood all across the sand and groon's just lying there, unconscious, breathing. laura: we're justscreaming our asses off. matt: you guys are yelling. marisha: aaaah!
travis: wait, wait,wait, wait, wait. stay there. laura: what? matt: at this point, there's the opening atthe top of the temple. matt: there's... a rumbling sound, a(rumble), from up above. and there's a small spark of energy that (cracks) up above, (cracks) streaksdown and hits groon-- laura and marisha: (gasp) matt: -- like a very faint lightning bolt,just (pfft) out of the sky and groon rises up on the side, his eyes just vibrant bright, almostglowing, and he stands back up, and he's still covered in his own blood, he's wrecked. you cansee parts of his body where the muscle is swollen,
one arm appears to be almost ruined, but he landsright in front of you. travis: little bit of pee comes out. marisha: uh-huh. laura: (laughs)everybody's peeing. liam: join the party. matt: "you've learned much... and kord smilesupon you." as you look up and you hear the roiling again,and two bolts come streaming out of the top of the temple down towards grog. and slamming intoyour body, you instinctually pull down and hunker, as an animal in a thunderstorm would, but youfeel the warmth as your gauntlets all of a sudden
flash with electrical energy. and you look down asthe runes on all the sides, and the chains are now glowing with divine energy. sam: you're a magician! travis: awesome! matt: as the roiling kinda comes to a close youhear the (thunder noises) of thunder begin to subside, and you feel the smell of burnt sky andozone around you begin to subside, still looking down at the energy pulsing through the gauntlets.groon is still standing there, looking up at you, and just goes: "continue with your journey."
and just looks at you, waiting for some kind ofresponse. travis: i walk over to him. i bow. and then ireach out one of the titanstone knuckles. kord's strength to you. matt: and (slamming noise) slams and pulls you in,and with an intensity you feel his fingers crack, even through these newly-imbued gauntlets you feelthe tension as his grip is still, strangely... you expect he could be powerful enough to crushthe gauntlet with his bare fingers. he just pulls you in from your giant form. the strength isimmense and you (grunt) kinda pull down into his form. he looks you straight up, face to face,but an inch away. "what have you learned?"
travis: that without the love of my friends,life has no meaning, and i would be nothing. matt: and how will you utilize this knowledge? travis: i will make their strength mine,and my strength their own, and in turn, i will try to make the world a better place thani found it. matt: his grip pulls off, and he withdraws hisarm, and he releases you back to your full standing pose. now, at your enlarged form, gargantuan in thecenter of this temple space, his once very intimidating form, diminutive by comparison togrog's full structure, looks up and nods. "i thank you."
grog: i mean, i really-- i thank you. travis: i've never gone that far in a battlebefore. i didn't even know that was possible. this was incredible. i'm talking a lot,aren't i? i have a bit of a man crush-- matt: yes. yes you are. travis: okay. uh. thank you. and i turn, and i walk back to my friends. matt: as you make your way back, groon steps andleaps back out onto the opposite side, and you can see, on the opposite end of the platform,of the sand pit, there is a silver, somewhat tarnished, but still functional, bell. and hewalks over to the side of it, grabs the rope,
and just-- (tolling of a low bell). and youwatch, from all the different corners of the empty temple, all the priests of kord begin to wanderback in, who had exited previously, as was the request, it seems, of earthbreaker groon,knowing that you were coming. laura: (whispers) oh my gosh. matt: they all just silently enter and kind of nodand bow in your direction as you make your way towards your friends. you acknowledge it,but it doesn't slow you, doesn't stop you, they are still your focus. and you guys watch as grog approaches, bloodied, beaten, barely conscious, one eye, the lid is kinda drooping a bit.and even though he's strong in his stride,
there's still a shake with his knees, but hedoesn't show that weakness. he keeps pushing towards you with a slight smile through hisbearded face. travis: guys-- (cough) if we could just make ourway out of here, in as cool a way as possible... if i fall, just pick me up like weekend atbernie's, okay? laura: pike stands next to him and says,don't worry, you won't fall. and she casts, um, cure-- whatever, fucking-- laura: i don't fucking know what the spell is. matt: cure, cure things! laura: i'm not even looking at them-- cure--
matt: you have the spell! laura: he-- no, no, no, i gave them back toashley! matt: no, i mean-- travis: vex. matt: vex has the spell. laura: yeah, but as pike, cure-- okay, but pike,she can do it better than vex can. travis: you have the spell! matt: sure, i rolled it for you. you heal eighthit points. laura: that way you're standing and you don't haveto wobble out.
travis: i'm back at nine. liam: let's get you some ale, big man. travis: that sounds great. laura: grog. travis: yeah? laura: that was fucking amazing. travis: right? i mean, i got struck by lightning,guys. laura: wait! look at your gauntlets! laura: they're glowing!
travis: oh shit, they are. laura: what does it mean? marisha: is that lightning available to you allthe time? (all yell) sam: piece of paper. liam: just for clarification, that all took placein super nintendo graphics, right? matt: oh, yeah. liam: 16-bit. marisha: as we walk out, keyleth throws a littlegust cantrip to kick up the dust behind us.
it just looks really dusty and epic as we walkoff into the sunset. matt: as you guys walk off, the silhouettedmost-of-vox-machina with one giant grog form stepping through. you exit the trial forge intothe rest of vasselheim. we'll take a break there. travis: wow. laura: what's it do, what's it do? matt: yeah, what does it do? travis: in its exalted form, my strength nowbecomes 26, so plus eight, right? travis: and when i use enlarge now, i gainresistance to fire, cold, lightning, for ten minutes.
laura: oh shit, imagine if we had done that beforewe went after the dragons. liam: you should've fought that guy before thedragons. travis: hey, you know? travis: a little drama's good for everybody. liam: you barely eked out that victory, by theway. travis: i know, and double damage. marisha: wait, fire, lightning, and what? travis: and cold. marisha: lightning, fire, and cold, and doubledamage?
travis: yeah, so -- matt: well, not double damage. travis: double damage on objects and structures. matt: he had that previously. travis: but that's a lot of resistance to a lot ofthings. and 26 is... that's really strong. matt: 26 is good. it's two more than what you had,so everything goes up plus one damage to hit. laura: damn. liam: my armor does that too, but it only makes mesmell bad, it doesn't affect me. travis: that was awesome.
matt: all right, guys. we're gonna take a quickbreak, hit the restroom, get some snacks, and we'll be back here in a few minutes.thank you again. see you in a second. [break] matt: hello everyone, and welcome back to criticalrole. matt: so, picking up where we left off, voxmachina is now exiting the trial forge into the braving grounds, grog with the recently reinforcedtitanstone gauntlets by the strength of kord through your duel with earthbreaker groon. laura: sick! marisha: what do they do grog? what do they do?
travis: i dunno. you know what, we'll probablyhave to fight somebody to find out, let's find the first person outside of here. marisha: well, i mean, okay sam: sure to one-hit them. laura: maybe we can find an old building and youcan just destroy it. travis: i'm at nine. taliesin: it's just a kitten going-- (mimespunching a kitten) liam: old woman! matt: red mist.
travis: (exploding noises) oh shit. marisha: and that's how grog was beaten to deathby a purse. taliesin: it is technically one point. he may godown. marisha: yeah, an old lady trying to cross thestreet and takes out grog. travis: i'm at nine hit points. taliesin: nine hit points? liam: he did just take down an old man so ourstreak against the elderly is going strong. marisha: you have the hit points of a kitten rightnow. travis: right, well, i do-- i am fond of cats.
matt: i'm pretty sure a kitten has less hit pointsthan that. marisha: yeah, like five. taliesin: five. matt: who would've had a level one character withless hit points then a kitten. that would be the saddest thing ever. taliesin: we worked it out at one point.we worked out the math at one point. liam: five is way too many. at level one you canhave five hit points as a person. taliesin: it's like two hit points, it's going tobe a very tough kitten. liam: it'd be like 0.1.
marisha: i mean if you're a wizard. matt: what we're saying is 'kitten' is thebaseline hit point counter in dungeons and dragons, everybody. sam: can we count hit points in kitten strengthfor now? matt: all right, i'm going to use three hit dice,i'm at 12 kittens. liam: jewels, gems, golds and kittens. and that's what the air machines run on. travis: man. thanks for not jumping in on that.it was very personal. laura: it was really hard to not.
taliesin: anytime. you're welcome. travis: yeah, thank you. laura: for a second there, grog. for a second.well, a couple of seconds. well, no, i did, did you not see? travis: i missed it. laura: your back was turned for so much of thetime. taliesin: it was amazing. travis: encore! laura: well, i mean, we're outside. all right.
travis: don't. travis: i'm so sad scanlan wasn't here for this. laura: i know, he would've loved that. travis: yeah seriously. (sniffs) laura: i feel like we should go celebrate anddrink, but it wouldn't feel right without him. travis: no, i need like a million potions,and maybe some attractive naked women to heal me back to my full health. laura: right. marisha: it has been a while for you, hasn't it,grog?
taliesin: potions or women? travis: yeah. yeah. i'm real cranky so i needbandages, and maybe some bondage, and just all the women. liam: bandages upon bondages. marisha: those things go together! travis: good! marisha: that's great. travis: like a b & b right? marisha: yeah.. that's exactly what b & b means.
travis: that's what the letters for those wordsare. liam: how long has scanlan been out for? matt: uh, at this point in time scanlan's been outfor almost a day. sam: (making dying noises in the background) liam: gosh. i'd like to go get him, but i reallywant him to wake up on his own accord. marisha: i mean, we can try head back towhitestone and get grog healed up and check up on scanlan. laura: i think that would be good. maybe get somepotions before we head out here, because everyone's low. i'll just stop by the store andpick some health potions
from where we got them before. travis: there are nice stores here, and we haven'teven proper shopped in a while. marisha: it's true. vasselheim hasn't beentouched, right? liam: yeah. that's good thinking. matt: from what you know of the conclave, no. laura: i mean we've got fucking shit to sell-- marisha: (sneezes) taliesin: bless you. marisha: sorry.
