Januari 18, 2017
joel: what are y'all playing? bruce: stranded deep adam: stranded deep bruce: it's a new indian place in west la. adam: is this capping? bruce: find a serving trolley and make yourself a martini. james: wait-- look at the windows first! it sounds like he had too many martinis adam: i have parkinson's
james: no, hold on. explore the plane! bruce: gotta have a martini first. james: he's gonna drink the martini, and it'll go: "just kidding, you're the pilot." tab to open, select your lighter james: all right. make an open flame on the plane bruce: good... oh shit! adam: i lit a part of the plane on fire, is that ok? james: i was gonna say...these are all the things you are not supposed to do on a plane.
bruce: you're supposed to drink it james: stranded deep features over 150 different kinds of martinis: the flaming martini, the airplane martini, the lime... martini, martinirita, cosmotini... bruce: no, this is a survival game, james. this is not a joke. james: uh...
bruce: see? look, watch out! james: the airplane crashatini! bruce: oh! fish! james: you can eat those fish! bruce: big fish. james: you're gonna need that... adam: be killed, fish! james: oh no! he's a vampire or something, whatever. oh, there's a pirate ship out there!
bruce: there's a lot of islands... adam: which one do i pick? james: oh, that one has a house. adam: there we go! bruce: we're not surviving at all, there's a house right there! it's a vacation resort. this is sandals! james: oh, that's a sunken boat, it's not a house. bruce: it's a shipwreck, i told you.
james: i thought it was a house adam: one man's sunken boat is another man's... james: ...house. adam: ...boat. toolbox. james: grab that toolbox adam: ye-- no, come back james: what's in there? bruce: a machete
adam: yess, now i can kill all the sharks... wait, what is...? james: why is he holding on to this thing? bruce: is that how you always swim...? adam: there we go!james: hyaah! grab it! ooh.. can you imagine him... up there reaching through?
bruce: well, you know the best thing about being stranded on a deserted island... it doesn't matter what you look like, as nobody else is around, so you can make yourself look like a fool for no reason james: you know what the second best thing is about being stranded on an island? bruce: what's that? james: hot. chicks. bruce: no. no, no, you're stranded. james: huh? bruce: there is nobody there.
so you got to-- james: babes by the dozens! bruce: no... you can masturbate a lot james: yeah, but who needs to masturbate when you're covered in hot punani? welcome to this stranded island, motherfucker. bruce: you are not understanding-- james: where you'll be getting your dick sucked... bruce: no, no. deserted island. there's no one there.
james: ...by hot babes. porno! a porno magazine! bruce: no. no. james: ah, damn it. bruce: it's a... pirate's monthly. james: not that you need a porno magazine, on a stranded island covered in babes! bruce: no, you don't understand. there's nobody there on a deserted island. bruce: it's called dessert-ed
a bucket? yess! adam: i'm going to shit in that later. bruce: wait, can you get it? it's full. adam: it's already full... bruce: what are we getting rid of? the paddle? james: the tape. maybe, the bottle? the bottle of water!
you don't need water! you're surrounded by it! bruce: you are not understanding what it's like to be on a desert island. james: it's like the end of beetlejuice. bruce: you didn't bring the bucket? you need it. james: you're sitting in the toilet adam: the island is my toilet. bruce: oh yeah, the island-- no, the world is your toilet! are you gonna chop that down there? james: no, no. he can't do it.
bruce: look, look at the-- you're doing it! adam: i should... probably use the axe. james: look at his shadow. he's not even coming close. there you go! oh, coconuts! bruce: you' re rich! there's wood everywhere, you've coconuts and no taxes james: you're living the island dream! bruce: hold on--
james: there you go. he's doing it, there he goes. bruce: are you making a cabin or a raft? adam: why not both? james: yeah, a floating house. bruce: watch out. james: and then it hits him on the head. bruce: he's out for four days james: he wakes up , and his pants are gone bruce: it's green, you can't eat it
adam: now it's brown. bruce: there you go. now turn it over. good, good. james: if anyone's watching... this is how you survive on an island. bruce: you gotta drink it. you have to-- james: there we go! james: eat that meat. bruce: you know, how you eat it? you put your teeth into the coconut, and you drag your teeth along it.
james: yeah, yeah. yeah, you carve it out. uh, boy. who would've thought being stuck on a dessert island would be so boring? bruce: everybody. james: oh, right. everyone, yeah. stab it! adam: there we go. sticks! uh-oh, there they went... james: now put the sticks together...