laura: -- and stuff to buy, but that's kind of athing. travis: â or we should check out the stuff that wegot out of the den where raishan was. marisha: we should definitely do the research. laura: that creepy-ass book we need to look at. liam: is scanlan sleeping it off? i mean,we're in vasselheim, we've just bamfed across miles and miles. we're here. marisha: i know! sam: hmm, yeah, it's fine. laura: no, yeah, it's fine, it's fine, i'm justfucking sitting here, no big deal.
sam: no, it's fine, i'm having a great dream. taliesin: i wonder what scanlan would say if hewere here right now? sam: fucking come back and get me! taliesin: yes, yes. marisha: he's asleep. taliesin: very asleep. sam: (snores) marisha: in a coma. taliesin: do quick shopping and then head home andlook at all the things.
laura: a quick buying of potions, i just wanna seeif i can get some stuff. matt: make an investigation check. laura: i should've just shaken that instead ofjust-- laura: yeah. 14. matt: okay, with a cursory glance of the area ofthe quad roads which you previously went to for the acquiring of various tonics and salves andhealing liquids, you do find a new nice establishment that's just recently been built.and as you enter to check in, the gentleman at the front looks up at you, and is familiarlooking, and he goes "can i help you-- no! you are not welcome. leave.now. out. please." (snaps fingers)
sam: who's this guy? matt: and these two bouncers kind of step-- laura: are you the cart guy? fucking who-- matt: please. no. not her. please! laura: i didn't abuse him. everyone else abusedhim. i was very kind to you. matt: your business is not welcome here, goodbye. travis: excuse me, has anyone seen my friend ve--you. matt: you? travis: -- beautiful salesman, carrier of alldelightful things.
laura: see! we're friends, we're all friendshere. travis: was he uncomfortable seeing you orsomething? laura: yeah. said he didn't like me very much. travis and laura: i can't imagine why? matt: what do you want from me? laura: just some potions. matt: we don't have many. travis: whatcha got? matt: we can do business. we cannot.
laura: all right, i'll just stand next to himwhile you do business with him. matt: you're not welcome in my establishment. travis: i'm really hard of hearing. like,i've been working-- matt: i can yell! laura: could you understand that? travis: it was like (mimics matt) matt: (groans) laura: yeah, yeah, it's just muffled, it's justmuffled for him. matt: (huffs) "well, our stocks have been runninglow since last time you came through,
we don't have much!" he puts up a small leather case and opens it. travis: it is such a shame. did you tell himalready that we have a whole kingdom's worth of jewelry and gold to spend, and i'm really tiredof carrying it. laura: stuff to sell. matt: blah, blah, blah, blah. laura: it is so unfortunate. we are saviors ofemon, saviors of the world, really, and he doesn'teven care. travis: i thought i'd lighten this backpack alittle. matt: i really don't care. i have four healingpotions and one greater. that is all i have.
laura: oh, is it? matt: that's it. you want it? no? then good day. laura: you know, i don't like him, i don't evenwant to buy it from him. matt: perfect. travis: you go ahead and leave. matt: please! laura: no, grog, please don't. don't shop withoutme. travis: i'm just gonna yell at him really loud. laura: no, no, i'm standing here. i can't let youdo this.
matt: could you please just escort them out-- travis: no, no, no, we'll take it. we'll take it.how much? for the four healing potions and theone greater? matt: 1500 gold pieces. travis: cool! laura: i don't know, me personally, if that is agood amount. but vex would know, is that a good amount or is that a shit amount? matt: based on your previous dealings with thisindividual, the fact that you are getting a priceat all--
matt: --is good. laura: but it's not a good price. matt: it's not a good market price, but it's alsoa buyer's market right now. travis: i know how to do this. i take a bag ofgold-- laura: no, grog! grog, grog, grog. travis: -- pour it onto the desk. just a pile ofgold. laura: grog, do not do this. please, please,please. travis: 1500 gold pieces. laura: i just scoop it back into your little--hold out your pouch.
travis: do you not want healing potions, or what? laura: huh? matt: he starts putting them back into the leathercase. (huffs) laura: i don't want his healing potions.i think those aren't even real healing potions, i think those are probably watercolored-- travis: well, i mean, clearly i have to say theyhave worked. matt: probably yes, you're right. they are coloredliquid of no particular worth. you're right, leave. begone. travis: they've worked every time.
laura: but we can-- grog, please. travis: vex. we are so rich. liam: i lean in the door and say, you've been inthere long enough to pay rent, what is going on? travis: vax, will you come in here a minute? liam: uh, yeah. travis: will you please tell your sister that wehave enough money to fund several townships, and that this guy wants 1500 gold for fourhealing potions and we have almost none. laura: and a greater healing potion! five healingpotions really. liam: is she being a pain in the arse?
travis: yeah, i mean, c'mon, vax. liam: we're not begging in stillben. will you givethe guy some fucking coin so we can get the fuck out of here? laura: yeah, but this guy's mean! liam: my time is valuable. will you pay him so wecan go, please? travis: you're also royalty, so you should showpeasants how to act. you know, stiff upper lip, pip-pip. taliesin: so glad i'm not in this room. laura: that's true.
marisha: my time is valuable. liam: that was liam. marisha: i know, i know. laura: i am a lady, and ladies treat merchantswell, and they don't hold grudges, i hear, because they are ladies and they are above it.so here. take this 1500 gold. i'm going to count it out for you, grog. it's below him, it's beneathhim to count this gold, he's also a lord. there you are. c'mon grand poobah. liam: all he hears is fart noises, and i grab herby the mouth and i drag her out the door. matt: he hands the potions over to grog."very well. enjoy your day, and i'd be wary of
keeping her as your business contact. she's a bitabrasive." travis: yeah, i noticed. you've moved up in theworld, this is really nice. matt: i'm sharing it with a few folks, it's sortof a partnership, but yes. travis: is it working out for you? matt: well, i've had to hire bodyguards,if that's any indication. travis: if i wanted your name, like if i wanted tocall on you later, 'cause it seems like-- as far back as i can remember, we've run into you quite abit, and i'm kind of fond of this-- laura: no, just a couple of times. just a coupleof times. travis: yeah. do you have a name?
matt: cidrick gillsman. travis: i will not remember that. marisha: oh, this guy. travis: by the way, did you have any-- laura: it's the guy. that took advantage of grog marisha: that took all the money from him? liam: it's why i'm saying nothing. travis: --limited exclusive items and, like,top shelf. your most elite, (clicks tongue) paying customers only?
marisha: did you say 'a leek'? matt: i just generally run the realm of healingbalms and salves. matt: my partner does a bit more than that,but he is out currently picking up a shipment and will be back in a few days. try back then. marisha: where's his shipment from? sam: are you there? matt: who are you? marisha: did he come out? i thought he came out. all: no.
liam: no, he walked into the door with vex. marisha: no, sorry. sam: you're at the window. when's he coming back? travis: where's he getting his shipment from? doyou trust your partner? this new guy? matt: i do, and i don't trust you enough to tellyou this information. travis: i give him ten gold for the information. matt: thank you, that is very generous. i don'tknow. matt: he gives the ten gold back. travis: oh! i thank you for your time, poobah out.and i leave.
travis: look, i know that was hard for you. travis: he was very apologetic. laura: was he? travis: yup. he was-- yup. laura: grog, he took advantage of you before-- travis: no, he didn't. laura: -- and i didn't like that. travis: no, look, his hands were on that side ofthe counter the whole time. laura: oh?
laura: well, all right then. travis: yeah, here, these are for you. laura: thanks, darling. laura: which one do you want? travis: no, i don't want any, i need more of thehands-on healing, you know what i'm saying? laura: i cast cure wounds on him. level four,bitch! laura: whoa. matt: 4d8 travis: 4d8?
matt: 4d8 plus your wisdom modifier. liam: what does that mean? taliesin: it's like if you gave him an ice cream,you see me running around on a sugar high for the rest of the day. never gonna burn that off. laura: 14, 19. marisha: yeah, the makey mace-- the mickeymouse-shaped one? taliesin: forgot the ears. marisha: those were great, with the ears. travis: 22
travis: 31 hit points. laura: so... who needs the greater? marisha: i'm all right. give it to others. travis: i mean, we could take a short rest and letme heal up for a second. once we land somewhere. laura: yeah, yeah, yeah. marisha: we're going home, right? liam: you wanna rest in the tavern? travis: i mean, maybe. liam: for an hour?
travis: but didn't you need to go somewhere? laura: percy. greater? taliesin: thank you. laura: then i pass out the other healing potionsbetween-- liam: where i have to go is a little moreinvolved. liam: yeah. marisha: are you gonna slide by the temple? liam: i scoop you by the arm and take you off fora minute. you know, i want to come back here, sometime. one, i would love to go to the velvetcabaret again. you know, just like a date night.
marisha: oh, that was great. yeah, that was fu-- liam: yeah, but without somebody trying to killus. marisha: -- oh my gosh, that was before we weretogether. that was good times. liam: i'd like to go back without somebody tryingto murder any of us, though. marisha: right, yeah. liam: that aside, i do have to go to the temple,but i don't want to go. marisha: why are you saying it like you have to goto the toilet? liam: 'cause that's kind of what it's like. marisha: does it feel like that? yeah. okay.yeah.
liam: yeah, there is another shoe that's gonnadrop, probably, eventually. taliesin: you should probably pass that, i think. liam: i wanna get back to-- marisha: (laughs) as percy walks by. taliesin: no, i don't walk by. i just-- i'm amazedthat no one remembers that we can hear everythingover these earpieces. laura: no, you have to be touching your ear. liam: no, you have to hit send, my friend. marisha: (laughing) you have to hit send.
taliesin: carry on, carry on. liam: her other shoe is gonna drop, eventually.and i'm not ready for that. marisha: what are you afraid of? what do you thinkshe's gonna ask of you? liam: i don't know. marisha: you think she's gonna cash in on thatbargain? liam: why wouldn't she? marisha: i thought you already considered paid upin a way. i don't know. marisha: sure. liam: but i feel like being a little selfish andtaking a little time, and when she wants me--
'cause she's not talking to me at the moment--when she wants me, she'll call. so i'd like a little time. marisha: okay. what are you asking of me rightnow? liam: just to come back, down the road. marisha: later? marisha: do you wanna go now? liam: no. marisha: while we're here? marisha: you're sure?