bruce: craftable! spoole: you can make a spear adam: did you see how it erect itself? james: i was gonna say..., yeah, you can build a fake penis. adam: so, do i have to keep chopping those sticks? james: chop 'em up! bruce: wait, what's that? spoole: ...there should be "crafting" on top campfire!
adam: yess! james: nice all right, set them on fire. adam: i'll save that for later, i mean, it's still... james: nah, you better do it now. bruce: you're cold! james: there's sweat beading down his forehead: "i am cold!" ok, now coconuts in the fire. bruce: yeah, ever heard--
james: roasted coconuts! bruce: charred coconuts? real good! they call 'em: char nuts. yep, char nuts. mhm james: get ya fresh roasted coconuts, ey! bruce: he builds a stand, it says "free char nuts" james: fresh roasted coconuts! char nuts! get your char nuts! get thee charred fresh! bruce: what are you doing?
james: there you go. there you go. cook it up! bruce: it didn't stay there. no. you got to build an oven. james: now you got this. nice. rope. bruce: look at that!
adam: lashings! bruce: it produced-- what?! adam: what can i build with lashings, spoole? bruce: a spear. you can put it on a stick. adam: oh, nice! james: i like-- i like how--
oh, a crab! bruce: eat him! i think you got him. you got him. you're good. adam: excellent combat! james: pick it up. pick up the crab and roast it. eat crab tonight. bruce: ooh, that's a great idea! james: wrap it up in a rope, and then throw it over...
and then you can have it hanged down over a branch and then you can roast it. bruce: haven't you ever been to a luau, that they dig a hole, and they put all the stuff on top of it... james: oh, yeah, they do. bruce: and we're going to make a luau with the crab.. james: and then, shit in the hole, too. bruce: yep, absolutely. shit on top of it. adam: gettin' there... james: mm, roasted crab
bruce: how does that poop taste? james: you wanna side... of... uh, char nuts? bruce: char nuts? yeah, crab and char nuts! crab char nuts here! adam: god damn it. bruce: nice. good job. i told you, you need to build an oven. y'all want to stop 'n' shop fo' crab char nuts get 'em hot.
which they will be 'cuz we got plenty of room for fire. bruce: somebody shows up to the deserted land three weeks later, there's a skeleton sitting at the crab and char nuts stand. james: he's got-- it says, like, 25₵ per char nut, but it's clearly written in blood. oh, mother crab! just protecting its babies bruce: dead got em'
james: that was a family of crabs bruce: it doesn't matter you're going to eat them later they're dead, man. adam: no, hold on.james: just leave the baby james: you tell... you tell them what you saw! bruce: all right, this is really boring. let's get back into the raft and go --james: to a new island?adam: it's a good idea. bruce: yeah.
james: we've made a lot -- can we bring the campfire? adam: yeah, i'll put it on the raft. bruce: you'll pick it up and... adam: actually...james: on the other island, he's like: " i see they got char nuts over there..." a rival char nuts! bruce: he's selling char nuts! james: for 24 ₵? bruce: he undercut me! right in there... perfect
james: you should always explore in the middle of the night. bruce: put all of your stuff. bruce: throw your machete in, blade first. james: and you're like: now to put my spear away... bruce: nice. james: let's go!bruce: hop in! bruce: look at that. you made a whole...it's a whole ecosystem. james: you're stuck on there here comes the moon
there we go. just a few more it might be weighted down a bit.bruce: push yourself off james: hold on. get off. get out of it, adam, and see if you can push it james: yeah bruce: i don't think you can james: crouch and push bruce: uh-oh, i think it's sinking. no, it's fine
bruce: are you sure? james: yeah, yeah. it's fine. bruce: there's water over it. james: no, no... that's a-- that's the moon playing tricks on your eyes bruce: all right, hop in it. go! jump in, and see what happens. james: hey, freedom! bruce: look!
i think you're going just fine james: i don't think you're moving. adam: i am a submarine! bruce: turn around. james: i think this game actually knows that-- bruce: you've weighted down? james: ... filled your raft with shit bruce: really? james: dump the char nuts!
bruce: what are those brown clouds? what do you think those are? adam: ooh, that's beautiful bruce: ah, it's gorgeous adam: look at how fast that moon is moving. bruce: holy shit, it is moving fast.adam: yeah. james: i wish i had another martini. i'm robinson crusoe and i live on this island alone not a single bit of human contact but i'll kill myself right now
and then he slips or bashes his head in with a coconut. oh, flares! bruce: set them... oh, perfect! adam: i'm your king now!james: celebrate good times, come on! happy new year!joel: copyright! james: he's already insane. adam: i need rocks to cut spoole: you need two rock shards...james: you should've brought the rocks,
i told you to bring the rocksbruce: i knew it, bruce: i knew it. james: this island has no rocks! how come we find no rocks on this island bruce: all right, hop on that fucking raft paddle up to another island. james: oh, an island that actually has rocks? bruce: dive down! james: yeah, you better go for a swim bruce: go snorkel.
spoole: there's gotta be rocks in the water. bruce: beautiful... stab him! come on, get him! james: desperate times call for desperate measures adam: i'm too fast for him. james: wow, you've become so attuned... the human body is amazing. how it adapts to whatever condition you put it in. bruce: did you kill it, yet? kill that sardine!
james: there. now! killing blow! bruce: man, you're really bad at killing stuff. let me tell you... james: why don't you just-- oh, there it is! bruce: no, stick to making char nuts. oh, it's raining! james: that's gonna be good... you need to get the bucket! to gather water! bruce: no, he doesn't have a bucket, remember? he didn't take it.
adam: bucket's way back there... james: fill the raft! bruce: open your mouth! james: oh! tie up the bottom of your pants around your ankles hold your waistband out, so your pants fill with water, and then you could drink out ... bruce: that's a great idea! james: crotch water! bruce: now, here's what you do: you cut a hole in your arm
you clean it out real good james: yeah, yeah. bruce: and then you sit there, hole up on the wound, and when it fills up with water... james: like a body pocket bruce: yep, exactly. the body pocket.james: that's nice. and then, even if you don't drink it all, your body is just gonna , through osmosis , absorb some of the water, bruce: absolutely. james: which would be good, too. bruce: and eventually what you do is: you bend down, get on all fours, stick your butt in the air,
you learn open your butthole.james: yeah. bruce: ever done that before?james: take it directly into the colon. bruce: you suck in, and then it sucks in the water, and you never have to drink again. all right, here's what we do. we paddle out a little bit,adam: yeah bruce: dive down, and see what we can find. james: that's a good idea. adam: just trying to find sharks? bruce: i told you there might be some panthers, and they might be in the water james: also if you're thirsty you can justdrink while you're under water. bruce: water, water everywhere.
why not have a drink? spoole: salt water's bad for you. james: why?bruce: i don't think so. james: people like water, people like salt. bruce: you both eat them-- you need them both in your body. fuck it! drink it! spoole: there's a couple of different kinds of sharks james: nice.bruce: this is really scary... james: go on. just keep going down, adam. adam: i don't like this...
bruce: aaah, watch out! i saw something move! james: something touched you! bruce: no, it's all right it's just light. it's just light--adam: i don't wanna do this! bruce: it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. james: all right, catch your breath...bruce: dive down! adam: no!james: catch your breath bruce: catch your breath and go back down! we're going to kill a shark! james: all right, adam--adam: i'm afraid of sharks...
james: all right, adam, you're clearly bothered by this, so what you're gonna do is: take your lighter, light up a little light, and then dive in, and then that way you can see. bruce: you can drop it into the water and it lights it up as it falls... james: or, take your bottle, full of water, and empty it out. bruce: yep, don't drink it. james: lighter. put the lighter on, put the lighter inside the bottle, seal the top...bruce: drop it down. james: ...then it a lantern.
bruce: get your ax out.james: there you go! bruce: you can kill a shark with an ax. let's go! james: who's the predator? bruce: dive in. you are.james: you're the predator! bruce: you're the top of the food chain, adam. get in there! adam: no...james: adam, adam. say: i'm a predator adam: i'm the predator james: all right. now swim into the deep, dark scariness. bruce: no, no, you're fine.
james: ooh, what was that? adam: i don't know...!bruce: it's just plants! it's just plants. james: that was an octopus orgy. the good thing about swimming down as deep is that he won't know... bruce: when you're blacking out? james: when he's blacking out! adam: oh, i don't like this... bruce: you're blacking out. adam: i don't like this.
bruce: there's nobody here, don't worry 'bout it.there's no panthers, no sharks, we're fine. i told you, there's no sharks. james: there's a shark pulling adam under. come on, adam. oh, shit, i think there's something right below you bruce: no, there's-- james: look down, adam, look down.adam: come on! bruce: there's nothing below you.james: adam, look down! adam: get the fuck up on the--
james: adam, watch out, it's right there! it's right there! bruce: o-oh my god!james: adam! bruce: are you under the raft? you're beneath the raft! you're gonna die! adam: god damn it!james: he's panicking! adam: this is a fear of mine...! james: he's panicking. adam: get up on the boat! james: and we just see how dry his lips are... bruce: oh, it's all cracked and...