liam: very sure. marisha: so, just getting this straight.what you're proposing is a raven queen-slash-velvet date night visit back tovasselheim? liam: well, i don't know what's gonna happen atthe-- marisha: like, you go to church and then we go tothe casino? liam: i'd probably do it the other way around? liam: because i don't know what's gonna happen atchurch. i'm talking months. unless she rings, okay? i just want to spend some time with you,before i have to do whatever the fuck she wants. she's going to collect.
marisha: mm-hm. liam: my sister is walking around and breathing.still. marisha: okay. liam: shocking as that is. marisha: i mean, the fact that any of us are stilldoing that is impressive at this point. liam: anyway. marisha: okay, so that will be-- that's a gooddate night to look forward to. let's go home, i guess. travis: yeah. let's at least go see if littlelover boy has woken up.
laura: yeah, we've got our potions. liam: way down the line. marisha: way down the line. marisha: sure. are you sure you don't wanna justhop in the raven's spa, tonight? laura: hey, keyleth? marisha: uh-huh? liam: jesus. laura: sorry, i just-- liam: who is that?
laura: -- finished buying those potions. laura: so, do you wanna get back to whitestone? marisha: are you okay? you're a little-- you looka little sweaty. laura: no, i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. liam: that little vein on the side of yourforehead-- laura: you know what? we've made a lot of money,and-- marisha: yeah, you've got the julia roberts veingoing. (laughs) liam: who? marisha: don't worry about it.
laura: i really do get that thing, though,i really do. but no, i'm okay. we're fine. everything's fine. except scanlan's stillunconscious, so maybe we should go see if he's all right? marisha: you're right, you're right, all right. laura: all right. marisha: let's go. let's go. everything's finehere too, by the way. laura: good, good, you guys didn't seem awkward atall while i walked up. marisha: no, we're never awkward. travis: how do we get back?
laura: maybe we should go. marisha: huh? laura: tree. a tree? can you still do a treestride? marisha: i could do a tree. laura: let's do a tree. travis: we gotta leave the city, though,right? out of respect. laura: no, i don't think we have to. laura: druid magic's different. laura: it's not like-- it's not like showy wizardmagic.
travis: these rules confuse me, but okay. liam: the wizard magic is like broadway musicals? laura: yeah. it's like jazz hands. and druid magicis like modern dance. taliesin: community theater. marisha: yes, yes. liam: brechtian theater. (pained groans) matt: (laughs) marisha: if wizardry is bob fosse, druidism istwyla tharp. taliesin: wow. we went there.
travis: that was good. marisha: i might know my modern choreographers.okay? let's go back to whitestone. matt: all righty. so you find your way back to theabundant terrace, where you find a similar-sized tree, to what you arrived in. using transport viaplants, you transport yourself back to whitestone, stepping out of the sun tree. make your way-- liam: pfft. matt: where else, you would like to withinwhitestone? marisha: it does not make that sound. that's whatyou're trying to do. it does not sound like that.
laura: like a little fart? marisha: that is not canon. liam: trees don't fart out here? marisha: they don't. trees don't fart, they poot,okay. laura: i just start heading-- liam: (loud pooting sound) laura: -- towards the castle. matt: it's the air ashari, man. so what were yousaying? laura: i start heading towards the castle.
travis: on the way there, i ask percy, percy!percy. marisha: the cantrip gust. travis: i know this city's, like, being rebuiltand everything-- taliesin: yes. travis: -- but do you think there will ever belike a pleasure hall, or a house of, you know, bosoms. i mean, i just want to put out like acouple ideas as a city, bound up. taliesin: of course it has one. do i happen toknow where it is, or do i not? matt: i mean, it hasn't been-- travis: nope, yeah, it's pretty empty right now,i know this.
matt: -- really functional for a while. taliesin: i feel like it would be the sort ofthing that would have just existed for fuck all ever. travis: no, no, no, yeah. matt: whitestone has had-- there's generally--there were two brothels, one was destroyed, in the briarwoods' run. marisha: is one called the house of bosoms? sam: better be. marisha: it's like the house of cards of porno.
matt: as one of the titled masters of whitestone,it could very well in the near future. just tell me so i can add it to the campaign guide. travis: i'll come up with something better. sam: international house of bosoms travis: yes. travis: with all the flags on it. taliesin: would i possibly know this? travis: and six different syrups to choose from ineach room. sam: ahh, the silver dollars.
taliesin: i don't even know if i would know this. matt: you know what? make a history check. taliesin: a history check? that's so-- okay.a natural twenty. travis: is it really? taliesin: that's a natural twenty, with my historyis-- sam: whore check! taliesin: -- is a 30. that's a 30. laura: percy knows knows. matt: you've never been to it, but you recall oneof your older brothers who is of age did return
and tell stories of a house of-- marisha: ihob matt: -- flesh and pleasure. travis: thank god. matt: you don't recall its name, but you know thatit existed somewhere on the western side of this city, and within a short period of time,you could lead him to it. taliesin: okay. sam: and also that they serve a pancake with-- taliesin: there's a pancake brunch.
travis: smiley face? sam: -- some chocolate chips and a smiley face. liam: the ancient sumerians would pay for sex withsilver dollars. taliesin: i'm honestly not sure, grog. i reallyhave to think about it. i don't know if such a thing exists. travis: but i'm just saying, you know, if you needto lean on me to develop that sort of the economy again, i'm here for you buddy. taliesin: that's good to know. taliesin: that's good to know. excellent.
travis: let's go find scanlan. taliesin: i wonder if he's awake yet. sam: search for him. wherever he might be. laura: where did we leave him, again? travis: i think strapped up and covered inmayonnaise. taliesin: pudding. pudding. travis: pudding. liam: "pudding." matt: so you guys find your way back to castlewhitestone, upwards to scanlan's room. the door's
partially ajar. on the inside you see kaylie isactually asleep. she's sitting on a stool next to the bed and her head's down, and she's verylightly snoring. and there, in the bed, as you left him, is scanlan. laura: his arms are still up? matt: well, he's been turned. taliesin: we've had people taking care of that. laura: jeez. travis: and kaylie's sitting in the chair,or is she leaning back on? matt: no, she's leaning back in a chair and ispassed out. scanlan is still on the bed.
travis: can i please knock the legs of the chairout? taliesin: there's seven children in this family,i think they're used to some tomfoolery. laura: it's up to you, grog. travis: yeah. i walk over and i just kick the backleg of the chair out so she falls down. matt: (falling sound) (yelps) travis: oh my god, these chairs are so old.are you all right? matt: oh, i'm gonna remember that. travis: oh right, i forgot, you'll speed bag mynuts later, sorry. laura: how you doing, kaylie?
matt: she looks groggy and slightly hung over andis like, "all right. so, you've all come back? he hasn'treally done nothing" and she kinda smacks him in the side of the faceand wipes some of the pudding off. you hear, just ever so faintly, as you kinda are coming outof your stupor, you hear what sounds like voices muffled, and it comes to, you hear what soundslike grog, and then what sounds like kaylie, and then something hits you in the cheek and youfeel a slight tinge of pain like a flick. but your eyes begin to blink, and you guys watchas scanlan begins to stir. laura: how long has he been like this? liam: why is he covered in pudding?
laura: who did this to him? taliesin: i have no idea. sam: what's going on? marisha: keyleth takes a little bit of the gunkoff and what is it? laura: gross. matt: it's like a vanilla custard. liam: thank god. laura: that's fucking foul, keyleth. marisha: look. how do you think druids discoverthings, okay? someone has to figure out what's
poison and what's not. liam: sour. taliesin: they lick them apparently. matt: it's a little sour. marisha: this is funny. this is funny, was thisyou? this is funny! sam: hello. hello? matt: you guys hear scanlan talking. sam: hello? what's going-- laura: scanlan! (gasps)
sam: hi. liam: hey, buddy. laura (sing-songy) welcome back! sam: what-- where am i? taliesin: you missed all the fun. sam: what's going on, where am i? liam: this is the afterlife, scanlan, you've goneto the good place. matt: your hands are bound up over your headcurrently, and you are dressed in a nightgown and your room and yourself are, there's spatters ofpudding everywhere.
sam: what's going on? why am i like this? where ami? laura: you don't remember? sam: no. is the dragon alive? laura: no, you killed it, and then we allcelebrated, and you had a big orgy. travis: yeah, you proposed to this womandownstairs and this was your bachelor party. marisha: you clearly have some very intensedreams, scanlan. sam: i feel like you're fucking with me. matt: and you hear kaylie's voice, "oh, you think that? probably right true."
sam: what are you doing here? matt: well, apparently your friends brought mealong to make sure that you woke up nice and right. sam: they brought you here? matt: aye. sam: where are-- are we in whitestone? liam: we're in whitestone. taliesin: and the dragon is very dead. very,very dead. laura: but you are not. and that's very important.
sam: kaylie, could you excuse us a moment? matt: "aye, but at the very least--" and she reaches over and undoes the bindings onyour wrists. your fingers are a little numb. you pull back and kind of rub them instinctually.she goes, "don't take too long. i've a mind to speak to youin a minute." laura: kaylie? matt: aye? laura: thank you. matt: "sure." she just kind of storms past andpushes, a little gnome figure pushing through the
crowd of vox machina, and out of the room. sam: i'm sorry i... fell again. can someone answerme one thing, though? who got kaylie? who brought kaylie here? travis: vex did. laura: i sit down on the bed with you. well, it just seemed like the logical thingto do, dear. sam: why the fuck would you do that? laura: right. well, 'cause you said that-- sam: i promised her that i wasn't going to die,and you showed her my dead body.
you thought that was a good idea? laura: what! would you rather she just discover iton her own? this way she-- sam: no! i'd rather she never know. laura: scanlan. she came here. she helped bringyou back. you know what that means, right? sam: yes, i do, unfortunately. laura: you think it's bad that she cares aboutyou? sam: i think it's bad that she thinks that i'm anoathbreaker, that i am weak, that i failed in mypromise to her. laura: scanlan.
sam: that everything she thought of me when shefound me is confirmed now. that i can't be trusted, and i can't protect her. laura: scanlan. she thought nothing of you whenyou met her, all right? the fact that she showed up here and saw that you gave your life for agreater cause? that's so much more important than any promise you made. sam: i hope that's true. laura: i think it is. she didn't run away.and after the fact she stayed here and looked after you! liam: you should have heard her play.
sam: i did. i think. i heard music. i heard pike. laura: wait. you heard? sam: i heard voices. i heard pike saying a poem.i heard someone playing music. travis: was that it? sam: yes. liam: all your daughter knows is that you stoodagainst great evil overtaking an entire continent. that's nothing to sneeze at, scanlan. sam: she also knows that i fell and that myfriends thought it would be funny to put me in a fucking nightgown and spread pudding all over me.
taliesin: that was me. sam: and bring back my lifeless body and show herhow weak her father is. that's what she saw. i made a promise, and i broke it, and you provedit to her. and i wish you hadn't meddled in my affairs. i don't have... i don't have many thingsthat i care about, and i don't have anything that cares about me. laura: that's a lie. travis: that is bullshit. marisha: definitely not true. liam: that's full bullshit.
sam: what? you think you care about me? liam: yes, asshole! yes. sam: yes, i'm sorry, you're right. you like mebecause i make jokes, and i play songs, and i give you a warm place to stay at night, and i feed youfucking chicken, and i heal you in battle. but you don't really care about me. come on.let's be honest with each other. you don't really give a shit about me. liam: i've changed my outlook on life because ofyou! what the fuck are you talking about? of course we all love you-- sam: prove it.
liam: -- you could crush me in a second. liam: how? laura: what do you want us to do? sam: we traveled into the fucking nine hells toget pike a set of armor. we went and battled a city of vampires so percy could feel good abouthis name. we fought goliaths for grog. we've traveled across planes of existence so you couldfix your fucking daddy issues. but you've never done anything for me. ever! you've never riskedanything, you don't know me, you don't know anything about me. what's my mother's name? what'sher name? easy question. died in front of me. killed by a goblin. biggest part of my life.what's her name? my father. is he alive or dead?
how old am i? where's my fucking dog? laura: we did get the dog. sam: you don't care about me. laura: we did get your dog. sam: did you? travis: no, we didn't. laura: we did, i searched-- liam: i've asked your age. laura: i thought i did the magic search.fucking hell.
sam: it's fine. i'm just a little hungover frombeing dead, and i just have been thinking for a while, and, you know. grog has pike. vax haskeyleth. percy has vex. but scanlan has no one, and i had one chance at one real relationshipwith my daughter, and i feel like you've gone and fucked it up, too. because you don't really knowme, and you don't really know what my relationship is with her, and what i've promised her,or anything, really. and it's fine. when i met you all, i was just a funny little man playingsongs, and that's all i'll ever really be. and that's okay, because i can take care ofmyself. laura: you don't have to, scanlan. nobody knewthat any of this was going on. how many times have we asked you if you're all right and you justlaugh and joke? we can't help you if you don't
tell us what's going on. sam: i don't need your help. laura: well, apparently you do, darling. sam: i don't like that very much at all. laura: get used to it. nobody likes needingsomeone. marisha: scanlan, do you think any of us couldhave gotten here without each other? i thought you knew that more than the rest of us. maybe we justthought you didn't need us as much as you feltlike we didn't. liam: i thought you were the only one who hadeverything figured out.
marisha: i did too. sam: well then, i must be a very good liar. marisha and laura: you are. liam: i thought for months, what haven't i gotfigured out that scanlan has got figured out? i've been trapped in the mud for months, wondering whati could do to get where you are. scanlan, you fucking saved the world with us. if yourdaughter can't see that, then she can't see anything. sam: yeah. if you really respected me, youwouldn't pick me up like some sort of dwarf and pick me up and put me down and take off yourfucking armor and treat me like a fucking child.
liam: you've thrown some of us like baseballs.i don't know what that is. marisha: scanlan. do you wish we wouldn't havebrought you back? should we not have done that? sam: i just wish you wouldn't have brought herinto this. marisha: scanlan-- sam: i had one shot with her, and now how will iever show her that i can be trusted? how will i ever show her that i can protect her? laura: well, maybe you should fucking talk toher. marisha: yeah, you're a better father than most ofus have ever had. sam: you're right. i should talk to her.
laura: you should! sam: i should! i should. and i will. laura: don't treat her like a fucking sacredobject, treat her like a daughter, scanlan. sam: fine. you're right. i will. i will.i'll talk to her. listen. i don't know what adventure we're going on next, but i think youshould go without me. travis: really? sam: vex is right. i should talk to her.i should be here for her. i don't know why i wasn't with her in the first place. i didn't needto go with you to kill the dragons. i should've just been with her in the first place. probablyjust scared to.
i should just be her father and stay. travis: can i ask you a question? sam: yeah. no, i will not go whoring with you onemore time. travis: no. i was gonna ask you what your mother'sname is. sam: it was juniper. travis: i'm sorry i didn't know that. sam: thank you for asking. laura: is your father still alive? sam: i don't really know. he makes things.made things, i don't know. his name is vicou.
travis: i'm glad you're back. whatever you want todo now that you are... it's up to you, mate. marisha: i'm sorry if we had selfish intentions. travis: we did have selfish in-- marisha: yeah. grog knows what i'm trying to say. travis: we didn't think about those things.we didn't. we thought about what you meant to us. it may not feel like much, to us it feels like abit, but now that you're here... marisha: scanlan, as much as you can say that youwere just the funny guy who played music and made jokes, i don't think you realize how desperatelywe need that. that's nothing to scoff at, that's not a talent that many of us naturallypossess. you've taught me so much about the
brightness of the world, and to look at the lightside of things. sam: i guess it's just easier to laugh at theworld when you don't care about it. marisha: that's not true. you do care. sam: i know. laura: that's why he's an asshole now. liam: we've never had one conversation, you and i,about my mother. where my sister and i came from. did you know thordak killed her? sam: i think that's come up. liam: we've never talked about it. not once.because i didn't want to talk about it.
i didn't push into your private life. if youwanted to talk to me, and you did, about your daughter. we did. we talked in the sewers ofwestruun about your daughter because you wanted to talk about her. we love you, scanlan, and if youwant to talk about your mother or your father, we will. you have not been exactly forthcoming. sam: that's fair. i haven't been. but i alsodon't-- i don't have anyone. i have to take care of myself. that's all. liam: we have survived a fucking hellscape.all of us. sam: (quietly) i didn't. liam: you are standing before me, talking to me.you did.
sam: i did not. i died. twice. liam: that's fucking semantics, shorthalt. sam: in a row. liam: you've been brought back. you're standinghere. your daughter is there and needs you. sam: i'm being kept alive by some fucked-up weirdmagic. before i met you people, i would have never-- the worst i would have gotten in is a barfight. and i would have won. 'cause i would have been a liar and a cheater. and now, i didn't helpany of you in the last fight. i didn't do anything. the fight before that, i didn't doanything-- liam: what about the fight before that?
sam: -- i'm useless! laura: (tiredly) no, you're not. sam: -- i'm out of my league. i'm out of myleague. listen, it was fun. it's fun. it really has been fun to travel with six legends. it's fun.it's fun to say that your friends are legendary fighters. it's fun! liam: excuse me! speaking as someone who has beenfucking depressed for a long time-- look me in the eye. i was shit for months. and you are one of themain reasons i am out of that now. we would be dead, all of us, if it weren't for you. the firsttime we fought raishan, we would all be dead. you are in a pity party right now, and i knowyou're hurting, and i'm sorry you're hurting,
and i love you. but you are lying to yourself,that you have been no use to us. you are lying to yourself. â if you wanna retire, if you wanna gooff with your daughter, that's fucking wonderful. i encourage you to do it. but don't lie toyourself. sam: well, that's just it. i'm a really goodliar. liam: (pleading) scanlan. sam: just give me some time. marisha: (timidly) hey-- hey, guys? we're friends,right? are we friends? taliesin: worse, family. liam: family.
marisha: that's fair. taliesin: and for fuck's sake, sir, i will say idied in that fight too. sam: it's not fun, is it? taliesin: no. and let me tell you something.whatever lie you were trying to feed your daughter out there about the man she thought youmight be, that you just thought you could tell her and then she would walk away and never actuallymeet you or get to know you. so that maybe she would never see what a shit you can be. and youcan be a shit. that fucking girl out there is a shit too. she's a miserable, lying shit.and for fuck's sake, the thing that brought her back here was the things about you that you don'tlike about yourself. and don't think that they
don't count, either. you're a shitty person,we know! that's not the fucking point. the point is for just one moment-- one moment-- once in ablue bloody moon... you come through in a way that others can't. and you do it, and we love you forit, and you are worthwhile, there's a reason we just nearly went mad trying to bring you back.and it was not pity. and we didn't bring her-- we brought her here so that maybe she would snap youout of wherever the fuck you were going to. and i know you're not out of there yet,i've been where you are and i know it's shit. and i would really recommend, as somebody whomisses an awful lot of people, that you are honest with that girl and maybe discover that sheactually likes you. as a person. because you are actually likeable as a person! i know, it's comingout of my mouth. i can feel the shit from it but
it's true. and for fuck's sake, get to know herand stop making false promises that you can protect her, and you'll always be there.'cause you can't and you won't. no one can. and you're fucking lying! and it's sick.be a man. be a man. i've seen you be a man, i know you can fucking do it. and when you're donewith that, and we will leave you with that fucking shit girl, i would like you to look up my parents'name. you can find it on every fifth hallway in this fucking city. and then i'm out. matt: (hoarsely) you leave the room? taliesin: mm-hm. matt: (clears throat) okay. as you push the dooropen-- it's still partially ajar-- and as you push
it open, leaning against the wall just by the dooris kaylie, and you can see she has tears streamingdown her face. taliesin: i give her a big hug, a kiss on theforehead-- matt: she doesn't let you. as soon as you go forit, she just kind of smacks it away-- taliesin: (makes an air kissing noise) mat: --turns into the room, and just kind of walkspast everyone and grabs her bag off the ground. slings it over her shoulder, grabs her violincase. "so, you coming?" sam: ...yeah. matt: "grab your things. be waiting for youdownstairs." and she walks out.