adam: oh, fuck! bruce: there he is! go kill it!james: oooh! bruce: get your ax out! james: oh no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no...!bruce: murder it! james: adam, adam, adam...! bruce: adam! get it! james: it's below you! bruce: jump down and murder the shark!james: it's below you! you should've stayed with the weather buoy!
bruce: go get him, go kill him! look, he's not attacking!adam: holy fucking shit! bruce: he's a gentle shark, go get him. adam: god damn it! bruce: go kill him, adam! what are you doing? james: maybe he knows where the-- bruce: no, don't use your paddle! adam: ah! fuck!
bruce: kill him! what are you doing? adam: safety! bruce: use your-- how that's safety? james: you're safe here bruce: you've got to kill him james: oh, boy. bruce: get your ax out, man. adam: no! get your ax out.
james: look, he's still trying to swim. bruce: get your ax out or else you won't be able to kill it james: adam, you've got to get your ax out... or at least a duct tape. bruce: adam! get your ax out... james: oh, the sun's coming out. that's nice. bruce: turn around and kill the shark james: oh boy...
adam: come back here, you fuck! bruce: all right... james: all right, get to the raft! oh shit, oh shit, he's... bruce: and... stab him!adam: stab! james: finish him! bruce: punch him in the nose! seriously, try your ax. look, he's running away like a little bitch!james: he's scared
adam: come here! fucker! bruce: adam, you're so fucking strong james: nice! see? you confronted your fears! bruce: he's taking you down so he can kill you so you gotta swim back up and get some air, buddy. james: oh boy, this is when he gets ya. when your back is to him bruce: get your axjames: you got to find that raft.
james: you got to find that raft. adam: holy shit i'm deep!bruce: get your ax out. james: you gotta find that raft bruce: get your ax out james: go, go, go go to the raft oh boy! bruce: it's swordfish! it's a swordfish! turn around!
james: get to the raft adam: no! i'm getting in the raft! bruce: it's a swordfish james: get in the raft bruce: turn around! adam: i'm getting to safety! oh, fuck! bruce: get your ax out, and hit him with the ax adam: why do you think an ax would be better than a knife?
bruce: are you fucking joking? james: oh, nice! bruce: yeah, get him! chop him james: uh-oh bruce: it's a swordfish, don't worry about it. spoole: the swordfish will attack you too bruce: i know, i know, but the great white is a much larger threat
james: imagine the prize for this when you bring this back to your island and show all your imaginary friends. bruce: nice job! good! james: he's gone completely insane by this point. there's nothing in the water and he's not even in the ocean bruce: this great white is not doing anything to you.
look, you fucking chased him away! you are the king of the ocean! you, only! oh, shit! james: they're like raptors. bruce: oh, almost. adam: he turned away. bruce: yeah, look he doesn't want that ax... james: he's like: fuck off! asshole...
bruce: oh, two great whites? get 'em both! kill 'em both! adam: why aren't they attacking me? james: they know that you're not a threat! adam: they're like: dumb white guy, who's drunk... james: i'm telling you, you're hallucinating. right now, you're just sitting on a beach, staring off and all this is happening in your head
bruce: well, fuck it. get back in the raft and yell at them or something. i don't know... adam: ah, fuck you! james: next time, assholes. bruce: i got an idea. stab the raft sink it and then ride the fucking shark 'cuz you're the king of the ocean
james: he did it! he did it! bruce: oh, yeah, see? look, you scared him you are the king you fucking-- you are the king of the ocean james: you're the man! before, you were just some guy on aprivate jet but literally 48 hours later, you're riding sharks, in the ocean.
bruce: you're poseidon bruce: don't worry about it he's fine he's your buddy. he's your friend, now. adam: you pussy bruce: what happens is: you gain their respect. after hitting them with an ax about 11 times you gain their respect james: now you're the leader of the pack bruce: yeah. they're your pets
it's like the raptors in jurassic world adam: yeah. i bet they're following me see? wait... james: they're gone. adam: they're just friends now bruce: who cares? james: this was therapeutic, because adam didn't-- he didn't think that he can ever get over his fear of sharks
but now he's... he was jumping at sharks and being really excited... bruce: i know. i told you. james: nice work, adam bruce: he's the king of the sharks adam: i'm kinda disappointed with the sharks james: what's this game? stranded deep? bruce: stranded deep, yeah. james: stranded deep: best game of the year bruce: yep.
james: and it has sharks in it
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