laura: really? just like that? sam: i have to. marisha: where're you going to go? what're yougoing to do? sam: i'm just gonna be a shorthalt for a while.and i'm just gonna figure out what that means. and... it's great being part of a team,but you gotta know who you are first. so i gotta go figure that out. and i gotta go figure out whatshe is, too. and when i do, i'll come back and find you. and if you really need a place to stay,i'll advise you to buy some tents, 'cause you won't have a mansion anymore. i know you'll befine 'cause you all have each other, but for now, i just need to have me for a while. i love youall. i even love percy... and his parents,
frederick and johanna. and i'll go with kaylie. travis: wait. i reach into the bag of holding andi grab my salt-lick rock and i toss it to scanlan. sam: what's this? travis: it's yours now. when you miss us-- i knowyou will-- give it a lick. sam: (choked) all right, i will. laura: i grab the gatestone off the end tablewhere we left it with him and hand it over to youas well. sam: you'll need this. laura: i'd rather it go to you.
sam: when vex tries to give you something,you take it. all right. don't die. liam: scanlan... we'll miss you. sam: (exhales) i hope so. and... well, you said iwas right. let's pick up that conversation later. i'll go out the door. matt: okay. as he walks down the hall, you hearhis feet across the stonework echo quieter and quieter until you can't hear it anymore,and you all stand in stunned silence in the chamber. liam: (draws in a breath) fuck. laura: i just pick up a pillow and throw it at thedoor.
matt: it opens slightly. the pillow lays on theground smattered with vanilla pudding. travis: did he take all his things with him? matt: i would say he would've grabbed his thingsas he left, yeah. laura: well, that didn't go like i thought itwould. marisha: no. no it didn't. laura: kinda wish we would've gone drinking invasselheim now. travis: we might've missed him if we had. liam: (wearily) we saved the continent, why doeseverything feel like shit? travis: he's alive. that's what really matters.
liam: but he's our liar, grog. laura: (tearily) and he hates us, now. marisha: he doesn't hate us. i just... think we've all just discoveredthat maybe we have a lot more secrets about ourselves than we've all ever let on. travis: he needs time. we have that. laura: (angrily) fuck him! fuck him for not sayinganything sooner. marisha: i dunno. laura: and fuck us for not asking. (sniffs)
marisha: i think percy's right. we're worse thanfriends, we're family. and family leaves. liam: yes. they do. marisha: can we not be family? can we, like,redact that? liam: i don't think so. i think it's too late. travis: i step out into the hallway. do i seepercy at all? taliesin: i'm around the corner, up on the-- taliesin: i'm outside of-- if you went far enough,you'd see me. matt: you eventually find percy, yeah. travis: hey.
taliesin: hi. travis: rough one, that. question: travis: do you have any, like, sneaky people inyour employ here in the castle. taliesin: 'course. travis: wouldn't you feel better if we hadsomeone just keeping an eye on them? bit explosive, the two of them together. taliesin: i'm torn. i don't know if he'd likethat. travis: i don't know if i care. (laughs) taliesin: i don't know if i do, either. i keepthinking, i could just shout right now and half a
dozen guards would stop them. travis: yeah. it'd be half a dozen dead guards,though. taliesin: well, what's half a dozen dead guardsthese days? travis: good point. taliesin: there's tale of a brothel in the westend of whitestone. i don't know if it still exists but i'm sure if you go drinking in that area,you might find something. sorry. travis: no, yeah. yeah. i'll go give it a look. taliesin: when you're in the mood. travis: now's good. yeah, i'll be back afternightfall. gonna go out for a bit.
taliesin: grog. taliesin: i know we don't always agree, and i knowthat i can be unkind but... you know you're family, right? travis: i don't know much, but i do know that. taliesin: it's nice having an older brother again. travis: i leave. marisha: so what, just-- the half-elves are leftalone in a room covered in pudding? matt: yeah, basically. taliesin: way to paint a tableau.
marisha: crying. matt: yeah. crying in your pudding. marisha: angry. taliesin: i think 'crying in your pudding' isactually a british saying. marisha: do you think that if we would've notcovered the room in pudding, that he would have stayed? laura: i start cleaning it up. well, he seemedpretty pissed that i went and got kaylie, even though he ran away with her at the firstchance he had.
marisha: and you had to stay in a shitty bnb,a brothel and-- (laughs) matt: you see that pike is still kinda shaking herfist in the corner right now. she doesn't say anything during this whole exchange. liam: pike-- laura: pike, are you okay? liam: how you doing, pickle? marisha: oh, right, pike. right. matt: he needs to do this... right? he needs to dothis. laura: he says he does.
matt: what do we need to do? laura: i have no fucking clue. matt: i need to get a drink. marisha: yeah. we could always go back tovasselheim and pick up on that little drinking. laura: i'm not gonna go anywhere, keyleth. liam: i don't wanna go back to vasselheim. marisha: i mean, we can drink anywhere. vasselheimdoesn't have to be in that equation. matt: where else do we have to go? away from here.i just want to be away from here. marisha: i have to go to the water ashari.i have to.
liam: and before too long, we have a demon whowants you and i dead in the night. we have to deal with it. matt: all right. anything else? marisha: pike, you know the ozmit sea. you'vesailed it, yeah? matt: it's been a while, but yeah. marisha: we might need you for the water ashari. matt: i can do that. marisha: seems like-- i guess all of us arepicking up on our own individual paths from here? i guess.
matt: why can't we still help each other out? liam: we can. of course we can. pike... matt: his path is his own. he has to do his thingalone. we don't have to be alone. liam: no. no, we don't. we just wanna slow thingsdown for a while. it's been a long couple of months. marisha: is scanlan right? have we become tooclose to each other? do we need to all take our individual time like we've done in the past? liam: no, we just need to not have our lives onthe line every day. for a little while. or ever. retirement's not a terrible idea. i mean,what's the takeaway here, from scanlan? can't
hold anything in. fuck. you know that i've alwayslooked up to you, for everything? that i've tried to model myself after you. do you know that? andyou. you know that she's my best friend,right? you know that. marisha: 'course. liam: you know that i'm madly in love with her,right? you know that, right? we don't need to joke about it or dance around it anymore.you know that i'm in love with her, right? laura: obviously. liam: obviously. marisha: what are you getting at, vax?
liam: i just don't-- he left because he felt likewe didn't know him. i'm scared to death about what i have to give to a fucking god, eventually.i'm scared of that. i don't want to do that, but it's going to happen, and it's destiny.i'm scared about that. there. that's out. do you have anything that you're holding in?you're in love with percival. we all know that, right? it's plain as day, right? laura: my take-away from scanlan is that we alltalk too much. and i leave the room. marisha: and then i look at vax and percy,and say-- taliesin: â oh, i'm not there. matt: percy's not there
marisha: oh, sorry. vax and-- matt: pike. marisha: --pike, and say: and my takeaway is thatmaybe we were forgetting who we were before we all banded together. and then i leave the room. sam: they're all individually going to the roomnext door. matt: yeah, they're all just congregating in thenext chamber. laura: and that's where scanlan's waiting. taliesin: it's like a black mirror episode sam: everyone's reading highlights.
liam: crack out the aerator, yo. travis: highlights. laura: blacklight. marisha: it's the basement in westworld.we all just go catatonic. matt: pike kinda walks up to you as they walk outof the room and puts her gauntleted hand on your shoulder and just says, "we all make mistakes,i make 'em a lot." matt: you have a lot of other people to look upto, aside from just me. liam: i've learned that. matt: his path is his own. and he'll come back.right?
liam: i don't know. but he's our friend.i like having him around. matt: me too. (sighs) let's get a drink. liam: what? matt let's get a drink. liam: let's get a drink. you wanna go in town? liam: all right. marisha: i chase down vex, and we do the samething. matt: you guys all individually find your waythrough the rest of the afternoon to discuss, cope with and ruminate on the separation ofscanlan. going through all the different emotions
you feel that are necessary, and whatever activities you proceed to distract yourself with.grog. laura: (laughs) crying in a corner. liam: (mock-crying) travis: crying on bosoms. (mock-crying) travis: i'll pay for this. matt: yes, you will. that's extra. matt: and strangely not uncommon. liam: he's wrapping up the show, i can tell.so i came to give sam a hug.
laura: he's not! no, he's not! matt: he's not, actually. i don't know where yougot that idea. liam: well, i was just getting in a mid-game hug. matt: there you go! (laughs) taliesin: this is awkward. matt: you guys still got shit to do. laura: guys, no. stop it. matt: you guys made promises, you're still on atimeline for some things. matt: you still have things to do.
marisha: no, we know. taliesin: we know. liam: we know. matt: don't take that as sam closing the curtainhere. still got shit to do. liam: i know, but... i craved that, so i took it. matt: no, that's okay. cross-table hugs are fine. taliesin: that was weird. matt: the next morning comes around, you're all invarious states of hungover; should you have chosen to imbibe with the rest of the party.
liam: heavily. matt: grog eventually wanders in, less hungoverbut more meek about how his previous day was. travis: not my best night. marisha: i see vax the next morning and i say,look, your sister gave me one of her blue feathers. it's because this is the darkesttimeline. laura: i come back and i take that off. i'm like,no, keyleth, you took that from me when you were drunk last night, actually. marisha: it's because this is the darkest timelineand i stole it from you. liam: pike and i come in wearing fun buns,hungover. my face hurts.
laura: how is everyone? matt: she slaps you. travis: amazing. matt: does it still hurt? liam: yeah, and also my face hurts as well. laura: percy. taliesin: good morning. laura: morning. marisha: what did you do last night?
taliesin: worked. marisha: worked? you were productive. taliesin: well... marisha: you made the rest of us look and feellike shit? taliesin: i think we all have our ways ofcoping. marisha: what did you make? taliesin: just some sketches. marisha: did you bake a cake? i hope you baked acake. taliesin: there's no cake.
marisha: i really want coffee cake right now,percy. taliesin: there are people for that. liam: you look like me. laura: squish-squish. squish-squish. liam: you look like me. why do you look like me? laura: you're still drunk. sober up. it's a newday. liam: that's boring. laura: (laughs) oh, shit! he could've broken hisnose just then, i swear. oh my god. marisha: is it a new day?
laura: it is. matt: it is. marisha: i thought it was still yesterday. taliesin: oh hey, i've got all my hit dice back.that's nice. matt: yeah, spells are back, you guys are healed. marisha: my staff is charged. laura: you're up from nine points. laura: hey, wake up, fuck. wake up. it's a newday. open your eyes. hey. matt: pike casts restoration on vax.
laura: hey, you're not drunk anymore, look atthat. liam: i feel good. travis: all right. so, what? first step is themost important one, right? taliesin: well, as far as i know we have threethings still on our plate. matt: which ones? taliesin: we've got a hand. liam: hotis. taliesin: we've got the ashari, and we've got ademon. marisha: we also have research we have to look atthat we got from that lair of raishan's.
travis: what's the hand? laura: we have to give ripley's hand to those guysin marquet. i think that's the easy one. liam: that seems like the quickest. matt: that's definitely the quickest. travis: let's try that. liam: my mental acuity's on point. marisha: i feel like if i teleport i'm gonnapuke. matt: pike grabs a bucket. taliesin: i run to the kitchen. i put togethersomething that is not quite, but probably a hot
sauce, with half a raw egg, and shot of somethingthat is quite possibly but not quite some sort offantasy variant of tequila. marisha: you are not-- taliesin: swirl it all up. marisha: -- frat-boy one-shotting me this. taliesin: this is a thing. liam: that's science. listen to percy. that'sscience, you need that and you need a traditional whitestone breakfast. laura: it's super good, keyleth, really.
taliesin: yeah, just get it down, just get itdown. marisha: why this? taliesin: don't look at it. liam: just listen to the science guy andchug-a-lug. travis: bottoms up. taliesin: i was kidding. you shouldn't actuallydrink that. marisha: fuck you, motherfucker! taliesin: can i get a roll damage? taliesin: i've done something very similar to thaton many a morning.
marisha: we need to look at this research.we need to figure out what raishan had going on. laura: my brain hurts from crying so muchyesterday. marisha: i know. are my eyes puffy? marisha: do i have bags under my-- thank you. taliesin: you're welcome. liam: you wear it well. matt: so what's the plan. what's up first? taliesin: let's take a quick look at what we gotfrom the cave. laura: maybe bring allura and gilmore in here,because
we have that book that seemed verynefarious. marisha: i help percy figure things out. matt: okay. from the things that you gatheredoff, a lot of them were candle-holders, there were various reagents, some of them rotted or driedout, a number of books and tomes, some that deal with poisons, various alchemy. actually, a similarbook to the one that you found earlier in your travels, but an older version of it. and there isthe one large tome that you acquired that had the more nefarious-looking leather-bound exterior,the thicker piece. travis: i'll read this. laura: no, don't touch it, grog, i don't trust it.i want allura or gilmore to look at it first.
matt: the easiest person to find here wouldprobably be allura, in the castle. well, no, because allura's off in emon helping with thedestruction. gilmore would be the only one you could really speak to currently. laura: or eskil. matt: or eskil. but he's a little wary of you atthe moment. (laughs) laura: i just keep making people wary of me. matt: all right, so you go ahead and you bringgilmore in? matt: okay. and it's easy enough to bring in.he's just waking up. (yawns) "so, what can i help you with?"
laura: hi. taliesin: we found this. be careful, it was withraishan. matt: he takes it, he sits down and places it onhis lap, and tugs on his braided goatee. "this smells like shit." taliesin: several things have died on top of it. liam: i give my armor a sniff. matt: smells-- different kind of shit, but shitnonetheless. he takes a look over it. "this has a very faint magical essence to it. let me go ahead and--" he looks over it for a second, his eyes glow withthat same
arcane purplish energy that flares when he does the identify spell. looks over it. "this is an evil book. reading this would beinformative, but would certainly have a cost." travis: like, money? matt: soul-money. laura: soul-money. travis: do we have any of that in the bag ofholding? laura: i don't think we do. not anymore. matt: wouldn't recommend it, grog. taliesin: what do you recommend we do with thisbook?
matt: well, if you ever feel like you want somelight reading. or find somebody who's foolish enough to read it. or at least has the willpowerto push through its dark enchantments. i have no idea. laura: let's just keep that in a-- taliesin: going to vault that for the moment. travis: you're saying somebody could read it,but they'd have to make it all the way through the end. matt: i don't want to look into it, i'll put itthat way. but somebody with a strong enough mental aptitude to be able to not be corrupted by itsdark magics.
it's my recommendation at the very least. taliesin: not anyone in this room, is what he'ssaying. travis: right. what else have we got? taliesin: i say hand. it's simple, to the point. laura: i agree. liam: i agree. one and done. taliesin: and we can find the ashari on the wayback. marisha: yeah, we can. laura: this feels wrong.
travis: it feels different. liam: ah, it feels wrong. marisha: that's not on us, though, it's on him. laura: can you scry? marisha: me? laura: yeah. see where he is, what he's doing. marisha: i pull out the scrying eye. can i hold itout in front-- this is kind of flavor-- and i let itlevitate in front. matt: it locks itself in place and slowlyrotates.
marisha: can i open it like a fortune-teller'sspying sphere type of crystal-- laura: and just like project it on the wall behindher so we can watch it like that movie. matt: the vision comes to you. it doesn't quite dothat. marisha: that would be really awesome. travis: can i make it imax? matt: i want that hd download, not the sd. marisha: 5.1 dolby digital surround. liam: whoa, it's all around me! marisha: oh my god, so many lagging issues.
travis: what's he rolling for? laura: to see if he senses it, maybe. liam: you don't know. matt: so what's your wisdom modifier? sam: me? matt: your wisdom saving throw. sam: negative two. laura: wait, what did you roll? sam: i got a two total. but i get advantageagainst magic.
matt: you do. sam: that's a 17. matt: plus your-- what's your wisdom saving throwbonus? sam: i mean, that's 19, my wisdom is negativetwo. matt: oh, minus two. got you. and your spell dcis-- marisha: oh, i'm spying on those bitches. matt: okay, so. you get a brief view of what looksto be scanlan, wearing his regular outfit and armor now. marisha: he took his armor off? he's just regularclothes?
laura: no, he walked out in a fucking nightgown. matt: he walked out in a nightgown. marisha: oh, right, yeah. matt: through this whole emotional circumstance,he was in a nightgown. but he is currently, he's walking through the parchwood forest thatsurrounds whitestone. he is on the path south. marisha: south of whitestone? matt: yeah. south of whitestone. to his left iskaylie, and they're both with their sacks over their shoulders, and they're just hiking throughthe forest. they're, at the moment, not talking, but they're both slightly smiling. just kind ofenjoying the journey, and the company. and you
just watch them walk for a little bit through thethick tree canopy above, the well-worn path that heads south and out of the parchwood. marisha: he looks content. happy, even. laura: that's good. liam: yeah, good on him. travis: can you yell at him? marisha: i feel like he's like flicking off abunch of trees now. i don't know. he was always an odd one. liam: to be fair, he did that about seven times aday.
marisha: he did, yeah. liam: for no reason. marisha: i never knew his animosity toward trees. matt: you never know. sam: just in case. marisha: i don't know. liam and laura: just in case. marisha: just really hates oaks. liam: raven queen, demons, you never know who'slooking over your shoulder.
laura: we should've invited kaylie to come withus. they could've stayed-- liam: they don't want that. marisha: i have a feeling there's little chance wecould talk him out of it. well! all right. he's living a nice, happy, content, low-key lifenow. let's continue on. liam: yeah, and why shouldn't he, he earned it. marisha: yeah, he did liam: he earned it. travis: (quietly) dick. (louder) sorry, what? laura: yeah, right.
marisha: he saved the world, what more could weask of anybody? travis: let's go. what clears the brain betterthan travel? (sniffs) or sex. liam: wait, stop, stop. i was about to say yousounded very wise, don't fuck it up. just, period. travis: period. liam: travel and sex. done. marisha: you know, there's merit to that.all right, let's go. laura: as we head to the tree, i pull grog aside,and i ask him: are you all right, grog? i mean, i know, i know you got your lady favors out ofthe way and all that, but... scanlan was your bestie, right? outside of pike.
travis: yeah, i'm just bummed, because i'm gladhe's alive-- laura: well, yeah. travis: i think that's what keeps us from beingterrible. but like-- (sniffs) i only trust like a few people in the world. you, scanlan, and pike.and now it's just you and pike. laura: me and pike? travis: no, i mean i trust the others, right,but like... i know you on a more intimate level. laura: cause you saw my titties? travis: pretty much. travis: yeah. um.
marisha: that's literally it. i don't know ifthey've ever had, like, an in depth conversation. travis: so. travis: that's all. i just-- i just feel a littlemore sad on the inside. but i'm all right. laura: i'm sorry, grog. travis: yeah. i'm glad he's okay. laura: me too. marisha: show him your titties again. laura: do you want to see them? would that makeyou feel better? travis: no, it's not right, right now.
laura: yeah, no, it didn't feel right, i justwanted to... all right. travis: yeah, you know. it's... mmm. you know. travis: i appreciate the offer. matt: as you walk your way down to the center ofwhitestone, to the sun tree-- liam: it's so touching and ridiculous at the sametime. matt: i know. you recall that in the center of thecity itself, ank'harel, as it acts as one of the largest oases in the center of the central marquetdesert, there are a number of larger trees of various types, and there's one not too far fromthe suncut bazaar, that you recall. you make that your designated tree, and upon casting the spell,you watch the sun tree, tear open the doorway,
and you step across-- marisha: as i cast the spell, i just say, hey,sun tree? watch over scanlan and kaylie, okay? and then go though. matt: you step through. okay. you all emerge onthe outskirts of the suncut bazaar. at this point in time, it would be the beginning of-- just pastdusk. the sun has gone down in ank'harel. but you can still see the oranges and reds andpurples of the recent sunset in the distance. the city is bustling. lanterns are alight allthroughout. the bazaar itself and all the various multicolored towers and structures and buildings,the beautiful city just stretch up in all directions around you. you can see the bazaaritself is lively with carts that are open,
shouting as various barkers are peddling theirwares. it's a very upbeat atmosphere, and one that's a stark change to the whitestone you juststepped away from. liam: and the sun is going down, you said? matt: the sun has already gone down. liam: after we just woke up. liam: jet lag. laura: we fucked up. matt: yeah. other part of the world. taliesin: jet lag.
liam: yeah. what? taliesin: tree lag. marisha: tree lag. liam: it's a bitch. matt: (laughs) tree lag. marisha: it's the worst. matt: you guys begin making your way toward the debt's respite, which is the tavern that housed the scarbearers. this is where treev bonebreaker was when you last discussed the return of ripley'shand--
matt: -- as the assassin that killed one of theirown. and you're returning this hand to absolve yourselves of implication in this murder. marisha: yes. matt: since you discovered the body. taliesin: i'm, for the record, not wearing thecloak when we do this. laura and marisha: hey! matt: good point! taliesin: and just for the record, i know i'll getyelled at for twitter on this. i have informed my sister where i'm going and what's going on.not just going willy-nilly.
matt: right, right, cassandra is aware. all right.you guys walk through, you catch a few eyes as you are not just outsiders walking throughank'harel, but you're all adorned in, you know,beautiful artifact armor-- laura: right, we didn't put on our-- matt: magical weapons-- liam: god wear. matt: god wear, essentially. and as you walktoward the debt's respite tavern, on the outside you can see, there's what looks to be aneight-and-a-half-foot tall, humanoid, golem-like metallic construct. it looks similar to a golem,but it's smaller. like the iron golems you've
fought before, but it's smaller in scale. liam: like the one we fought in j'mon's. matt: yeah, j'mon's, but much smaller. it's lessbulky, and more just a functional, tall, metallic humanoid-type construct. liam: protocol droid. matt: yeah. you see it's clutching-- marisha: (gasps) it's basically the vision? matt: a little more ramshackle in construct. marisha: ah, okay.
matt: it's clutching a leather tome in one handthat is open, and is holding what looks to be a quill in the other, and it's just standing therequietly. to the front of it you see, almost waiting outside the tavern in the process ofthumbing through some satchels, you see a handsome human male. late 30s or so, with shoulder length,feathered, dirty blond hair and blue-green eyes, a well groomed goatee adorning his dashing smirkas he turns and looks across you and very quickly the eyes very overtly take in and categorize yourdecor, your dress, your stature. and the smile grows even wider. his frame is svelte, he'sadorned a set of polished, immaculate breastplate armor with numerous satchels all around him,and he carries a silver helmet under his arm that shines with many, many embedded gems: diamonds,opals. just an opulent-looking figure who's
wearing what looks to be barely used, or at leastvery well-kept armor and jewelry and adornments. immediately catches their attention. sam: you there! sam: you lot! hello! wow! who are you all? look atthis, magical items from head to toe. why, i've never seen anything quite like it. liam: pouring it on a little thick, friend.what's up? sam: doty, come here, will you? take this down. matt: (stomping and creaking sounds) and you watchas the giant construct takes a few steps forward and begins writing into the book.
sam: in my travels through-- laura: fuck! it's a kleenex, it doesn't work! youpiece of shit! liam: god dammit. marisha: that couldn't have been more uncanny! laura: fuck! i didn't want to throw something hardat him. marisha: hoooly shit. liam: fucking. hell. (bangs table) sam: doty. doty, take this down: in my travels inanh'karel, i have never seen so many magical items in one place. but then i saw them, walking up tome, and i knew i had met some very special people.
that's it for now. hello! nice to meetyou all. the name is taryon darrington. marisha: darrien darriton? sam: tary-ann-- taryon darrington. marisha: darrington. sam: my friends just call me tary. and i'm a bitof an adventurer. i've been traveling around this continent for a while, trying to tick off thingsoff of my list, and i've had a few scraps and scrapes. and i'm looking for more adventure.i was travelling with a band of ne'er do wells that i had hired and, well, let's just say many ofthem were killed. heh. so. i was looking to employ a ragtag group of people, elves, whatever youare.
to accompany me, sort of be my side men,if you will. laura: (disgruntled) oh. sam: how much would a band like you cost for aday? laura: 50,000 gold. sam: oh. that's nothing. would you-- travis: an hour. sam: i'm sorry? laura: 50,000 gold an hour. marisha: it's like our retainer fee.
laura: (quietly) good thinking, grog. sam: well, i tend to employ people on amonth-by-month basis, and you get a cut of the treasure as we go, of course. we can work out theparticulars, but are you in fact, guns and-- or, not guns. swords-for-hire? travis: what, are you going after treasure? sam: i'm going after many things. i have a longlist of things i want to tick off. travis: are you famous? sam: of course i am. you haven't heard of...well, you haven't heard of me yet because my book hasn't come out yet. doty here is recording mylegendary
adventures as i travel around the continents. travis: how thick is the book? matt: it's pretty thick. make a perception check. travis: (surprised) oh. laura: wow. travis: 18! matt: okay. it's a pretty thick book, but it lookslike doty is maybe a third into it. a fourth. travis: lots of scribbles in that book. sam: yes, i haven't settled on a title yet.it will either be-- "tary's adventures". it's sort
of lame, sort of lame. or it could be "daringadventures of darrington" or it could be "tarry on with taryon". or something like that, i'm workingon the title, i have a while to finish it. laura: (sarcastic) they're all very clever. taliesin: the daring trial and tribulations oftary darrington. sam: that's fantastic! doty, please write thatdown. matt: (creaks and squeaks) sam: i knew you were special when i ran into youall, my goodness. liam: hey, buddy boy, we have to go to the ninehells in the not too distant future, are you downfor that?
sam: well. â hold on, let me check my list....that is on the list. it was... lower down, but, it's another thing i have to tick off before i'ma real adventurer! so, i'm up for anything if you are. liam: hm. i do not like you. marisha: this fucking asshole, am i right? thisfucking asshole. travis: can i insight check asshole? matt: yes, you may. liam: look at this willing accomplicemotherfucker! laura: you piece of shit, both of you.
marisha: you're all pieces of shit. laura: i'm so angry at everything right now. travis: is it perception or what on that? matt: insight. taliesin: it feels weird. new dad is wearing olddad's skin, and trying to do an impression of him and-- marisha: (yelling) i don't like change! liam: who cares about the whisper, what's going on, sam? marisha: bullshit.
taliesin: tell us about the lootcrate, sam! tellus about the lootcrate. laura: how dare you, samuel? (gasps) he has a newcharacter sheet. i'm going to cry, again. taliesin: ah! mother lied. ah. laura: i'm going to cry again. nope. i hate tary.he's a dick. travis: we are actually-- marisha: you're going to make laura cry.look what you've done. travis: we are currently under-- taliesin: dick. marisha: (yelling) fuck you, ryan green! fuckyou!
liam: this show is breaking apart because of you,sam! marisha: you were part of this too! liam: show me on the character sheet where the baddm touched you. matt: so, bringing it back to current conversationat hand. travis: we are currently employed right now.we're on a very, very dangerous mission. laura: a super important mission. travis: however, it ends here. so, if you have thecoin, and maybe if you prove yourself not to be too much of a lag-behind. percy, what do you feel like--
taliesin: i'm just saying, look, it's not like wedon't have business right now. you seem... what does he seem like? marisha: yeah, what do you do, tary? sam: i'm an adventurer! travis: he's an adventurer. taliesin: you seem like a person, and that'sgreat. travis: like kenneth branagh in harry potter. liam: he seems like a prat. taliesin: i'm trying not to judge at the moment,and--
liam: that's what you do. taliesin: i know. i've had a bad day. marisha: we trust you to judge. travis: what does he do? sam: that's my biographer, doty. travis: does he just write stuff? sam: if i tell him to. he also has other skills. laura: what does he have? sam: many things. i can grant powers to manypeople.
for instance: you, little elf girl, what's your name? travis: (laughs) (quietly) i'm gonna move overhere. marisha: hell no. oh-ho-ho-ho. taliesin: i take it back, i like him. liam: wait, i'm stealthing. matt: flames on the side of my face. fire.heaving breaths. marisha: keyleth uses a fog cantrip and just fadesinto the alleyway. liam: i rolled a 33 on stealth, i'm gone! taliesin: and i just hex into the shadows.
marisha: it's like we're in a western when theycut back to the tavern and everyone's gone. matt: basically. laura: i walk up to him. what kind of adventurerare you if you've never heard of vox fuckingmachina? sam: ooh! is that a band of evildoers, is that aroving goliath horde? laura: where the fuck have you been? who are you?no really, who the fuck are you? sam: my name is taryon darrington, i am anadventurer, and i have more recently set out on myjourney, that is true. laura: this armor looks very new.
sam: i have not seen so many real battles yet,but i have fought many beasts. laura: mm. sam: there was one, it was a smallish beholder,and my men took it out into a field for me and sort of roughed it up for me, and then when thetime was right for the kill, they said "come on in and kill it!" and i came in and used my powers andkilled it and i checked it off the list. laura: oh, i see. sam: yes. it was so thrilling. travis: your men, are you-- laura: the ones that died.
laura: right? sam: they also perished, that was a differentgroup, yes. laura: wonderful. sam: but they were well-paid before they went,and i'm sure they sent some of the money home. some of them, i think they do that, typically. travis: what else is on your list, what're youlooking for? sam: i've got a long list of beasts and animalsi'd like to slay-- travis: just give me one. sam: uh, naga, i think that's how you say it.
laura: that is how you say it. travis. it's actually nah-jah. marisha: (laughs) nah-jah! sam: i've already gotten a smaller beholder.someday i'd like to see a dragon, maybe have a crack at it or two. laura: oh, i'm sure you'd take it out in no time,dear. taliesin: right. marisha: man, i fucking hate this guy. sam: i feel like you're condescending to me! i'mnot, i'm not a dullard, here. i can do a lot of
things! my wealth has bought me many differentartifacts from my travels, and they all do majorly magical things. travis: what kind of weapons does he have on him? sam: i have a rod. laura: an immovable rod? travis: is it movable? sam: no, it's whatever i want it to be. sword! matt: you watch as the rod all of a suddentransforms into this sudden liquid, metal-like visage, and then solidifies into a longsword.
sam: fire! matt: it bursts into flames. travis: now that is fucking great. sam: it's fucking cool, isn't it?! laura: how much money did that cost? sam: oh, like, 400,000 gold or something? it was alot of money. i don't quite... doty keeps the facts and figures. doty, can you show me thatpiece of the book? matt: (mechanical squeaks, pages turning,squeaks). turns it around. sam: that's embarrassing.
matt: shows the page to you and you glance throughit, and the actual construction of the item cost you upwards around 65 to 70,000 gold. laura: that's it?! matt: it's a lot of money. laura: well i know, but-- travis: so wait, you want to come with us,or you want us to come with you? sam: i don't have a current adventure right now.fire off. still getting used to some of thecontraptions. laura: tell you what, tary? 50,000 gold and youcan follow us right now as we finish this very
adventurous errand we're running. marisha: what! vex! marisha: what?! laura: 50,000 gold. small fee. sam: what kind of adventure is this, again? youmentioned you're going to do something very dangerous. laura: it's so dangerous. travis: so dangerous. laura: we're going into this dangerous--
sam: can you tell me what it is? laura: i'm afraid i can't, it's very-- travis: it's a test of your reflexes, on point,how you handle things you're not quite ready for. sam: i could limber up, sure. liam: i stealth up behind keyleth and rest my chinon her shoulder and just say whaaat the fuuuuck. marisha: and i just say i knoooow. um, vex. taliesin: one moment, sir. huddle.
marisha: huddle. is 50,000 dollars worth dealingwith this annoying piece of shit? laura: while we go drop off a hand? marisha: look, it just feels like when your guineapig dies as a kid and then you immediately get another guinea pig to replace it? this doesn'tfeel good. travis: you don't like him, right? laura: you think he's replacing scanlan? marisha: no! i just, i don't want another guineapig! laura: this piece of shit would never replacescanlan. marisha: he's a fabricator! he gets ghostwritersto write all of his books, i bet he does!
liam: he's a schmuck. travis: he probably does. keyleth, you don't likehim very much, right? marisha: i don't like new people right now,as of yesterday! travis: but like, 50,000 gold and we have ourselfa very flamboyant distraction if we need it. laura: think about it, for 50,000 gold, we're only15,000 gold away from getting one of those fuckingflaming swords! sam: while they're talking, i'm working on my rod.battleaxe! laura: look at how fucking cool that rod is! travis: he's in. he's fucking in.
marisha: no! travis: look at the battle axe! holy shit! marisha: you guys, he's like the worst alter-egoversion of percy! he's a rich kid who just buys all of hiscool toys. no offense, percy. taliesin: none taken. marisha: it's true though! he's not legit! liam: i don't like him either, but i'll just saytwo words: hotis bait. taliesin: yes, that's my thought. laura: maybe he is hotis.
marisha: oh yeah, what if he is hotis? travis: he's not. marisha: how do you know, grog? liam: he hasn't tried to seduce me. travis: i'm a dark wizard. laura: i've always known. taliesin: i'm not going to pretend i'm not mildlyentertained by the distraction at the very least. we just have to drop off a hand. marisha: and then he's gonna take credit fordropping off a hand,
like it's some crazy, miraculous thing! laura: let him take credit for the hand. taliesin: do you want credit for dropping off ahand? marisha: no! i don't care. it's the principle ofthe matter! travis: is there a fighting arena in marquet,or anywhere we could find a scrap if we wanted to? matt: i mean, i believe there is. let me find thename of it real fast. taliesin: we also could report in to a certaindragon about things that have happened. laura: we actually need to because we promisedjarett we would talk to j'mon.
liam: so many things to do. taliesin: let's just-- liam: while grog's thinking about that, i pull himaside and say did i ever show you i know how tosummon a dragon, d'you know how to do that? travis: no. liam: watch and learn from my hand symbols.what do you think of that, big guy? travis: and i grab his hands with the titanstoneknuckles-- liam: ow! ow! travis: -- and squeeze.
liam: jeepers creepers, you've killed my dragon! marisha: grog! grog! travis: don't -- travis: -- summon the dragon. uh, what? marisha: grog, no, no, let go, grog drop it,grog drop -- travis: -- baby dragon marisha: drop it, drop it, good boy! liam: see if i ever do anything nice for youagain! jeez! travis: well, i thought you were being taken over.d'you need me to make sure you're all right?
taliesin: very proud of you grog. liam: will you kiss it? i thought so. and i walkaway. marisha: grog. travis: he comes. c'mon. liam: we are fucking slap-happy. taliesin: c'mon then. travis: besides i wanna see him get in a fight,let's audition him at least. taliesin: vex, let's let the money tag along. taliesin: it'll be fine.
marisha: okay, but i'm-- laura: c'mon, pretty boy, let's go. marisha: -- gonna be pouty about this. sam: doty, take this down. as the group turnedaround, i knew i had them. sam: and our adventure was about to begin.end chapter. laura: i hate him so much! marisha: i hate him so much! travis: i love him. liam: i miss scanlan!
matt: as you guys decide against your betterjudgment to accept your companion for the time being-- liam: don't like that word! matt: -- you make your way into the debt's respitetavern to meet with treev bonebreaker and deliver the right hand. laura: wait, wait, i wanted that gold up front! sam: oh! i don't carry 50,000 gold with me on myperson! laura: well, you carry platinum, how much do youhave? sam: i-- not--
laura: doty, how much platinum does he have on himright now? sam: doty, go ahead and speak. matt: no response. sam: go ahead, doty, speak. laura: doty! sam: oh, that's right, doty can't speak.doty's a machine. laura: doty, show me the ledger. how much platinumdoes he have on his person right now? matt: there's no response. liam: (robot beeping sound effects)
sam: doty only listens to me. if you had some sortof a pet, you would understand. travis: (gasps) oh, i'm gonna love tary so much! marisha: vex! vex, kick his ass! travis: i'm gonna love him so much. marisha: kick his ass, vex! laura: gold up front or you don't join us. sam: how about this? i'll give you a littlepresent, just for you, little elf girl. and i flip her a silver coin that i have put a spell into.i've put-- laura: i don't catch the coin.
marisha: you're like all the bad things about theinternet as a character. laura: it's a piece of shit silver coin,i don't need your stupid silver coin. sam: it's a special coin, you should pick it up. taliesin: did he flip the coin at her? matt: he did. taliesin: i was thinking of intercepting it anywayso-- matt: okay. it would be easy to do with yourgloves of missile snaring. taliesin: yeah, i have gloves of missile snaring.i intercept it. sam: well, that was for the elf girl but allright, sure, you can use it too. when you need it,
if you just hold that coin up, you'll turninvisible. travis: seriously? an invisible-making coin? marisha: no! grog, no! do not show satisfaction inthe things he says. travis: this is just my gut reaction though. marisha. even if you're impressed, we pretend likewe're not. pretend like you're not impressed. taliesin: i'm not saying i can't be bought-- liam: you said that very loud. sam: hey, big man. sam: look at this. heavy crossbow!
travis: it's the most amazing thing! marisha: grog! travis: i mean, hold on! not impressed. sam: you can shoot it! travis: i wanna shoot it! travis: (bvvm!) matt: (tsoo!) travis: yeah, oh shit, take it back. matt: you have no idea where it went, it arced wayout of your line of sight.
sam: that was pretty good. travis: that's cool. sam: yes! travis: he stays. taliesin: let's get the hand to its finaldestination. laura: ugh! travis: or you can kill him and take the weaponlater. laura: i will. liam: he's slow. none of the rest of us like you,so fucking watch it, all right?
laura: we're such dicks! sam: and with that we embarked on our newadventure! the adventures of, what was it again? taliesin: (sighs) liam: what a dillweed! sam: this is going to be fun, fun, fun! matt: as you walk into the debt's respite tavern,we're gonna end tonight's session there and pick this up next week. (all cheer, groan, yell) liam: you break our hearts and then pull thatasshole out?
laura: you asshole! how dare you? how dare you? taliesin: unbelievable! matt: oh, it's beautiful. laura: i am so angry at you! marisha: you were on the critical role wikia lastnight weren't you? travis: tary berry. taliesin: yes, he was, he has it all-- sam: tary darrington. liam: you ain't know all our characters' mothers'names, you motherfucker.
sam: i know all of your parents' names. liam: after googling that shit! sam: because i love you! laura: whatever! sam: i love you so much! laura: sam you're the least-- you don't care aboutany of it! sam: i am the most sincere! laura: you're a dick! travis: that was amazing.
liam: it was amazing, it was amazing. taliesin: i love that-- i wish that everyone couldsee that the crew is in utter revolt behind us right now. marisha: yes! get him! get him! taliesin: and they've all got nerf guns! laura: get him! get him! he deserves it! liam and taliesin: you're tearing this familyapart! sam: no, i'm tary-ing this-- tarying this-- matt: tary-ing this family apart, oh my god!
matt: thank you loot crate for sponsoring us.you guys are awesome. much love to you guys, have a wonderful week. we'll see you soon.is it thursday yet? taliesin: big hand for sam riegel, holy shit! [art]
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